The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs, written by Andrew Brebner and Greg Gordon.
Ron Cluny, official council spokesman
Budget-setting week is always a tricky time for a local authority spin doctor, and this one has been particularly hard. Fifty million pounds of cuts are not found easily, and nothing gives you a worse case of writer’s block than trying to complete the sentence: “Closing libraries, gutting funding for the arts and tearing down the Beach Leisure Centre is a good idea because…”
Still, on days like this, it is always worth remembering that someone is having a worse time than you. And, this week, that person – once again – is Matt Hancock, whose WhatsApp messages have landed in the public domain.
Not because they’ve been stolen by the Russians or hacked by some brilliant computer geek, but because he handed them over to Isabel Oakeshott, the journalist who did all the grunt work of writing his self-justificatory Covid diaries while he carried on with the really important bits of his job as an MP – doodling in the margins of papers and eating witchetty grubs in the jungle.
From the leak, we have learned that Matt seems to have ignored scientific advice on how to keep the vulnerable safe, and thinks that the teachers who kept the education system going in the face of obvious risks to their health are work-shy layabouts. On the plus side, he had some catty things to say about Gavin Williamson, so it’s not all bad news.
Hancock has described the leak as a “betrayal” – a word he seems to think means “getting found out”. For further help with the correct definition, he might consult his wife.
The big question, though, is why on earth the former health secretary would ever employ Isabel Oakeshott as his ghost writer. I would love to have been a fly on the wall when that decision was made.
BREAKING: Here’s what I have to say in response to accusations of “betrayal” #thelockdownfiles @Telegraph 💥 pic.twitter.com/iGN67FECsP
— Isabel Oakeshott (@IsabelOakeshott) March 2, 2023
“Hi Matt. Isabel Oakeshott is interested in being your ghost writer. Every word of journalism she wrote during Covid was virulently against the lockdowns you instituted, she is the partner of one of your political opponents, and she breached the confidence of the last person she ghost-wrote for, by releasing all of his private emails into the public domain.
“Giving her access to all your WhatsApps would be like wrapping your head in antelope meat and then sticking it in a lion’s mouth. But she’s quite posh.”
“Gosh, she sounds perfect!”
Still, it is good to see him demonstrate the same level of competence in this as he did when giving out all those PPE contracts to his chums. And nice that, this time, it’s him paying the price, rather than us.
Tanya Souter, lifestyle correspondent
I da ken aboot youse, but I am quite sans gin about the cooncil spending cuts they’ve jist announced. Cos, luckily, a’ thin that’s gan tae end up decimated is stuff fit I dinna dae onywye.
Sport Aiberdeen has had their funds slashed, so fowk fa ging tae the gym regularly lose oot. But, as they are fit I wid cry “mintal”, I’m nae o’er fussed. They’ll jist hiv tae keep fit at hame, like fit I dae.
I get a’ my steps in fae fae jogging fae the sofa tae the fridge for anither Dairylea Dunker, and lift a’ the weight I need til howking the hoover oot the cupboard faniver my Jayden’s shaved the dog.
There’s a rise in school meal costs. Disnae affect me, cos I ken fine my kids get their lunch fae the ice cream van. Plus, it’s a very efficient, cashless system, seeing as they nick it.
Cooncil tax is up 5%, fit is bad news for fowk fit pey it, but nae hass tae those o’ us fa use wir reminder letters as roll-up papers.
It is a bittie shameful, though, that several city libraries is being “decommissioned”, cos ab’dy should hiv access tae books if they wint. Fit about folk that canna afford tae buy their ain, and dinna hae my advantages – kids fa never get caught choring fae Waterstones?
We jist hiv tae hope that it winna hae ony adverse impact on the general educational attainment o’ the city’s population. If they canna get access to books, fit can teach them foo tae spik and write proper, like fit they should. Ken?
But, of course, there is ayewiz losers fan savings need tae be made, and the council apparently has a massive black hole. I’m guessing it’s somewhere inside Marischal College far a’ the staff is meant tae be, cos naeb’dy niver answers fan ye ring them up, div they?
For me, the biggest scandal is them stopping the funding o’ Big Noise Torry. It’s a magic project fit gi’es a lot o’ underprivileged kiddies access tae music tuition. It teaches them confidence, teamwork and concentration, and his been haein a massive positive impact on the community. Plus, haein a’ the kids in Tullos screcking awa on a violin wid droon oot the noise fae the new incinerator.
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