“It will soon be time for another one.”
This passing remark was directed at me by a well-meaning neighbour who I didn’t know particularly well, as I grappled with the buggy on a rainy day.
In that moment, I felt such intense anger that my grip tightened on the pushchair handle.
It was not time; it will never be time.
For reasons that are so deeply personal, that I shouldn’t have to justify.
For those who cannot conceive, are facing recurrent miscarriage, invasive fertility treatment, a whole plethora of reasons – seemingly innocent enquiries are heartbreaking.
And what if you don’t want children at all? How then do you bat off the curiosity of others?
Actress Jennifer Aniston recently opened up about her fertility struggles, in the face of a media determined to paint her as the wronged woman and childless celeb.
“All the years and years of speculation… It was really hard. I was going through IVF, drinking Chinese teas, you name it,” she told Allure magazine.
Is it time we stopped asking people, women in particular, about their motherhood status?
I spoke with two women who have very different stories, to find out more.
Megan Hine: I am comfortable in my choice
Megan Hine has a highly successful career in the oil and gas industry, and has previously spoken about navigating the male-dominated industry.
An account manager at Draeger, she has never made any secret of the fact that she does not want children.
Megan, who lives in Dyce, believes people have become more accepting of her decision as the years have passed.
“When I am asked if I want children, it doesn’t seem intrusive to me anymore,” she said.
“It did when I was younger, perhaps because I felt I HAD to justify myself at length.
“At 25, there was still a lot of ‘you’ll change your mind’ or ‘plenty of time yet’.
“However, as I’ve got older, that seemingly natural follow-up has evaporated and I’m very thankful for that.
“At 35, I think it’s more clear I’ve made my choice, and no one has had the temerity to suggest that my window of opportunity is closing.”
Megan also believes that the experiences of men versus women may not be all that different in some ways, but poles apart in others.
“If I go back to the idea of ‘care giving’ rather than say biological motherhood, care giving is never expected of a man as his default,” she said.
“However, I think if a man was very strident about not wanting children, there are people who would perceive this as a sort of red flag, a hardness, and would be noted accordingly.
“But there’s also another side to this, the well-known trope of a man who doesn’t want children just hasn’t met the right woman yet… George Clooney case in point.
“Men don’t get the same vitriol levelled at them for choosing to be a ‘bachelor’ but there’s an undercurrent of they just haven’t met the mother of their kids, and that she needs to be sufficiently special in order to change his mind.”
Sarah Crichton: The questions started as soon as we got married
Nursery practitioner Sarah Crichton is due to embark on IVF, having tried unsuccessfully for a baby with her husband.
The 33-year-old believes that questions about children started after her wedding.
“From the moment we got married in 2017, there was this general attitude that having children must be the clear next step for us,” said Sarah, who lives in Bridge of Don.
“It was mostly extended family and friends, there was a focus on when we were having kids.
“That was us married, so what was our plan, etc.”
“But after a year of trying to conceive, the idea was put on the backburner.”
Both Sarah and her husband felt the stress of trying for a baby, and were referred for fertility treatment by their GP.
Sarah wishes she had been a little more “reserved” in expressing her desire to start a family when speaking with close friends, but the queries have lessened as the months have passed.
“I think people have realised there must be something going on,” she said.
“I have been quite open, but infertility seems to be a taboo that people don’t want to talk about.
“I think the assumption that kids are the next step after marriage is a loaded question.
“I have plenty of friends who are unmarried, who have raised wonderful families.
“Not everybody wants to be a mum, and it’s good to have that respect for people’s decisions.”
The truth about not having children
Numerous female celebrities have been open about not having children.
Helen Mirren, Renée Zellweger, Oprah Winfrey and Winona Ryder have all taken the decision to be child-free.
It is becoming an increasingly common choice, especially in the face of rising childcare costs.
The UK has one of the most expensive childcare systems in the world, with fees costing almost two thirds of families as much as their monthly mortgage and rent payments.
An increasing number of women are also choosing to have children later in life, but by age 30 fertility starts to decline.
There is a strict criteria in order to be eligible for funded fertility treatments, and success rates vary from clinic to clinic.
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