Being bombarded with inexplicable “management speak” is now a common occurrence for the modern office worker.
A survey of 2,000 managers earlier this year, conducted by the Institute of Leadership and Management, showed office jargon is now used in two-thirds of offices across Britain.
Mention it to most sane people and you will get a knowing nod – quickly followed by a black look of despair.
Despite its relentless invasion of the workplace it seems not many people like it, while others find it irritating.
So why, if we all resent it, do we allow it to continue?
Someone who may know the answer is Steven Poole, author of funny new book Who Touched Base In My Thought Shower?: A Treasury Of Unbearable Office Jargon.
“Perhaps everyone is scared that if we don’t speak the same way, no one will take them seriously,” he said.
“So if you innocently talk of ‘doing’ something instead of ‘actioning’ it, or ask someone if they’re free for a quick chat rather than sending a request ‘to diarise about touching base’, you could be in danger of appearing old-fashioned and out of touch.”
We’re also the generation that likes to upscale our lives.
Social media now means even watching telly is #relaxationtime, so when asked how we spent our day at work, we shudder at the idea of admitting we sent a few e-mails then unpacked the stationery order.
No. We interfaced with stakeholders and hypervised the office collateral.
Poole wisely points out it can’t be coincidence that many jargon phrases stem from the action-fuelled worlds of military (‘on my radar’ and ‘strategy’, for example) and sport (‘deep dive’ and ‘close of play’).
“A lot is engineered to jolly its targets along by making fluorescent-lit days sound more exciting and important,” he said.
And he fears this ‘jolly’ jargon can mask darker leanings.
“Management language tends to dehumanise workers,” he says. “It also obscures management responsibility for things and dreams up euphemisms for sacking people – like resizing.”
Perhaps another reason for our use of jargon is simply that it’s human nature to want to expand our vocabulary and if ‘twerking’ can make the 2013 list, surely ‘moof’ (translation: mobile and out of office) shouldn’t be too far behind?
Behind all the hypothetical discussions of why office jargon is so popular though, one hard fact remains: it is not going away.
So even if you can’t bear to embrace it, perhaps it’s still safest to learn, with a few helpful examples from Poole’s book, what everyone in your next meeting is actually talking about.
Circle back: A passive-aggressive avoidance strategy. When people can’t be bothered to make a decision, rather than actually saying they can’t be bothered they instead suggest that everyone circle back to it later.
Annual leave: People on their holidays set their out-of-office autoreply to announce grandly that they are instead on annual leave.
Bleeding edge: In the dynamic modern office, it seems ‘cutting edge’ is no longer, er, cutting edge. The blade has been blunted. If you try to shave with it, you’ll probably cut your face.
Helicopter view: Dully, to take a helicopter view is not to mow down villagers in a re-enactment of the Vietnam war but simply to look at things on a large scale.
Bio-break: This phrase, which dates from the 1990s, a) gets round the problem of whether to say ‘loo’ or ‘bathroom’ or ‘restroom’ break, and b) makes people sound kind of hip and modern, like biotech engineers.
Boil the ocean: This can be, strangely, good or bad. When it’s bad, it just means you’re wasting time on an unnecessary inflation of tasks. The thinking is that boiling the ocean would take a very long time. On the other hand, boiling the ocean is good for exactly the same reason: you are attempting something very difficult and time-consuming, which can be a fine and heroic thing to do.
Thought shower: The term “brainstorm” is now discouraged as it’s considered insensitive to people with epilepsy. Instead you’re more likely to be invited to a “thought shower” instead.
Who Touched Base In My Thought Shower?: A Treasury of Unbearable Office Jargon by Steven Poole is published by Spectre, priced £9.99.