Kevin Cash, money saving expert and king of the grips
I’ve nivver seen Boris as reed-faced as he wiz this wik, ranting on fan he wis grilled aboot fa actually peyed for daein’ up his Downing Street flat. I went a similar shade o’ crimson fan I read foo much it’s cost. Twa hunner thoosan’? For wallpaper and sofas? At’s mintil.
Some Tory donor or ither may or may not hiv splashed the cash, (Very generous I’m sure, and nae suggestion at a’ that they’d be expecting onythin’ in return.) but it’s nae as if it wis needed. The PM a’ready gets £30,000 a year tae dae up the flat, plus it wiz totally redone 10 year ago. My living room carpet’s got beer stains aulder than ‘at. Ye hiv tae wonder fit kind of state Cameron left it in for it tae need £200,000 of work? Then again, I suppose, pigs is messy animals.
Boris’s bidie-in, Carrie Symonds (fit a set up that is, by the way – they got engaged and hid a kid files he wis still merried tae someb’dy else. I’m nae een tae judge, but I dinna ‘hink the Daily Mail wid’ve let Keir Starmer awa wi’ yon. Or Theresa May, for ‘at matter) has spent thoosands on gold wallpaper and wisnae prepared tae sit awa wi’ a suite fae John Lewis’s.
Shocking, is it? There’s a lot o’ folk can only dream o’ getting their hands on jist a scatter cushion fae John Lewis. And, obviously, for folk in Aiberdeen it’s a special kind o’ kick in the teeth. Noo the press is getting real worked up about fa originally peyed for it a’. I’ve nae seen this much fuss over cash and Carrie since my mate Mick the Pill nicked a’ thon pallets fae Makro.
Michael Gove’s wife said Boris could nae be expected tae live in a skip. I jist thocht, given the usual state of him, is she positive?
If Boris wiz nae keen on peying full whack for the redecoration, the feel gype should have come tae me. Wi’ jist one basket o’ Lidl’s non-copyright infringing caramel and biscuit Twix equivalent bar, ye’ve enough wrappers tae cover a feature wa’. Hey presto – gold wallpaper, and nivver mind £840 a roll, this is 28p a wrapper, and his the added benefit o’ leaving ye wi’ a month’s worth o’ fine pieces.
And ye dinna need a nine grand sofa either. Mick The Pill has a van and is adept at scooping up the eens fit have been left on the pavement for collection. Ye can easy tape up ony holes and sort oot the smell o’ fags wi’ a quick scoosh o’ Febreeze.
But that’s nae foo these folk think, is it? The ither day we hid Michael Gove’s wife on the radio saying that Boris could nae be expected tae live in a skip. I jist thocht, given the usual state of him, is she positive?
Prof Hector Schlenk, Senior Researcher at the Bogton Institute for Public Engagement with Science
As a scientist, people are always asking me questions. Questions like: “Which came first, the chicken or the egg?”, “How much wood would a woodchuck chuck?” and “Who is H on Line of Duty?”
But this week they’ve mostly been asking about rubbish. At least, I think that’s what’s going on. Perhaps they’re just making disparaging remarks about my scientific credentials.
Rubbish hit the headlines earlier in the week when a decades old sandwich wrapper was found on Mar Lodge estate out by Braemar.
The food packaging in question had a best before date of March 1992 – back when the USA had just voted out a dud Republican President, the Tories were running our country, and talks to set up a new European football competition were underway. A different world.
Perhaps the most noteworthy aspect of this piece of luncheon-related detritus was the price; a handsome £1.09. My, that takes me back. I’m afraid I got a bit nostalgic thinking of the cost of other everyday items from 30 years ago. A pint of beer would have set you back £1.50. The newly invented deep fried Mars bar from the Carron fish bar in Stonehaven, 95p. And The Treaty of Maastricht seemed a bargain at the time, but turned out to have some pretty significant long term costs.
These inflationary price rises may yet be our greatest hope for increased respect for the environment in the future. Prices are rocketing by 100% per decade.
Surely once 30 more years have passed we’ll have seen an end to people leaving non-biodegradable rubbish lying around our beauty spots? We’ll all be making our own sandwiches rather than forking out a tenner a pop.
