I was caught in a pincer movement by the editor and deputy editor – summoned into the Press and Journal’s inner sanctum by one, the door closed to cut off my escape route by the other.
I sensed trouble, and immediately started inwardly speculating on which of my litany of misdemeanours had finally caught up with me.
But as I was hastily mentally preparing the various, rather threadbare, cases for the defence, I was thrown completely off balance.
I was worn out, they said, needed a break, they added, so they were sending me to – at this point an awful vision of a week at a health farm in some Godforsaken corner of nowhere flashed across my mind’s eye – um, they were sending me to…. Barbados.
It took me about two heartbeats to say I was in, despite the fact that A: I didn’t have a valid passport and B: It would be a long flight and I hate flying.
And anyway, rejecting the chance to go on what turned out to be the trip of a lifetime would have been churlish in the extreme, even by my curmudgeonly standards.
So, a dash to Glasgow to get the passport sorted – with just hours to spare – and a quick trawl through the various clothing emporiums of the north-east to try to ferret-out some summery gear among the autumn-winter collections and I was ready to go.
Only I almost didn’t. Go that is.
Suffice to say I ended up running a bit later than very late on the day of departure, and my suitcase swabbed positive for explosives going through security at Glasgow Airport (the staff were as bemused as I was).
I think it’s called making it by the skin of one’s teeth. Another 60 seconds and the Thomas Cook Airlines Airbus 330 would have gone without me.
And oh how I would have regretted that, knowing what I know now.
To be honest, if I’d been asked to pick a global destination to get away from it all for a week – even in winter – I’d probably have chosen cooler climes, maybe somewhere in eastern Europe.
But from the moment I stepped off the aircraft into the blast of afternoon heat at Grantley Adams International Airport in Seawell, I was converted to the concept of a sunshine break when the snow, sleet and gales are doing their worst in Scotland.
Not that the heavens never open in Barbados, they do – downpours can be frequent and heavy during the rainy season – but the showers are easy to shrug-off because of the all-enveloping warmth.
Native Barbadians are so used to it that temperature changes measured in fractions of a degree can be the difference between the weather forecasters pronouncing it a “pleasant” or “chilly” day.
But there is an awful lot more to this tropical paradise than the fact you can get up before daybreak, stroll the beach in shorts and T-shirt, and go for a dip in the sea just as the sun is breaking cover without a hint of a shiver.
My base for the week was the Southern Palms Hotel – the “pink pearl of Barbados” – in touristy St Lawrence Gap on the south-west coast of the island, overlooking white sands which are a hatching and nesting ground for the endangered hawksbill turtle.
Within minutes of getting settled into my comfortable apartment – replete with balcony from which I could look down on the palm-lined beach – I wanted to do a bit of exploring, and quickly discovered that the Barbadian people are as warm as their weather.
The locals all smile, they all say hello, they’re only too happy to give you
directions to the nearest pub or grocery store.
And so I ended up in Sharkey’s bar, where I handed over 36 Barbadian dollars (about £12) for several Banks beers and the pleasure of drinking them in the open air, on a balmy Sunday afternoon – in winter.
Dusk falls quickly on this tiny island – it is just 21 miles long and 14 miles wide and is actually in the Atlantic, not the Caribbean – and when the darkness prompted me to call time on my first acquaintance with the local brew I had already decided that I was going to enjoy this trip rather a lot.
That notion was only reinforced when I sat down to dinner at the
Southern Palms and was invited to try Bajancorrect fish cakes, which were sumptuous, and became a fixture of successive meals over the course of the week.
As something of a seafood lover I couldn’t help following them with mahi mahi – known locally as dolphin fish although not related to Flipper – and billed on the menu simply as “catch of the day”.
But by breakfast time the next morning I was starting to have the first serious concerns about my waistline.
And I was intrigued to see fish fingers among the offerings.
Not the ones that come frozen in packs of 10, but hand-made efforts jostling for attention beside the sausages, bacon, eggs, plantation, hash browns, beans… and that was before getting to the coconut and banana bread which served as a sort of breakfast dessert.
Fortunately, Barbados Tourist Marketing Inc came to the rescue with a packed programme of activities to help burn off the calories.
A visit to the Garrison and George Washington House in capital Bridgetown offered a fascinating insight into the only trip the first president of the United States ever made outside his native America, and a military-grade rum punch.
A tour of the island in an open-sided 4×4 was not only an exciting way to travel on its relatively narrow roads but also revealed a region many overlook – one referred to by Barbados Tourist Marketing’s UK director Cheryl Carter as the “Scottish” part of her homeland.
The rugged east coast, with surf capital Bathsheba at its centre, has some spectacular scenery and provides a real contrast to the more tourist-focused west.
