Denise Gilbert shares a birthday with her daughter. However, instead of planning a celebration, she’s preparing for her daughter’s funeral.
Sam Gilbert was just days away from her 36th birthday when she died. After a lifetime of mental health issues her family believe her body “just gave up”.
Now her sister is sharing treasured photographs and telling her story in a bid to shed light on the complexities of mental health conditions and the need for ever more help for those suffering.
“All my sister ever wanted in life was to be happy. Not to have a fancy house, or a fancy job, but to be happy. We’re sad she passed away without ever getting there,” said Hazel Fordham, Sam’s elder sister.
Growing up
Sam was born on February 28, 1987.
The daughter of Kevin Elliot and Denise, she spent most of her life seeing her step-dad Richard Gilbert as her father. They lived on Provost Rust Drive and Sam attended Smithfield Primary before moving on to St Machar Academy.
Her mainstream secondary education was cut short with a transfer to Marlpool Special School.
“Sam had some learning difficulties and even at a young age we could see some mental health issues coming to light,” said Hazel. “She started being really anxious and resistant to go to school, there was some bullying too. In truth, she didn’t always get the help she needed.
“She ended up leaving at 15, crippled by anxiety. She actually became a recluse.”
House bound
While Denise fought to get appropriate help for her daughter Sam became more and more troubled.
Between the ages of 15 and 27 she rarely left the house at all. She received a bipolar diagnosis and was told she had a borderline personality condition too.
“Eventually Sam was offered supported accommodation. My mum has some disabilities too, and I’m 10 years older than Sam so I was away from home by then having my own family,” added Hazel.
After a short stint in Mastrick, Sam moved to a permanent flat in Torry where she enjoyed watching the dolphins from the Battery. Latterly she was living in Kittybrewster.
Gripped by grief
“Her house became a bit like her state of mind. It was chaotic and worrying. She formed some relationships in this time that weren’t good for her but she kind of had the mentality that it was better to be with someone than no-one. She just didn’t want to be on her own. Sam was also lacking in life skills because she hadn’t worked. Cooking wasn’t something she was good at either.
“She ended up in a physically abusive relationship and saddest of all was the loss of her baby.”
Struggling to move past the grief of child loss Sam started collecting “reborn dolls.”
“She just lived in the past and always seemed to be looking back not ahead. We’re told that’s connected to her bipolar diagnosis. Those baby dolls were so lifelike that they brought her some peace. Sam bought them clothes, walked them in a pram… she loved them.”
As the years went on Sam’s family could see her changing.
Happy times and sad
“From this fair-haired little girl her appearance mirrored her life and just got darker and darker.
“My sister never had a job – she couldn’t work. Even making phone calls was a pressure she couldn’t cope with. For many years my mum, who is disabled herself, was like her carer. That’s why when she turned a corner we were so happy.”
However, 18 months ago Sam met her new partner Richard McCombie from Peterculter.
A stable influence on her life, he helped her socialise. Sam’s family say she “got her spark back.”
The residual damage, however, of not leaving the house for many years was evident in Sam’s body.
‘Sam just didn’t wake up’
She had muscle atrophy making it hard to walk at times. Her medication made her sleepy – something that caused her upset. Comments that “she looked like she was on drugs” affected her deeply. Her grip weakened and the muscle deterioration put pressure on her heart.
On February 13, Richard came home and found Sam’s speech to be confused.
Three days earlier she had seen a girl known to her ex-boyfriend and became extremely anxious that her location would be disclosed.
“She was exhausted from the worry. Richard put on the dinner and Sam went for a sleep. When he went to wake her up for food she was unconscious.
“He phoned an ambulance, then called us.
“And the next thing we knew he called to say she had passed away.”
Memorial plans
Hazel added: “For me, it was years of trauma, years of needing help but not getting it. There’s little comfort in knowing she’s not in pain any more because we thought she was getting better. But I think it’s a bit like stopping smoking then having to deal with the long-term consequences of it.”
Sam’s funeral will take place on Thursday March 2 at 10am, in the parlour of Aberdeen Funeral Directors, Causewayend.
She’ll be dressed in the new clothes she got for Christmas, her nails are done and she will be wearing the wig she liked for her TikTok videos.
Fitting farewell
To help pay for her memorial service Hazel has launched a Go Fund Me page.
“My mum just never expected to bury her child. She’s disabled herself and it’s a huge expense for her.
“You know, my sister got the most joy and the most sense of happiness from knowing she had followers on social media. I think it would have meant so much to her to think people had helped give her a special send off.”
Sam, who loved Winnie the Pooh and doing her make-up had already discussed the music she would like in the event of her death. So the song “If I die young” will be played and Pooh bears placed on her casket.
“All my sister wanted was to be happy. That was it. She longed to be a mum too.
“When I think back to the bubbly little girl that she was it makes me heartbroken. We’re telling Sam’s story so other people will realise the weight on a family when mental health issues set in. It affects everyone and I don’t think people realise the impact it can have physically too.”
‘Don’t give up’
Now Hazel is urging others to keep fighting for support.
“Please don’t give up on yourself or your loved ones. I made a promise to Sam when she died that I would raise awareness of this and tell people that they need to keep going in order to get they help they need.
“I’m here now feeling guilty because I couldn’t do more for her because I was looking after my own family. And I know I won’t be the only one feeling powerless as a relative of someone in the kind of pain Sam was in.
“She should have had her whole life in front of her. There needs to be more awareness. If it helps one more person… if it causes someone to get back on the right track then Sam going won’t have been for nothing.”
Conversation