Single parent. The full-time job without pay. A relentless, unforgiving role that impacts career, social life, finances, mental health – pretty much every aspect of life, year after year.
But we don’t often hear about these unsung heroes in the media.
The P&J spoke to several single parents living in the north-east. What we heard were some truly inspirational stories.
From ‘lap of luxury’ to needing food banks to feed son
Courtney Johnston lives in Aberdeen with her five-year-old son.
When she fell pregnant at 26, she was working in the X-ray department at Albyn Hospital after leaving university with a degree in immunology.
Upon the breakdown of her relationship with her partner, she had to give up the family home in Bucksburn and take a step back in her career, no longer able to work unsociable hours at short notice.
She worked in a series of waitressing jobs and ended up using food banks to feed her son, before rebuilding her life. Today she works in international business development for a global law firm.
Business owner, university student, and single parent of two
Amy Tarras is a single parent to a three-year-old girl and 20-month-old boy in Laurencekirk.
She runs her own hair and beauty salon, and also studies psychology and counselling at the Open University, which she works on at night when the kids are in bed.
A tough gig, but one she said she willingly puts herself through in order to give her kids a better life.
The single Dad forced to give up work to look after his kids
John Cameron looks after 13-year-old twin boys in Aberdeen.
One has epilepsy and learning difficulties and requires ‘24/7 care’, and the other has ADHD and autism.
John was forced to give up work given the care both boys need. He previously worked with machinery but found it wasn’t compatible with sleepless nights.
Many families with two parents struggle to juggle the everyday demands of life.
So what many of us wonder is, just how do single parents do it? How difficult is it? And what toll does it take on them mentally and physically?
‘I lost a lot of the life I had’
Courtney never envisaged being a single parent, until she found her life turned upside down when it became reality.
“It meant a lot of re-jigging and just working in any job I could, things like waitressing, just to have that flexibility around a little baby,” she said.
“I also had to put him into nursery earlier than I would have liked to. I lost a lot of the life I had.
“A lot of my friends have said they can’t understand how I get through the day. When their husband or partner goes away on a business trip, they’re really struggling – that’s my reality every single day.
“When you’re two parents, you can tag team and take a breather when you need to. And I think that is probably the hardest thing to come to terms with, that there is no respite.
“It’s left to you to build up a network, but you’re already exhausted so not in the right frame of mind to be making friends.”
‘The hardest job anyone will ever do’
She added: “It can feel relentless. It is all on your shoulders. You’ve got to run a household, a child to feed, a career, homework, whatever. It’s like spinning plates.
“And then you’ve got the financial pressure of it all being on you. A lot of opportunities suddenly get cut off, for example I can’t buy my own home without a partner.”
Amy described single parenthood as ‘the hardest job anyone will ever do’.
“I read something the other day that said being a single mother of two equates to an 80-hour-a-week job,” said Amy.
‘I do get upset, I do have a cry’
“Kids are demanding 24/7. We’re up, we’re out, we’re at nursery, the childminder, we get home then it’s the tea, then it’s the bath.
“You just don’t get the time for yourself to emotionally reset, and I think a lot of people take that for granted.
“You genuinely don’t get a minute for the 12 hours they’re awake. It would be like someone asking you to work for 12 hours without a break.
“It builds up and builds up and builds up, and sometimes when I don’t know when I’m going to get a break I do get upset, I do have a cry.”
‘You sit down and think, ‘I’m done in”
John’s situation is a stark reminder of just how relentless some people’s lives can be, with the additional needs his sons have, and no-one else around to help.
He said: “Folk ask me whether I miss work. And I say ‘oh, I miss work alright, it was a lot easier.’
“I worked with machinery and it just wasn’t feasible, I never know if I’m going to get any sleep or not.
“You’re constantly on alert, you never switch off. When I do get to sleep, the slightest noise and I’m up checking on them.
“Your emotions just switch off, you go into robot mode. It’s not until you sit down and think about things and you think, ‘I’m done in.’”
Single parent finances: ‘It was the opposite of rags to riches’
Of course, finances can be a constant struggle for single parents. Given the cost of living crisis continues to stretch the resources even of two-parent households, the financial pressures on single parents can be brutal.
Courtney came from an ‘affluent’ background in Cults, where she was ‘raised in the lap of luxury’ and expectations were high.
So her new circumstances, which included being on Universal Credit and visiting job centres, came as something of a culture shock.
“It was the opposite of rags to riches for me,” said Courtney.
“The lowest point was going to a food bank when I literally had no money.”
‘I know that all my money has to go on my kids’
Amy and John said single parenthood means prioritising even more strictly than two-parent families have to.
“I know that all my money has to go on my kids,” said Amy.
“There are times when I’d love to go out and spend £100 on a new pair of trainers.
“But that’s not a priority, my kids are my priority. They need food, clean pyjamas, the heating on.
“I don’t want my kids to grow up and feel like they never had the best of everything just because I’m a single mum.”
And John said: “People ask how I manage with money and, well, I don’t smoke and I don’t drink. It is hard, but you’ve just got to deal with it and have the right priorities.”
Survival mode
Parents often beat themselves up, but it’s even worse for single parents who have nobody to bounce ideas off, nobody to get confirmation or praise from.
Courtney said she’d learned to be kinder to herself, even if it means lowering expectations.
“It doesn’t matter if your house is a little bit messier than it used to be,” she said.
“It doesn’t matter if the dishes sit a little bit longer before they go in the dishwasher.
“And it doesn’t matter if your child only eats Rice Krispies, as long as they’re fed.
“As long as your child’s healthy, getting fed and getting sleep. As long as you can look after that core set of tasks, everything else just isn’t really that important.
“Sometimes you’re just on survival mode, where you just have to shut everything else off and just get through the day.”
Dating difficulties as a single parent
The single parents we spoke to think there’s still a stigma attached to single parenthood, despite it being more common now than ever before.
Amy said it had led to difficulties on the dating scene.
“As soon as you say to somebody you’re a single parent with two kids, I feel like they immediately think I must have done something wrong,” she said.
Help is at hand
But far from having done anything wrong, the term ‘unsung heroes’ comes to mind when hearing these stories.
Life doesn’t always give you what you want, the important thing is how you deal with the cards handed to you.
For any single parents out there struggling, help is available. A good starting point is One Parent Families Scotland, who also have a helpline on 0808 801 0323.
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