Here’s news that’ll make you spit out your Ricicles: I nearly bought a new boilersuit. Don’t know what came over me. Clearly some kind of fit.
My boilersuit is 18 years old. It’s blue but spattered from top to bottom in various hues of paint. I don’t suppose I’ll ever replace it now, but I thought about it and felt treacherous for so doing.
The reason was related to the curse of all my DIY and horticultural endeavours: losing my tools.
Persecuted by pixies
If I’m not dropping them, then they’re just mysteriously disappearing, the only rational explanation being that I’m being persecuted by pixies.
It was while working on my wonky, home-made garden arch that I started to consider new overalls.
Every time I’d to hold something up then bend down for my hammer, if it hadn’t mysteriously disappeared, it was tantalising just out of reach.
So, I’d to let go what I was holding and let it crash to the ground.
I went online to search for “hammer-holding overalls”, but all I found were bibs and braces affairs. I’d had one of these before but couldn’t master the straps, and must have thrown it out.
Never mind, after months of mind-mangling research, I found a set with a huge pocket and a handy strap for holding hammers. Only to discover that, bizarrely but not unusually, the supplier didn’t deliver to where I live, despite our being covered by Royal Mail and all couriers.
Dungarees? No thanks
I rejected the next best alternative because, after offering “men’s dungarees in classic design, for mechanic, builders, painting, cargo, gardening, decorators, painters”, it added: “Good for Super Mario outfit, Bob the Builder, Minion, Teletubbies costume, Waluigi costume.”
A man in my position cannot be seen undertaking practical tasks in Teletubbies costumery. And what is Waluigi? Is it a Japanese martial art?
But here’s the embarrassing rub: I discovered that my trusty old boilersuit had a loop for holding hammers after all. I just used it for hanging the garment up.
It’s badly placed for tools, being a bit round the back of the waist. I’m sure I’ve tried it before and found it wanting, but I’ll give it another shot.
Another problem with my old boilersuit is the unsealed pockets allowing access to your trooser pockets underneath, and into which inevitably I put my tools so that they slide slowly down my leg, coming to rest at the top of my welly boot, which I have to take off to retrieve them.
Exasperation. That’s what it is
Exasperation is the word I’d use to describe the dominant feeling when I undertake any practical task.
Indeed, it starts with my overalls. Invariably, I put my boots on first (usually hoping I won’t need my overalls) and then, too lazy to remove the footwear to put on the overalls, I try bludgeoning my feet through the leg-holes, which rarely works, often causing me to lose my balance and topple to the ground. Never a good start.
But these are quibbles. I must say I’d also wondered if my boilersuit was unlucky, as most of my practical endeavours have ended in disaster.
But I’m getting into the realms of fantasy now. As for the idea of a grown man wearing a bib and braces: never heard such nonsense.
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