The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs, written by Andrew Brebner and Simon Fogiel.
Kevin Cash, money-saving expert and King of the Grips
I see the cooncil has gi’en the go-ahead for a hale heap o’ new food vans tae ply their trade doon at the beach. This is a rare example o’ the people getting exactly fit they wint fae their local authority, like the new grass at Union Terrace Gardens and yon time I got a lift hame efter an all-nighter on the back o’ a scaffie lorry.
This decision will mak the donder up fae Codona’s a culinary cornucopia. Fit a selection is on the wye – pizza, Dutch fries, funcy cakes and Korean street food. The Inversnecky might nae be sae keen on the increased competition (though it will ayewis be my go-to joint for a vanilla slider) but the punters will be delighted, nae tae mention the seagulls.
There’s even gan tae be a crepe van. Which is great news if ye dinna wint tae trek all the wye tae the public lavvies at Fittie.
Onywye, I am looking forward tae slumping heavily onto a seaside bench files scoffing a Czech chimney cake, but in amongst a’ this exotic delights, here in the modren Aiberdeen, wir ain local cuisine is under threat o’ being crooded oot.
So I hiv ta’en it upon masel tae fill that gap in the market and, indeed, that gap atween the pink cake truck and the mannie selling pizzas fae oot o’ a Mercedes. I hiv pitched up in my ain van, and shall be offering my ain range o’ Aiberdonian Street Food – so called cos I generally pick it up aff the street.
Tae begin wi’, we’ll be specialising in wir ain special range o’ Wood-Smoked Bar-B-Q Butteries. Cos my pal Mick the Pill found a big pile o’ ower-fired eens in the bins ahind Aitkens on George Street.
The van is actually a modified portaloo, fit Mick has fitted wi’ wheels; a’ the better tae be towed fae a carpark in Altens at midnight. True, there’s nae muckle space, but I can fire rowies oot the door as soon as they ping oot the microwave.
My only concern is that, fit wi’ the “doon an’ dirty” nature o’ the food van business, I hinna quite got roon tae filling oot the application to be considered for the grunt o’ a licence for mine een. But nae has, I’m sure it’ll be fine. As lang as I keep poking my heed oot o’ the portaloo ivery five mintees tae check for the bobbies.
Jonathan M Lewis, local headteacher
As the curtain comes down on another academic year here at Garioch Academy, I find myself dealing with the usual amalgam of mixed emotions. There’s sadness, of course, as we bid farewell to the class of ’23, but there’s also the sense of satisfaction that comes with knowing that these young adults are about to go forward and make a enormous impact on the world. At least some of them in a positive way.
At the very least, we can be assured that our local hospitality industry, social workers and Police Scotland need not fear any drop off in demand.
This year sees the return of our annual prize-giving ceremony, which had been on hiatus during the Covid era. To mark the reintroduction of this prestigious event, the staff at Garioch felt a new prize should be inaugurated, so that our pupils could take some ownership of what is, after all, their day. I am therefore delighted to introduce the Garioch Academy Pupil’s Hero Award, nominated by the pupils themselves.
I’m sure S5 heart-throb Joseph Duguid will dine out on his feat of snogging the entire S6 netball team at the Christmas disco without any need for his smooching prowess to be formally venerated
I would be the first to admit that not all nominations for the award were entirely suitable. For instance, Gavin Turnbull’s record of being late for registration on 87 consecutive school days is, by any standard, a staggering achievement, but it’s not something I feel should be publicly lauded.
Similarly, I’m sure S5 heart-throb Joseph Duguid will dine out on his feat of snogging the entire S6 netball team at the Christmas disco without any need for his smooching prowess to be formally venerated.
I was beginning to despair, when, finally a nomination came in that both I and the pupils could get behind. So, as he departs Garioch Academy for pastures new, there can be no more fitting recipient of the Pupil’s Hero Award than the maths department’s effortlessly cool Mr McCormick, who will be sorely missed by all at the school. Take a bow, good man!
It is true to say that Mr McCormick will be irreplaceable. A pity, but that’s the teaching shortage for you.