We all know that one in three marriages fail, but new stats have revealed that over half the people who get divorced regret it. Nel Staveley reveals how to keep the love alive
The wedding season is coming to an end, and so too, at some point, will nearly half of those now seemingly perfect, happy marriages.
Yes, we all know the divorce statistics are undeniably depressing.
But thankfully, a new survey, commissioned for the DVD release of The Love Punch, hints at slightly better news: 54% of divorcees said they regretted ending their marriage.
OK, it’s not entirely good news – that does mean a lot of people living with the poisonous burden of regret. But, it also means that for all the inevitable trials, tribulations and unpicked-up-wet-towels of marriage, it’s generally worth battling through, and (as number six on the reasons for regretting divorce list shows) the ‘grass is not always greener’ on the post-divorce side.
But just how do you make relationships stand the test of time?
COMPROMISE
Everyone likes to be right, but there’s a time and a place to admit that, sometimes, you’re wrong. And a marriage is it. Research from Baylor University, Texas, earlier this year found that one of the keys to a successful relationship is relinquishing some of the ‘power’ in the relationship to the other person, namely being willing to compromise.
BE TOGETHER
‘Those who play together stay together’. Those sayings which become cliches, generally become cliches for a reason. A study of 1,000 married Americans listed having three shared hobbies and interests as one of the top requirements for romantic bliss.
BE APART
The Love Punch survey showed that not everyone who approached divorce actually went through with it, and 94% of those believed the time apart during their break-up helped to save their relationship. Just because you’re married to each other doesn’t mean you have to become each other. While spending time together is clearly very important, it’s just as important to ensure you spend time on your own, with your own friends, pursuing your own interests.
DON’T FORGET THE SMALL STUFF
Whatever the films might try to tell us, most of us aren’t that fussed by grand, sweeping gestures of love. We like little ones instead. In fact, according to an Open University study, the everyday acts of kindness – think making a cup of tea or sacrificing the crispiest roast potato – are more important to a lasting marriage than the acts of romantic largesse, such as overpriced dinners or expensive handbags (though they can be nice sometimes, too!).
NEVER GO TO SLEEP ON A ROW
A recent survey by Two Together Railcard, proved that saying ‘I love you’ before bed was the second most important secret to happiness in a relationship. Not convinced by a train survey giving tips on love? Perhaps you’ll be more convinced by Wilfred and Ivy Turberville, the longest-married couple in Britain, who recently revealed “never going to bed on a quarrel” was why they’d remained together for 80 years.
MAKE IT WORK
Sara Davison, divorce coach at www.saradavison.com, has this advice for making things work, and when to give up:
“Divorce is often stated to be the second most traumatic experience in life after the loss of a loved one. So even when your marriage seems unbearable, divorce has to be your last option.”
“I always suggest my clients take three months to do everything they can to save their marriage. It means that if they then do make the decision to separate, there are no regrets, as they know they did all they could to save it.”
“Obviously, there will be pain and heartache as with any relationship break-up, however, it’s important to be clear on what went wrong and why, so you don’t repeat mistakes in future relationships. A common trap is to see the relationship through rose-tinted glasses when it’s ended, which can lead to regrets.”
“Be clear on what isn’t working and communicate with your partner.”
TOP REASONS FOR REGRETTING DIVORCE
1. Missing an ex-partner
2. Feeling like a failure
3. Still being in love with an ex-partner
4. Realising they were being unreasonable
5. Feeling lonely
6. Discovering the grass isn’t always greener
7. An ex-partner finding someone new
8. Realising they are not better off on their own
9. Damaging the relationship with their children
10. Children’s lives being affected