Do you know someone who can’t stop lying? Here’s why, and the best ways to challenge it.
Most of us will be guilty of telling the odd white lie from time to time – a quick fib to avoid hurting someone’s feelings.
But Inverurie psychologist Amber Keenan says there’s a much wider pattern for someone who’s a compulsive liar.
But why do people behave like this – and what should you do if you’re faced with a tricky situation?
“Lies become part of everyday life,” she explained. “The purpose of the lie is also more complex and varied.
“Someone may lie uncontrollably, with no apparent underlying motive. It can be meaningless, and reflective of a chronic habitual behaviour.
“Lying may feel more comfortable than telling the truth.”
Dr Keenan says these tall tales usually paint the liar in the positive light – portraying them as a hero, or even a victim, which could help to manipulate others.
Where does compulsive lying come from?
Dr Keenan says a compulsion to lie often starts in childhood as a way to mask anxiety or shame.
While it’s normal at a young age, it can become unhealthy if the behaviour continues into adulthood.
She added: “Lies can be used to avoid closeness in relationships or to suppress uncomfortable emotions.
“It can also be driven by underlying anxiety and to defend against insecurities.”
The consequences of compulsive lying
Many compulsive liars can lead enjoyable lives but, in some cases, the consequences can be dire.
Those who are caught out could get in trouble at work or even with the authorities, and find their relationships start to break down.
“People can begin to believe that their value is based on their lies, for example: ‘They only like me because they think I’m rich.’
“This can make it challenging to live authentically. People can lose a sense of who they are.”
They know their lies are lies – but they’re unable to admit it.”
At the same time, compulsive liars will still be aware they’re stretching the truth.
“They know their lies are lies but are unable to admit it,” Dr Keenan explained. “Lying becomes a habit and a comfort.
“Some people argue that compulsive liars may lie to themselves so often that they begin to believe some of their lies.
“But they are not experiencing any break from reality in the way you might see someone experiencing psychosis, where fact and fiction become confused.”
How do you respond to a compulsive liar?
Dr Keenan says the best way forward can be “empathetic confrontation” – calling someone out, but in an understanding manner.
“Remind them that you value them for who they are, just as they are, and that they do not need to try and impress you,” she explained.
But Dr Keenan says you need to be prepared for them to get defensive – be on guard for denial, lashing out or gaslighting.
“Keep calm and remind yourself that their behaviour is not about you, it’s about them and their difficulty dealing with truths.
“Be mindful not to engage or encourage them. It can be helpful to act like a broken record, repeating the same simple sentence: ‘I’m not discussing this any further’.”
She added: “If none of these strategies work, consider whether the lies have any significant negative impact on you personally.
“If so, you may wish to consider how good the relationship is for you.
“You cannot force someone else to change their behaviour, but you do have control of yours.”
Read more:
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