The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs.
Davinia Smythe-Barrett, ordinary mum
As a proud Scottish family living in Scotland (well, apart from my husband Milo who is in tax exile in Belize, the poor lamb), we love our country. However, one can’t help but feel that our little nation sometimes misses out the razzmatazz some of our near neighbours enjoy.
We’ve never hosted an Olympics, we’ve only had one Eurovision Song Contest, and Elvis understandably scarpered back to America the minute he saw the facilities at Prestwick Airport.
But, every now and again, dear old Alba is picked to host something of true global significance, and the upcoming COP26 summit in Glasgow gives me and likeminded Scots our moment to shine – with a good old fashioned protest!
Inspired by our comrades in London, I’ve formed my own radical pressure group: Insulate Kingswells. My fellow freedom fighters and I have been working hard on our passive aggressive plans to cause mayhem and disruption, bringing attention to our goal of making the beastly government offer grants to help with heating bills for the owners of luxury steading conversions.
The challenge for we environmental activists is to ensure that our protests have real impact, while also respecting the planet. One of our number, Isabella (ordinary mum, pet feng shui consultant and influencer) suggested we glue ourselves to the road outside the SEC in Glasgow, but we dismissed that idea. Some of us are getting a manicure this weekend and while, yes, we are in the midst of a climate emergency, I’m afraid superglue and shellac do not mix.
Whatever we do, I can’t wait. It’ll be just like the time we demonstrated against globalised capitalism at the 2005 G8 summit in Gleneagles. Just a pity that, this time, it won’t be quite so convenient to tie in our placard waving with some prosecco and a deep tissue massage at the spa.
Tanya Souter, lifestyle guru
I da ken aboot youse, but I dinna understand a’ the palaver aboot Squid Games on Netflix. I likes a nature documentary, and fa widna wint tae see a load o’ sea creatures playing hide and seek or fitiver?
Mind you, I wizna that impressed wi’ the bittie I did catch. I didnae see ony squids, jist a lot o’ fowk in green tracksuits playing Grunny’s Footsteps and shouting in Korean. Maybe a’ the octopuseses wiz hiding.
It’s nae easy tae stop yer kids watching a’ sorts these days. Especially fan we need them tae operate a’ the technology fit we canna work
Onywye, these nature shows his really gone doonhill since David Attenborough stopped appearing in person. But ye canna really blame him, he’s 95 and fan the machine guns stairted it wiz affa loud.
But I wiz shocked tae hear aboot school pupils at Countesswells acting oot scenes fae the programme and their parents getting telt aff for letting them watch it. I mean, I expect that in my street – it’s like Mad Max beyond the Thunderdome roon here maist wikends – but nae in the posh bits o’ toon. Just shows ye foo popular it is, dis it? And foo fa iver we are, fariver we bide, we are a’ united by one thing – ower the last 18 months ab’dy his watched athin there is on Netflix.
Apparently the trouble here is kids copy violent scenes, and canna extinguish atween maky-up stuff and real life. Weel at’s nae exactly news, is it? I mind yon time efter watching Tom & Jerry, my Jayden wiz determined tae get the cat tae swallow an anvil.
But kids is jist generally thick, are they? At’s nae my fault, at’s jist genetics. I seen a cooncil edumacation spokesman wis saying that kiddies shouldna watch shows fit contain violence and cruelty. I s’pose they get enough o’ that themselves fan they’re playing at being wrestlers or bullying een anither on Instachat.
It’s nae fair that the parents is getting pelters, though, is it? It’s nae easy tae stop yer kids watching a’ sorts these days. Especially fan we need them tae operate a’ the technology fit we canna work.
But we’re a’ daen wir best tae be responsible and ensure wir bairns dinna watch nithin fit’s nae suitable. I draw the line at the news. I ken it’s nearly Halloween but my twa still get a fleg if Boris hoves into view.
A’ this cairry on aboot fit ye shouldna let yer kids watch fan they’re wee has been gan on for ages, though, his it? My pal Big Sonya says she minds sitting wi’ her parents as they worked through a’ the video nasties, like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre in atween episodes o’ Play School, and it niver did her nae hairm. Weel, she says ‘at but she still canna look through a roon windae wi’ oot getting palpitations.