Having failed spectacularly to secure Taylor Swift tickets for my tweenage Swiftie I know what it’s like to get into someone’s bad books.
In my defence, it’s not like I staged a military mutiny and pointed a fleet of tanks towards the Kremlin, although I’m sure that would have been easier.
If you recall, Wagner chief Yevgeny Prigozhin lost interest in his coup attempt somewhere between Rostov-on-Don and Moscow so I doubt he’d have had the attention span needed to secure tickets for The Eras Tour at Murrayfield.
Lottery to get in line
First there was a lottery to even be allowed in the online queue and then it was a case of watching a screen for hours and hours as an estimated 2.9 million fans competed for next summer’s Edinburgh dates.
But what else was the mercenary leader doing between June 24 when he turned his back on his troops and Wednesday night?
The last two months of Prigozhin’s life are puzzling; at one point he was standing in a chilly-looking field in ‘Africa’, at another he was sitting in a tent in his pants.
Wagner chief reportedly killed in plane crash
With no Russian invasion to keep him busy who is to say he wasn’t on Ticketmaster with credit card in hand, wondering what address to give for his merchandise gift package if it there were only VIP tickets left?
“Send it to Yevgeny Prigozhin Esq, c/o Belarus, no, make that Russia, no, on second thoughts Africa, yes, just Africa in general,” would have been his chat on the telephone helpline.
None of that matters now he’s reported killed in a plane crash along with his closest lieutenant Dmitry Utkin, security chief Valeriy Chekalov and other high-ranking Wagner members.
I jest, but in mitigation Prigozhin was as brutal as it gets, recruiting a band of the very worst criminals, sprung from Russian jails to fight in Ukraine.
Why Wagner top brass were on the same plane will likely never be known, along with every other aspect of this extraordinary tale.
If Wagner got into Vladimir Putin’s bad books, the Russian president is surely in theirs as prime suspect in Prigozhin’s demise.
Leaderless and without a cause, Wagner fighters bent on revenge must be on Putin’s list of things to worry about.
Keeping cool
Meanwhile Joe Biden was pretty chill as he responded to news of the crash while drinking a blueberry slushie, casually waving the straw about to emphasise his level of disinterest.
He’d been in the gym for an hour so perhaps he was more concerned that someone had remembered to record The Wonder Years off the telly for him.
Across the Pond, there was no place to hide for Donald Trump as he became the first US president to have a mugshot when he was booked at the Fulton County jail in Georgia.
Closer to home in Loch Ness, Nessie may have a perfect place to hide as subterranean cavern entrances were discovered by TikTok creator Paige Daley.
Nessie hunt, even at home
It comes as the biggest surface watch to find Nessie in more than 50 years takes place this weekend and people are invited to take part, even from home.
I suggest they also keep a look out for Nadine Dorries, who has been accused of “abandoning” her constituents while still claiming her MP’s salary.
In her Mid Bedfordshire constituency, mock “Missing” posters have been put up for the former culture secretary who said she would stand down in June but has yet to officially do so.
Labour leader Keir Starmer said she has been has been “absolutely absent” and urged the prime minister to “get a grip” and force her to go.
Dorries says she is putting off leaving the Commons until she finds out what happened to her peerage.
You couldn’t make it up, which is also what readers said about the contradictory 20mph signs in the Highlands which have left drivers frustrated and confused.
Tricia Morrice commented: “One side of Clephanton you enter at 20mph sign the other 30mph no idea what I should actually be doing.”
Luckily, I know what I should be doing – getting back on to Ticketmaster and snapping up tickets for Rick Astley in Glasgow in February.
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