It’s an offer no one can refuse. A movie script is in the works for a Scottish version of The Godfather and everyone wants in.
Peterhead-born film director Jon S Baird is the brains behind the project and if someone hasn’t already nicknamed it The Codfather and joked about sleeping with the fishes I’ll eat my hat.
This is affectionate ribbing of course because no one could be more thrilled than I am that Hollywood is again being brought to Scotland and by a local loon to boot.
Mr Baird, who filmed his movie Tetris in Aberdeen, revealed he has teamed up with award-winning Scottish writer Gregory Burke to put a kilt on the famous mafia movies.
The director let it slip about The Scottish Godfather idea at the Bafta Scotland Awards and word got around quicker than a seagull nicking a poke of chips.
He said: “Half an hour later I had Dougray and Tony Curran and everyone else over asking: ‘What’s all this? That’s what I want to do!’.”
The interest is certainly there and who knows, if the first film goes well, perhaps he could rework the entire trilogy.
The Scottish Godfather, some suggestions
I can see it all now…
Fredo’s boat will explode while he’s out trout fishing on Loch Ness, Michael will meet drugs runner Sollozzo and corrupt cop McCluskey in Nandos, and instead of singing a traditional Sicilian song at the wedding, the guests will do the Slosh.
Lewis Capaldi can take on the role of singer Johnny Fontane who will ask for Vito Corleone’s help in securing the role of Aladdin at the HMT panto.
If Lewis isn’t available, Eric Cantona could step in. He already has acting and musical experience and he’ll be playing some gigs in Scotland this year including in Aberdeen in April.
Vito will send his consigliere Tom Hagen to talk panto supremo Jack Woltz into offering Lewis/Eric the part but retribution will follow when he refuses.
To make the film suitable for younger audiences, no racehorses will be harmed and instead Woltz will have to give up his VIP tickets to see Taylor Swift at Murrayfield.
Michael will have to stand guard
After a failed assassination attempt on Don Corleone, Michael will stand guard outside The Rotunda Entrance at ARI, and will ask a baker he recognises from Greggs to act as back up in case the hitmen return to finish the job.
The young lad will be nervous as he’s only pretending to have a gun and wonder if Michael holds a grudge because he made him wait eight minutes for the cheese and onion pasties to come out of the oven.
Meanwhile, Don Vito’s eldest, Sonny, will be cooking the traditional Scottish dish, Chicken Tikka Masala, for some of the mobsters huddled around the kitchen table.
The prequel could cover the journey of Vito Corleone from his childhood in the Outer Hebrides to founding the family business in the big city, Inverness.
Then, after the incident at Nandos, Michael will go on the DL and return to the old country.
End of the road for Sonny
Here he falls in love with crofter’s daughter Apollonia after seeing her doing the school run down to the CalMac ferry.
Sonny will meet a sorry end when he is ambushed by rival gangsters after pulling into a parking layby on the AWPR to get his bearings.
His last words will be him muttering to himself: “Gah! I’ve missed the turn-off for the airport again.”
Michael’s hapless older brother Fredo will be packed off to Moe Greene but instead of Las Vegas it’ll be the next best thing – Millport.
Michael will check in to see what he’s been up to and there will be a weird scene in a nightclub where no-one really knows what’s happening. I suggest they use some archive footage of Mr G’s for this.
Next, to recreate the chaos of the crowd scene where Michael and Fredo have to escape Cuba on the eve of the revolution, it could just be them trying to get a taxi home on Hogmanay.
Jon S Baird probably won’t want to take any of these suggestions and that’s alright, just as long as he writes in the line: “Leave the gun. Take the yum yums.”
Conversation