One in four women experience domestic abuse – are you one of them?
Is there a ‘type’ of woman who is more susceptible to becoming a victim of domestic abuse? That was the question running through my head as I made my way to the offices of the Grampian Women’s Aid.
The answer is no as I was to find out after speaking to Alison Hay who has been the manager of GWA for the past year. She told me there is no type of women, they help ladies from all walks of life.
“One in four women experience domestic abuse and it can happen to any women regardless of class, culture and age,” Alison said.
“We have women come to us who are from all different areas of the Aberdeen city and Aberdeenshire with backgrounds that range from the oil industry, pharmacy, legal and the health sector.
“Women also are from different age groups, and different cultures. There is no typical women. Often people think domestic abuse just happens in the deprived areas, this is not the case.”
Another misconception people have regarding domestic abuse is that it is purely physical violence but it can be much more than this. Alison told me it can include emotional, sexual and financial abuse and is a pattern of controlling behaviour that is sustained over a long period of time.
“It can build very gradually and subtly and women often don’t realise what is happening. One question that we often get is, why doesn’t she just leave. I have many answers for this – feels guilt, wants to keep the family together, worried about coping on her own, scared her partner will take revenge, convinced he will find her, cultural pressures, is still in love with him and the list goes on.
“Our service is continually stretched, staff working tirelessly with women and children. It is an incredibly stressful time for women and the support that they receive is vital for them to move forward and overcome the experience. Support is required throughout this journey and more resources are always welcome every step of the way.
“Once a women leaves an abusive situation, it should be remembered that often the abuse does not end but is the start of a process. Women can also be helped by people being open about domestic abuse, talking about it and raising awareness.
“The work of Grampian Women’s Aid will continue until domestic abuse is eradicated and that can only happen if society and communities work together.”
One woman who wished to share her story is Zara, whose name has been changed to protect her identity. The 30 year old is an oil and gas professional and has been married two years and has one child.
After getting married she moved to the UK leaving their friends and family behind. She said her husband was very dominating from the start and became upset quickly, making Zara afraid to voice her opinions.
“He isolated me from everything and everyone,” she said.
“When I asked him to introduce me to his friends and family he would say bad things about his own friends and ask me to stay away from all that. That way he slowly made me so dependent on him.
“The emotional abuse started soon after our marriage. He doesn’t like me raising my opinion during any argument. If I do he would say I have mental problems and I’m hysteric and that’s why I argue with him. He does all sorts of things to make me feel bad and most importantly very low about myself.
“The physical abuse was when we had an argument and during the argument he suddenly started beating me on my arms and I started to cry and then he stopped. He didn’t apologise for his act rather he blamed me for that. He said it was my mistake and because I didn’t stop my argument he had to beat me. And he said I have some mental problems and that’s why I speak like this.”
Zara said she started believing whatever her husband said about her and she soon began to lose respect for herself. She started to think she was a bad person and it was ok for him to beat her.
“I didn’t realise till the end of the marriage that I was going through an abusive relationship,” she added.
“The emotional and physical abuse became more intense and every time it happened it’s was just a reassurance for me that I’m the bad person and I deserved
it all.
“Physical abuse was twice in a month and the emotional abuse was continuous. I never once thought about leaving because I always blamed me for everything and believed completely that I have some problems.”
Zara’s marriage came to a disastrous end when she finally hit back to the physical and verbal abuse. Her husband recorded her hitting him on his mobile and reported her to the police who arrested her.
After being given bail she went to the citizen advice bureau who directed her to GWA. She said she was very worried that no one would believe her side of the story, especially after being arrested.
She said: “I was reassured that they would never judge me and would believe what I say.
They helped me with advice on how I should keep myself and my little one safe.
“I was afraid of telling this to my work but they advised me to share it with my work and said I shouldn’t lose my job for this. And it was true, to my surprise I got a lot more support than I expected from my work. In fact my work was fully supportive throughout the legal process.”
Looking back on the experience Zara said she never thought it was domestic abuse, she just thought it was part of every marriage and she never spoke about it.
Now she said she feels like a different person and she loves and respects herself and would never let anyone else treat her like that.
“People say they would never let that happen to them but abusers are very manipulative,” Zara added. “They first break your confidence and slowly take control over you and your life. So it could happen to anyone, and has nothing to do with the type of women you are, how well you are educated, your financial situation and what race you are.”
Read Janine’s story
If you would like more information, you can contact Grampian Women’s Aid on 01224 593381 or e-mail Alison.hay@grampian-womens-aid.com. You can also visit www.grampian-
womens-aid.com