I guess if there are two things behind the idea of this column they might be:

Our beloved sports editor’s accurate belief that kids in Torry and Torphins are at least as au fait and interested in what’s happening in Spanish football as they are in Sellick and Sevco…

And the other, in fairness, is “boy from Bieldside” done good(ish). No?

(PS: Hello to everyone in the Granite City).

Dream big. If I can do this, living on the edge of the Mediterranean and chatting away to the greatest footballers ever, then you can too.

Believe me.

On which subject: When Cristiano Ronaldo was ushered off the stage at the Grimaldi Forum in Monte Carlo last week, it was straight into the embracing arms (for which read microphone) of yours truly.

He’d just nicked the Best Player in Europe prize off Leo Messi (winner a year ago, not listed this time. Go figure) after what has admittedly been a quite astonishing year for the unreal Ronaldo.

He’s starred as Obi Wan Kenobi in a Portuguese remake of Star Wars, he’s now all of the judges of Britain’s Got Talent, it’s now him who’s funding the EUR100m development of Union Terrace Gardens and, on the quiet, he’s actually Hillary Clinton’s running mate. Not for office. Just a running mate.

Anyway, I digress.

The truth is that, during 2016, he won an affa lot of prizes and scored a heap of goals. Fit a loon he is.

But, and I’m going over old ground here, he’s the very epitome of when not to judge the book by the cover.

If you are superglued to your couch, if you’ve never shelled out to go to see Ronaldo play in the flesh – if you really only assess him by the fact he’s more of a showman than Freddie Mercury – then let me try to re-orientate you.

Aside from his talent and obsession (not dedication – obsession) he’s bright, shrewd and master of his own ship.

I’ve written previously of my regard for the fact that while he doesn’t quite possess the vesuvius compendium of natural talents which God (or his HR department) happen to have gifted Leo Messi, it’s just enormous fun watching CR7 play.

If your vision is not blighted by Blaugrana or Blanco glasses (which is to say that you’re not from either side of Spain’s Old Firm) then it’s a blessing to have Ronaldo knocking seven shades out of the record book at the same time as Messi wears the crown. We are, genuinely, privileged.

If you love football, truly love it and hope to see its boundaries pushed and prodded out of previous shapes, then Ronaldo’s the Pavlovian bell to which Messi (in theory) responds.

I’ve spoken to the Argentinean often enough to be sure that in his own mind, at least, his GPS is set to a greatness which doesn’t necessarily include the objective of overshadowing Ronaldo.

But in achieving what the little Rosarian has set out to achieve (spurring his team on to La Liga, Copa and Champions League titles) he must, by definition, either equal or surpass the Portuguese.

They are rivals.

Not a product of marketing, nor the Cain and Abel of fraternal feuds.

Just two great football beasts for whom it’s always the rutting season.

All I’d like to emphasise (whether people have already made this point or not. I think not) is that Ronaldo’s much more witty, much more fun than either his cavalcade of facial grimaces or his haughty pitch presence might suggest.

Laugh a minute? No, I’m not arguing that.

But sharp, imbued with a sense of fun and (very) far from pompous – definitely.

Here’s just a tiny little example.

A couple of years ago I was hired by a television company for a day’s filming in Madrid.

They had the rights to a Champions League match he was playing at the Bernabéu and wanted to fill the day leading up to the game with footage for the programme they would put out a few days later.

Their basic idea of filming some big advertising posters of CR7 around Spain’s capital didn’t pan out because, simply, there weren’t any.

Stuck for anything else I suggested we hit Plaza Sol in the centre and film one of those ubiquitous chalk and crayon artists drawing a caricature of one of sports most famous faces.

That film would then be speeded up so that the Cristiano caricature took about 25 seconds to go from blank page to complete when the programme went out.

It worked a treat.

Armed with the large portrait we filmed fans reacting to it and talking to it around the Bernabéu.

Post match, after Madrid won and he scored, we waited in a “first-access” media area (flash zone) and I suggested to the producer that we perhaps shouldn’t flourish the caricature.

He ignored me and when Ronaldo sallied out he stopped to sign a piece of paper some Russian TV crew stuck in front of his nose, then looked up – saw his own caricature staring back at him and grinned.

He quipped: “Is that ME? “No, surely not … I look better than that in REAL life.

“Do you want me to sign it???” Huge infectious grin on his face.

Without the chance for either of us to react he grabbed it, autographed it and strolled on.

Sadly a halfwit official spotted only the last part and got his knickers in a twist (he’s now in charge of the flash zone in Darlington) and thought the superstar had been asked to sign something – rather than had offered to do so off his own initiative.

I’ve not spoken to CR7 directly since then but the instant he saw me backstage in Monte Carlo interviewing Roberto Carlos, while the Madrid striker queued up to chat to me and the camera, he instantly butted into my intro about “… and here’s the Best Player in Europe himself … Cristiano Ron …” by stating loudly … “And I look BETTER in real life don’t I ?” referencing back many months and matching the showman’s grin which was again splitting his face with a cheeky wink in my direction.

Honestly, that’ll do for me.

Funny, irreverent, firmly showing who’s in control, intelligent and flipping talented.

And so is Ronaldo.

I’ve no regrets on quitting says Keane

Robbie Keane insists he will have no regrets over ending his international career after scoring his 68th goal for the Republic of Ireland in his 146th and final appearance.

The 36-year-old was given a rapturous ovation by the crowd at the Aviva Stadium after playing 57 minutes of the 4-0 friendly victory over Oman and signing off with a goal which saw him draw him level with German Gerd Muller.

Asked if he had any regrets over his decision, which he conveyed to manager Martin O’Neill and his team-mates after the Euro 2016 finals, Keane said: “No, it’s the right time. You just know when it’s the right time.

“Will I miss it? Of course I will.

“It’s a big part of my life and my family for 18 years, so of course I will miss it.

“But I don’t think I’ll sit back and regret it.”