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The Flying Pigs: We were still dealing with snowflakes mid-heatwave

By The Flying Pigs

July 23 2022, 6:00 am

People travel on the London Underground during the recent heatwave (Photo: Tolga Akmen/EPA-EFE/Shutterstock)

The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs.

View From The Midden – rural affairs with Jock Alexander

It’s been a recalescent wik in the village. Michty, fit a heat!

Wi’ Englandshire sweltering in the highest temperatures iver recorded, hooses gan on fire, and the London Fire Brigade busier than during the Blitz, nivver hiv I been mair relieved tae live 500 mile further north.

On Twitagram and Bookface, heid-the-bas are shouting that onyb’dy worrying aboot the heat is a fearty snowflake, citing the summer o’ 1976, fan it wiz roasting and we didnae hae a’ this fuss aboot it.

Weel I mind fine on 1976, and it wis het, right enough. And this was in the dark times afore we hid wee portable fans and Calippos. We just hid tae mak dae wi’ fanning wirsels wi’ folded up pages o’ The Sunday Post.

And it’s true that we wiznae that fussed about the effects o’ heat in 1976. Mind you, we also wiznae fussed aboot smoking, asbestos or drink driving. In fact there’s a lot o’ reasons fit wye “it wis fine in the seventies” is nae the clincher it used tae be.

Locals enjoyed cooling off in the River Dee at Banchory as temperatures soared across Aberdeenshire (Photo: Wullie Marr/DC Thomson)

But, haein the mercury up in the high 20s is still toasty enough for yer average, pale blue Meiklewartian, ye ken. Files the sun beat doon mercilessly, and the still air taen on a distinctly sharny tang, I wiz sweating like a packet o’ ham that’s past it’s date.

Aye, working outdoors in yon heat wis affa. So, I jist skived off and hid indoors for twa days with ma heed in the fridge. Otherwise kent as “daein a Boris”.

J Fergus Lamont, arts critic

Whilst idling through my Freeview channels the other day in search of the simple profundity of Ketchup TV, I stumbled upon a channel previously unknown to me. You won’t have heard of it, for it has had little publicity, but BBC Parliament is a truly unsettling viewing experience.

Instead of the grizzled, muscle-bound Arnie, we find the latest model of the Terminator is a rumpled, smirking, man-child with a mop of unruly hair

I caught the tail end of what must be the latest entry in the Terminator series, in which an unstoppable robotic assassin, previously portrayed by Arnold Schwarzenegger, relentlessly pursued his own destructive interests, heedless of the chaos and devastation left in his wake.

Sadly, this once energetic franchise, previously packed with vim and brio, appears to be very much in decline. Instead of the expected expansive locations, car chases and explosions, this iteration featured a lot of pasty men in suits, crammed into what appeared to be the worlds’ most confrontational church service.

Instead of the grizzled, muscle-bound Arnie, we find the latest model of the Terminator is a rumpled, smirking, man-child with a mop of unruly hair – perhaps the weakest of Skynet’s attempts to create something that looked human.

He spoke the famous catchphrase – “Hasta la vista, baby!” – but, instead of this igniting a gun battle or a scene of automotive carnage, it simply caused a lot of other men in suits to stand up and applaud insincerely, as if this pound-shop Terminator had done something to deserve it, whilst all evidence pointed to the contrary.

I waited for the narrative catharsis of the inevitable final scene, when the simpering simulacrum would be lowered slowly into a vat of boiling lead but, frustratingly, it never came. I wept.

Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who packs a poncho

This week, Dandies has hut the ground gunning in the League Cup diddy-team group stage. They’ve seen off the mighty Peterhead, Dumbarton and Stirling Albumen, and just have to make sure they is not dancing in the streets of Raith this weekend to safely qualify for the next round.

Not bad going when you consider that other premier teams, like Hibs and St Mirren, are definitely out, with Livingston, St Johnstone and Killie also skating their jackets on a thin peg.

Jimi Goodwin has done a lot of business in the summer transfer windmill and has signed some good looking players. In fact, this might be the handsomest Aberdeen squad since Doug Rougvie had all his own teeth.

Spain’s Mariona Caldentey (left) and England’s Lucy Bronze battle for the ball (Photo: PA)

In the Women’s Euros there was drama when England took on Spain in the quarter finals and turned the match on a tuppence by winning in extra time. After easy wins against Australia, Norway and Northern Ireland, it was good to see what the Lionessesses was really made of. They dug deep and saved the day, so fair play to them.

I think it was the return of their coach what done it. It must have given the team such a boost to see the gaffer was back on the touchline after she had to miss the end of the group stage with the Codona’s Virus.

Back when I was a Don, we once played an away match at Morton without Fergie who was feeling under the feather with the flu. Archie Knox was in charge for the night and it did have an impact on the lads. I mean, we still had a grumphy, red-faced manny bawling all sorts at us but, apart from that, it just wasn’t the same.