The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs.
Tanya Souter, lifestyle guru
I da ken aboot youse but this wik I hiv hid a richt feeling of Dijon view. Here we are again, wi’ the highest Covid rates in Europe, and the new Health Secretary, Sajid Javid (ye ken, the een wi’ the heid fit is practically a perfect sphere), says nae tae worry, it’s definitely nae gan tae affect Christmas. I’m nae gan tae say I disbelieve him, but I did find masel daein a Jimmy Hill impression and shouting “itchy chin” at the TV.
He done a press conference on Wednesday far he says the government his a “plan B”, but they dinna hink it’s time tae use it. I wis blown awa by ‘at. The government his a plan B? But ‘at implies they hae a plan A ana’! I’m nae an expert, but I reckon they should try at een first.
It certainly disnae seem tae be getting only easier, dis it? My twa his jist been telt that they still hae tae wear facemasks at school fan they gig back efter the tattie holidays. They’re happy enough though; it means they can cairry on causing chaos anonymously.
My Jayden weers a facemask the hale time. Maistly he dis it tae hide his acne, but ken ‘is? It’s like haein yer tea wi’ Darth Vader.
It must be an affa tricksy variant this een fit gets ye fan yer oot watching fireworks or a parade but disnae bother ye fan yer a’ squeezed up thegither on the government benches at Prime Minister’s Question Time
In anither example o’ how it’s a’ gan fine, the NHS his hid tae ask the army for help, but they’ve nae said exactly fit wi’. Are the soldiers gan tae be daein diagnoses or are they manning the phones?
I’m nae sure fit een I’d prefer, tae be fair. It’s stressful enough phoning my doctors wi’ oot hearing some sergeant major barking doon the line at ye. Mind you, the hoops ye hiv tae jump through tae get a GP appointment these days is mental. Maybe a round o’ SAS: Fa Dares Wins wid be easier.
It disnae look like we’ll be getting oor full complement o’ festive fun this winter though, dis it? Nae big firework display doon at the beach, nae Christmas parade doon Union Street – a pity cos I wiz looking forward tae seeing Sunty and his reindeer trying tae negotiate the plant pots. But, fit wi’ the Covid risks they present, they’re cancelled.
It must be an affa tricksy variant this een fit gets ye fan yer oot watching fireworks or a parade but disnae bother ye fan yer a’ squeezed up thegither on the government benches at Prime Minister’s Question Time.
A lot o’ folk are saying we should expect shortages o’ festive food and toys due tae a’ the supply problems, so we’re being advised tae get wir stuff noo. Funny at, my pal Big Sonya wis just saying the other day that it gets earlier every year, diz it? The date fan ye hae tae stairt yir Christmas shoplifting.
Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who pulls up the stumps
As the horror show at Pittodrie gets worser and worserer, Old Kenny has had to resort to watching some of the minority sports for a glimpse of success. And they don’t get much minorer than Croquet.
I’m no stranger to the sound of feather on pillow – I’ve done a few leg breaks in my time, as anyone what followed my playing career will recall – but I’ve always found the game itself a bit long winded. Thank goodness, then, for the tough and rumble of T20, which is like watching a test match on fast forward.
After thrashing Bangladesh, Papua Mankini and the Isle O’ Man, the Scots has romped into the main competition
You can tell if you’re watching T20 because the players is all wearing their pyjamas, which is because most of the matches is played at night.
The World Cup is on just now over in the United Arabian Emulates, and Scotland was in with a chance of qualifying through the diddy tournament with all the diddy teams. I didn’t hold out much hope, but after thrashing Bangladesh, Papua Mankini and the Isle O’ Man, the Scots has romped into the main competition which is called the Super 12s. Assumably after the fags what I used to smoke in the eighties.
I thought they’d stopped all tobacco advertising in sport, but maybe that ban doesn’t not apply if hardly nobody never breaks into a run.
Anyway, come on you Scots, bring on the cover drives, deep square cut legs and silly midriffs! We can’t wait to see you do what Scotland expects of its team in a World Cup. Draw with the holders, beat the eventual winners then go out on goal difference after getting gubbed by Albania.