A little space can make a big difference.
I was delighted to discover this week that Scotland is to introduce free ports. As one who enjoys a wee glass of the delicious ruby-coloured “vinho do Porto” after a special meal, the thought that it might be offered free could go a long way to easing the pain of a gale-lashed and politically-stormy winter where Chicken Kiev has gained a more sinister military meaning than just a garlic-infused comestible.
I was suspicious, however, that free port might be a cunning plan, akin to the once common practice of giving soldiers and sailors an alcoholic stiffener before they went into battle, by giving we Scots some Dutch courage prior to something nasty happening to us.
Caribbean can’t boast the Krankies
I was wrong, of course, in part because Scots don’t need any Dutch courage as we have real courage aplenty of our own.
How else could you explain the unfathomable bravery of our nation admitting to creating deep-fried Mars bars, the Krankies, Tennents lager, golf, Cumbernauld, Dolly the Sheep and Tony Blair.
The main reason I was mistaken, though, was because I had erroneously inserted a small space between the words. We aren’t getting free port, sadly, but two freeports which are, as far as I can see, large, legalised transport tax fiddles to cut the costs of imports and exports.
It might do a lot for business in Aberdeen and Peterhead if they are chosen, but not much for Kingussie or Kinbrace, methinks.
There’s no doubt that omitting or adding a small space can change things in a big way.
Take two recent news stories, for example. Remove a simple space from a superb owl and you get the superbowl. Add one to therapist and you’re left with the rapist. You get the idea. Some businesses apparently didn’t check their spaces sufficiently before launching their websites.
According to one survey done a few years ago, embarrassing space omissions included childrenswear.co.uk; whorepresents.com; therapistfinder.com and powergenitalia.com, which must have given those in the Italian division of Powergen kittens when they discovered it.
Someone who certainly shouldn’t be having kittens, or any animals, ever again is West Ham footballer Kurt Zouma. When I saw the recent video of him kicking and slapping his cat around his home, with a child in the room, and laughing about it, my feelings could not be expressed in a family newspaper.
He’s the animal, not the cat. In a similar vein, I was disgusted to see New Zealand’s formerly respected equestrian eventer, Sir Mark Todd, beating a horse with a tree branch.
The apologies were shallower than a puddle on Culbin Sands
What is it with these clowns? They both undoubtedly have big spaces. Unfortunately, those spaces are between their ears.
Inevitably, both sought instant forgiveness by issuing eloquent apologies, something that’s now commonplace in the hope that saying sorry, saying lessons will be learned and saying one’s actions were due to an error of judgement somehow absolves anyone from responsibility for their actions.
The apologies were shallower than a puddle on Culbin Sands. I made an error of judgement as a schoolboy when I kicked a football through our living-room window instead of conscientiously studying for exams, which I’d promised to do.
I made another error of judgement years later when I reversed a wide car into a narrow parking space, with unfortunate consequences for the paintwork.
Crass act
But deliberately beating animals can never be an error of judgement as it displays deep-seated character flaws that could tragically manifest themselves in other violent ways.
They should face charges or sacrifice large parts of their livelihoods, not just get away with paltry fines then continue scot-free as though nothing had happened.
Here’s to many successful feline romances at Kincraig
Their crass actions are in sharp contrast to those ongoing at the Highland Wildlife Park where staff are painstakingly matchmaking rare Scottish wildcats for the forthcoming breeding season in the hope of saving the species.
Good luck to them, and to the magnificent wildcats who are much more valuable to the world than the likes of Zouma or Todd.
Here’s to many successful feline romances at Kincraig before they’re released into the wild Highlands where they’ll have ample space to raise their kittens, well away from evil predatory animals masquerading as sports stars.