Oh shoot. Pier jumping is now discouraged in Orkney. And I was really looking forward to jumping three metres into freezing water when I finally get round to visiting Skara Brae and The Italian Chapel.
Oh well. If they could also discourage camping, eating seafood, walking up hills and all the other things I don’t like to do, that would really help me out.
An Orkney Islands Council spokesman said that while recognising pier jumping “has become embedded in Orcadian life”, it is “not something we would recommend”.
He added: “We don’t want to spoil your fun, we just want to keep you safe.”
Now where have I heard that? Oh yes, it was my parents in 1983 when they made my friends promise to drag me off a motorbike if they saw me getting on one.
Where I grew up motorbiking was the pier jumping equivalent for teenagers, a way to show off and flex their bravery.
These days the closest I get to taking a risk is putting five items in my basket in the Co-op when I’ve only got £30 in cash on me.
Owning your mistakes
In my teens I was taken everywhere I needed to go in my mam’s car. I learned to drive in it and dented a lamp-post in it during a three-point turn.
Years later, when I had wheels of my own, I accelerated too hard out of a dip near the border at Haydon Bridge.
It earned me a £100 fine and an order to attend a speed awareness workshop with fellow outlaws, which I dutifully did.
It never crossed my mind to go into work and ask the office manager if I could get out of it.
I understood she was not there to deal with my personal problems and should be left to get on with her job.
Rishi Sunak decided Suella Braverman had not broken ministerial rules by asking civil servants for advice on arranging a private speed awareness course.
Valuable lesson
It’s not that long ago she had a £30m military helicopter fly her 19 miles from Dover to an asylum centre in Kent.
She may not have broken the code but these actions point to character.
Braverman, Johnson, Cummings, Raab, Braverman again, have all displayed character that shows they think there are different rules for them.
Downfalls are so often to do with perception rather than details. As Boris Johnson put it: “When the herd moves, it moves.”
The Tory herd is yet to commit to a move against Braverman, despite the faint sound of hooves from every other quarter every time she leaves the house.
She took the penalty points and paid the fine but I think she missed out because I found the workshop enlightening and valuable and I’ve implemented its lessons ever since.
Nowhere to be found
Everyone on my course had been caught out by the same camera and someone said it had since been set on fire.
We eyed each other suspiciously and it was like being in a whodunnit– we all had motive.
The course was an opportunity for the home secretary to show she’s someone who can take her medicine with the masses and not an elitist weirdo who can’t be in a room with regular people.
Her antisocial streak continued on Thursday when she opted not to attend an urgent question in the Commons on immigration.
When figures showed net migration hit a record high of 606,000 in 2022, she was nowhere to be found.
Shadow Home Secretary Yvette Cooper said Ms Braverman had “gone to ground” and asked: “What is the point of her?”
Disappearing act
In Aberdeen, a dog took “going to ground” to a new level by disappearing down a hole for 60 hours.
The heart-warming moment when Bear emerged from a burrow to be reunited with his owner Dasha Samatoina was caught on film and thankfully he seemed not too worse for wear.
My thoughts are with the family of rabbits who had a disorientated cavapoo taking up their entire living room for three days, wondering how they could get it to leave.
I see Rishi Sunak in a similar situation, backed into the corner of his office, having the same thoughts about his home secretary.
