The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs, written by Moray Barber, Andrew Brebner, Greg Gordon and John Hardie
The gifts are wrapped, the tatties are peeled, and Mariah Carey has racked up another million in royalties. So, throw a pile of overdue fuel bills on the fire while we ask some of our regular contributors for their thoughts and wishes this Christmas.
Jock Alexander of MTV (Meikle Wartle Television)
It’s been a intractable wik in the village. As you may ken, here in Meikle Wartle we dinna hae much truck wi’ new fangled notions like wifi, Bitcoin and organised religion, but we ken fine that this is the time o’ year fan folk fa celebrate Christmas are getting ready tae pit a mince pie oot for Sandy Gall (or fitever it is that they dae).
It’s meant tae be a time o’ celebration, love and peace, and goodwill tae ab’dy – but, fit’s happening? A richt auld stooshie. Ab’dy on strike and the government and trade unions at loggerheids and blaming each ither. It’s nae fine.
Apart fae the posties and the lecturers and the teachers and and the rail workers, noo we hiv ambulance workers and nurses gan on strike, the latter for the first time iver.
The government is being resolute and refusing tae negotiate in ony wye, as if the Royal College of Nurses wiz Isis. Weel, at’s one strategy, I suppose.
Indeed, a pig-heeded refusal tae tak part in ony form o’ talks his ayewiz gaan doon weel in ivery ither conflict throughout recorded history, his it? I suppose they think it maks them look “tough”, as opposed to “like they’ve nae idea fit they’re daen”.
Nae for the first time, we Meiklewartians feel relieved, syne we winna really be ower badly affected by widespread industrial action. That is the benefit o’ nae hae’n a skeewl, hospital, train station, or postal service.
Cheerio!
The Reverend Edmund Redmond, minister of Holburn North North East
Whamaggedon is a game played across the world. It involves trying to avoid hearing Last Christmas by Wham! in the run up to Christmas Day. Normally I’m knocked out early in December, but this year I managed to make it to the 17th before hearing George Michael’s dulcet tones, having foolishly turned on Radio 2 while on my way to drop off a poinsettia for a parishioner.
This year, alongside the normal flash of irritation at being eliminated, the song made me think. This will be the last Christmas that I will spend at Holburn North North East, the church being scheduled for closure as we consolidate our congregation into a new cluster.
No doubt it will, as usual, be filled to the rafters for the watchnight, with voices raised for the annual singing of hosannas. Then, they will be gone, leaving only the faint whiff of mince pie and mulled Ribena.
How many of them will turn up as usual next year and be surprised to find the church shut up, having been closed since August? How many of them will reflect on their role in that state of affairs?
From high in the bell tower, like a Doric Quasimodo, I shall look out over the rooftops of the city to wait and see.
Tim Bee, conscientious objector
My Christmas wish is simple – peace and goodwill to all. Although, when I say “all”, I obviously don’t mean anyone who supports the Aberdeen City Council masterplan.
Why, oh, why can’t the so-called “powers that be” put the city back exactly as it was when I was a child?
Everyone agrees that that was the best time for everything. Or, at least, if I say it continually over many hours, everyone stops disagreeing.
I haven’t read the revised plan, but it was rubbish before, it’ll be rubbish again. And that’s just how I like it. I mean, if our city improves, what on earth am I going to moan about next year?
Struan Metcalfe, Conservative MP for Aberdeenshire North & Surrounding Nether Regions
In a year that has brought us turmoil, heartache and Kwasi Kwarteng, my Christmas thoughts turn to the sudden arrival of duplicity, dubiety and deception, all here in little ole Scotland.
No, it’s not the internal machinations of the SNP – it’s the latest BBC smash TV hit, The Traitors! Absolute dynamite, and with a bit of heavily-fringed, erotically-scary Winkleman to boot. Woof!
Ron Cluny, official cooncil spokesman
As the spin doctor for a local authority, my Christmas wish is that all council activities next year can be carried out in the same manner as this week’s long-awaited reopening of Union Terrace Gardens – quietly, without fuss or fanfare, and under cover of darkness. It would certainly make my job a lot easier.
Tanya Souter, lifestyle guru
I da ken aboot youse, but for my Christmas wish, I wid like tae see a return tae good auld-fashioned values, like strength and kindness.
See, efter a few mulled ciders too many, me and my pal Big Sonja funcied a shottie on the Christmas Village helter skelter, and noo we is wedged halfwye doon it. So, I’m needing someb’dy tae come and get us oot, am I?
Preferably someb’dy hunky, wi’ a kind hairt, a strong back, and maybe some WD-40.
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