The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs, written by Andrew Brebner and Simon Fogiel.
Tanya Souter, Lifestyle Correspondent
I da ken about youse, but I wis shocked fan I seen that Aiberdeen Uni is thinking o’ banning “non-essential” dogs, cos they can cause distress tae some students. Fit’s ‘at aboot, eh?
I mean, I ken some folk is feart o’ dogs, but some dogs is feart o’ folk. Oor dog runs a mile fan my kids ging near it, ‘cos it kens my Jayden’s gan tae try putting a saddle on it. Again.
On the one hand, a university is a place o’ learning, far young folk are meant tae be expanding their horizons and ha’ein new experiences.
Nae lik ‘at, ye gype. Ye canna ging about banning stuff at an edumacational institution jist cos some folk is feart o’ it.
Fan I wiz at school, I wiz feart o’ daen ony work, but that didnae get banned did it?
OK they did ban me fae the school. But ‘at wisnae due tae the potential for causing distress. It wiz mair tae dae wi’ me setting fire tae one tiny wee bit o’ the science lab.
On the ither hand, fa’s taking their dog wi’ them tae lectures onywye? It’s an ancient university, nae an episode o’ The Littlest Hobo.
Mind you, my pal Big Sonya enjoys walkies aroon Auld Aiberdeen wi’ her staffie, Satan.
But I dinna think she’ll be affected by ony ban cos she says Satan is a thera-pet. Actually she might of said ‘terror pet’, I couldnae hear cos the great slavering thing wis growling at me and barking it’s heid aff.
Professor Hector Schlenk, senior researcher at the Bogton Institute for Public Engagement with Science
As a scientist, I have become used to people asking me questions. Questions like, what gives a seared steak such a delicious flavour?
Does John MacLeod’s involvement in the discovery of insulin merit all the fuss that has been made about him this week? And, is there intelligent extra-terrestrial life?
To which I answer, “the Maillard reaction; yes, undoubtedly; and I hope so, because there’s scant evidence of it on earth.”
But I have also become used to people avoiding questions. Most notably, around climate change.
After many years looking at the topic I can conclude that the Ostrich is by no means the only large biped with a penchant for burying its head in the sand.
Melting polar ice caps, ferocious wild-fires and rising sea levels that will cause the inundation of island nations have not been sufficient to shake people out of their sense of complacency.
“We’ll be able to get the sun-loungers out if it gets a few degrees warmer around here”, my neighbour said to me recently.
“Ho ho”, I responded, through gritted teeth. “What an original and well-thought-out response to an emergent global catastrophe.”
But just the other day the same neighbour came to me, clutching his paper in a quivering hand, asking “Is it true? Is it true? WHAT CAN BE DONE ABOUT IT!?!”
For he had seen something that had finally brought the full horrors home to him: the news that due to climate change, it is inevitable that in the near future beer will taste worse and cost more.
I confirmed it was true, due to the inability of the most fragrant hops to grow in a warmed climate. Suddenly, after years of denial, the 4×4 was confined to the garage and a ground source heat pump was on order.
It is now clear to me what the scientific community must do. If we can build on this momentum by demonstrating that global warming will double the price of a cappuccino, make chocolate taste like plasticine and end the broadcasting career of Professor Bryan Cox we might, at last, be in with a chance of progress.
Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit whose first touch is a tackle
As the old saying says, it says “All good things must come to a stop” and sadly Stevie Clarke’s amazing run of results with Scotland come down to Earth with a blimp on Thursday night when Spain cuffed us 2-0.
To be honest, the Spaniels was by far the better team, and they had the lion’s chair of the chances.
But once again there was a contraverbial moment when Scott McTominay’s free kick was choc-iced off by VAR.
The ref had a bit of a mare as his arm signals was all over the shop, so it took a few minutes to figure out that he was disallowing the goal and not trying land a Harrier jump-jet on an aircraft carrier, but as usual, VAR had it in for the Jocks and we was robbed.
I’ll be the first to admit my hopes was not high when Clarko got the Scotland job, but to be fair to the lad he’s been setting the trees alight and pulling up heather ever since.
Back under Avril Levein or Verti Bogts we’d have been pickled tink with a 2-0 defeat against Spain, now we come away with our legs between our tails.
Still, if the Spaniels can keep up their winning ways tomorrow when they stick the Norwenians, that will be enough to put us through. It’s true what they say, they say Football is a fickle mattress. I might have hated their gatos on Thursday, but I’ve already got my Solero and straw donkey looked out for Sunday. Bieber Espana!
Conversation