Oh, and the 4×4 tour also includes a safari-grade rum punch.
A Segway excursion was an altogether different way of taking in Bridgetown’s landmarks, and a dive in a submarine courtesy of Atlantis was as close as I’m ever going to get to a 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea experience.
And yes, on the shuttle boat back from the spot where the sub is moored off Bridgetown, there was a maritime-grade rum punch to be savoured.
As the time to depart Barbados loomed, I reflected that in just a few days I had amassed a clutch of memories that will stay with me forever.
I won’t forget sitting under the awning-covered terrace at Champers Restaurant at Skeetes Hill, looking out over the night sea as the rain hammered down, and feasting on crab crepe and coconut cake.
Nor will I forget being splashed with Atlantic brine as I lunched at The Restaurant at The Animal Flower Cave, on the clifftop at the northern tip of the island, as the waves crashed against the rocks just feet away.
One regret is that I didn’t get the chance to visit the famous Oistins fish fry; you have to be there on a Friday for that.
But I did find time to have a peek at the childhood home of pop star Rihanna, one of the island nation’s most famous exports, and sample some of the Mount Gay distillery’s finest blends (a distillery-grade rum punch was, naturally, made available).
But the standout memory, the one thing I would make a point of returning to Barbados just to experience again, was the Jammin’ catamaran cruise.
I’d bumped into a fellow Scot on the beach one morning who’d advised me that this vessel was known locally as the “party boat”.
I found out why as the day unfolded. Naturally, rum punch was involved, and beer, and a very nice meal.
Some of my shipmates elected to swim with the turtles and snorkel over the shipwrecks.
I was content to sit with my legs dangling over the side and simply savour the fact that here I was, on a boat, off a tropical island, on a beautiful day, living a dream.
And before the rum punch had started to take its toll, the captain allowed me – albeit briefly – to take the helm and steer us along the coast.
By the time we docked back in Bridgetown – music pumping, people dancing on the deck, I realised that not only did I not want to leave Barbados, I wanted to go back, as soon as
possible.
The former British colony celebrates the 50th anniversary of its independence in November next year.
I suspect it will be some party.
TRAVEL FACTS
Flights: Glasgow to Barbados from £298.98 return, Manchester to Barbados from £335 return (subject to availability).
To book visit www.thomascookairlines.com
Accommodation: Southern Palms Hotel – rooms from £131 on a room only board basis.
To book visit http://www.southernpalms.net/
Barbados: For more information on Barbados visit http://www.visitbarbados.org/
ACTIVITIES
Garrison Historic Tour (http://www.barbadosgarrison.net)
£31.50 for adults and £25 for children
Barbados Segway Tour (http://www.segwaybarbados.com/)
£41 per person
Island Safari
(http://www.islandsafari.bb/)
£60 for adults and £39 for children
Jammin Catamaran Cruise (http://www.jammincats.com/)
£57 for adults and £26 for children
Mount Gay Rum Tour (http://www.mountgayrum.com/) signature tour costs £6.50 and under-12s go free
EATING OUT
Cutters (http://www.cutters.bb/)
Cafe Luna (http://www.cafelunabarbados.com/)
Champers Restaurant (http://champersrestaurant.com)
CURRENCY
Barbadian dollars and US dollars are accepted. £1 is worth about 3BBD.
WEATHER
Typical December to May temperatures range from 21C to 31C, while between June and November, they range from 23C to 31C. I saw a low of 27C and a high of 31C.
WHERE IS IT?
Although is has a very Caribbean feel to it and is in the West Indies, Barbados is actually a North Atlantic island. The 4,170-mile flight from Glasgow took about nine hours, the return trip – to Manchester – lasted under eight hours.
DO:
Try the rum punch, wherever you go. It’s delicious – and potent. For those who prefer to avoid alcohol the fruit punches are very nice too.
Swim in the sea, but only on the west and south coasts. The east is pounded by the Atlantic, but is favoured by surfers.
Feast on the fish cakes. The Barbadian take on a Scottish favourite is one of the island’s culinary delights.
Take a tour of the island. It offers beautiful scenery and having a beer or a dram at a bar or a rum shop off the beaten track is great fun.
Make sure you take insect repellent. Mosquitoes rather than midges are the issue.
DON’T:
Wear camouflage – it is illegal for anyone bar serving members of the military to don clothes with an “interrupted pattern”. Even a pair of camo shorts could land you in a spot of bother.
Sunbathe topless. Public nudity is against the law on the island.
Get too close to the green monkeys, if you’re lucky enough to see them. They can be very protective of their young, and their food.
Be afraid to explore on your own. Barbados is a generally safe place.