The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs, written by Andrew Brebner and Greg Gordon.
Tanya Souter, Lifestyle Guru
I da ken aboot youse but I wiz shocked tae hear aboot the Government’s new smoking ban, fit says that naeb’dy born efter 2009 will iver be allowed tae buy fags.
At’s richt – the Government’s actually managed something fit’ll dae folk some good! Mintil, is it?
OK, nae ab’dy is happy aboot it. The usual suspects lik Boris and his cronies is complaining, saying it’s an unasseptable restriction on the civil liberties o’ the folk fa are currently wee kiddies, but will one day be mannies and wifies.
Some folk, like my Beyoncé Shanice, are unhappy because even though they are only 15 they are a’ready addicted tae nicotine and insist that Lambert and Butlers make them look sophisticated and they canna move on tae vapes ‘cos the moisture maks their hair ging frizzy.
And ither folk, such as mysel, are nae happy that my Jayden is wrecking a’ my eyeliner pencils by using them tae practice drawing on a wee beard and moustache tae mak himself look aul’er.
It’s weird, is it? This is an example o’ the Nanny State, fit Conservatives are meant tae be against. Except Jacob Rees-Mogg, o’ course. Him haein a nanny is the reason he’s in ‘at state tae being wi’.
But eence folk are adults, should the Government get involved in preventing them fae daein hermful things tae theirsels, if ‘at’s fit they wint tae dae? Efter a’, booze is pretty hermful and a ’and naeb’dys spikkin aboot banning ’at. Thank god!
Look fit happened fan they did try tae ban it in America wi’ Prohibition in the 1920’s – it wiz a ’gangsters and speakeasies and bootleg hooch. Course that wiz ages ago. Ye dinna get hooch noo. I ken cos I ayewis look for it in the Spar as a bittie o’ nostalgia, tae tak me back tae my teenage alcopop days fan me and Big Sonja used tae ging tae Bonkers on a Friday.
Big Sonja, for one, is affa pleased tae see the sale o’ cigarettes being banned. She wis saying it’s a weel kent fact that banning something jist forces it underground. Fit suits Sonja fine since she’s got a basement flat in Woodside full o’ duty free Rothmans. Jist chap on the door and tell her Tanya sent ye!
Ron Cluny, Official Council Spokesman
As spin-doctor for a local authority, I have often found myself having to defend some controversial decisions in my time. Bus gates, various budgetary priorities, Len Ironside’s hairdo.
All questionable at best and at times, indefensible. But never, ever, have I had to act in the interests of someone with the heady mix of self-regard, delusion and frank barminess as Liz Truss. Having a tough week? Imagine you’re Liz Truss’s publicist. Doesn’t seem so bad now does it?
The leader who brought the country to the brink of financial collapse with a budget so crazy you’d have thought it came to her during a Gorgonzola-fuelled fever dream has now returned with a book. Not just any book. A messianical book. That’s right, the person whose premiership could not outlive the shelf-life of a salad vegetable and who lacked the skills of persuasion necessary to get Ocado to deliver her groceries to her or the organisational abilities to procure for herself a packet of Lockets now presents herself as the saviour of a way of life.
If the way of life in question is “hirpling incompetently from one catastrophe to the next” then I would agree that she is a leading contender.
But no: in “10 Years to Save the West” she lambasts the liberal elite, stokes up the culture war, bashes the greens and backs Donald Trump. Poor Donald. As if he didn’t have troubles enough.
Most shocking of all, she whinges about having to do her own makeup and implies that she caught fleas off of a member of the Johnson household.
Most people have interpreted this as a sleekit dig at the Johnson’s dog, Dylan, but I’m not so sure.
Even Liz Truss is not stupid enough to try to curry favour with the animal-loving British public by throwing shade at a dog.
And I think we all know that Johnson’s Barnet is capable of supporting a thriving eco-system. Which is more than the world will be able to do, if Truss or any of her cronies return to power.
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