The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs, written by Andrew Brebner and Simon Fogiel.
View From The Midden with rural affairs correspondent Jock Alexander
It’s been a precipitate wik in the village. Ab’dy here’s noo winting rain cos we’ve hid ower much sun for the last few days.
Rain can be an affa problem, though, as ye’ll hiv seen if ye watched the Paris Olympics Opening Ceremony wi a’ the peer duncers slipping an’ sliding aboot.
It wiz quite the spectacle, wiz it? The sicht o’ a naked blue mannie wi’ a ginger beard squatting on top o’ a fruit salad did raise a few eyebrows.
Mind you, it wisnae ony worse than fit we’ve a’ seen fan Feel Moira gets o’er excited at the Women’s Guild buffet.
Thanks tae the rain the ceremony wiz a bit o’ a wash-oot, but fit d’ye expect fan ye haud yer event ootside in the middle o’ summer?
Ivery organiser o’ a village fair , or onyb’dy fa’s iver planned a barbecue in Aiberdeenshire could hae telt them ‘at.
Still, Paris is lucky haein a big river gaan through the middle o’ it like ‘at.
Onyb’dy fa ends up stotting intae the Burn o’ Wartte is nae gan tae find enough watter tae get weet by at the moment.
Thanks tae the het weather it’s as dry as a Wee Free wedding. Ye’d jist end up wi’ a moo full o’ earth.
Though as my auld grunny used tae say, “ye’ve tae eat a pick o’ dirt afore ye dee”. An age-old piece o’ folk wisdom fit she unfortunately took literally as culinary instruction.
She used tae bake mud as a special treat and my granda wiz aye getting his stomach pumped.
But river, burn or dust-bowl we must protect oor enviroment – so I wish fair tricket tae see there’s a Scottish peat bog getting World Heritage status.
The ‘Flow Country’ up in Caithness and Sutherland is noo recognised as a place o’ ootstanding scientific significance.
It is fit’s kent as a ‘wetland ecosystem’ and stretches ower 1000 miles. Fit means there’s a helluva lot o’ Affa Boggy Fields up there.
Good for them but fit wye should Caithness and Sutherland get a’the acclaim, environmental defence against climate change, and indeed economic benefits?
If it’s weet land ye wint then maist o’ the year my grun is that weet ye can ging up tae yer knees on a soggy day.
Plenty visitors hiv cried oot that they canna believe a place lik ‘is even exists! Files we’re throwing them a tow tae pull them oot wi’.
So it’s time tae mak wir ain pitch for World Heritage status. Though we winna pitch it on wir fields as it’ll sink. As did that tents for wir ultimately abandoned music festival – ‘Livestock’.
Though it might hiv been a mistake tae have entrusted the task tae Moira, fa had seen the headlines aboot a Scottish bog setting World Heritage Status, and has noo somewhat predictably written to UNESCO to demand they come roond and tak a gander at her ootside lavvy.
Cheerio!
Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who’s medalling in things he doesn’t understand.
Ever since the “Greatest Show on Earth” kicked off over in Paris, Old Kenny has been hoovering up the Olympic coverage like there’s no tomorrow.
There’s nothing better than becoming an armchair expert on diddy sports like Judo, Synchronised Diving and Women’s football.
I’m a big fan of the race where people swim, bike and run – the trianglethon.
There was talk of it becoming a two-legged affair because there was too much pollution in the river.
Eventually, it went ahead as planned, but it was far from ideal.
No-one taking part in any sport at the highest level should have to do it whilst having to dodge toldies. Which, funkily enough, is exactly what I said after that incident at Forres Mechanics in 1993.
I watched all the posh folk riding their cuddies out at the Palace of Versatility as well.
I couldn’t help wondering if the horses get medals as well as the riders, though, seeing as they seem to be doing all the actual jumping?
Maybe they get a Golden Delicious apple, some silverbeet, or a bronze beauty lettuce?
Despite all the joy, my Olympic viewing was tingled with sadness on Thursday night when Andy Murray got bounced out of the tennis.
Before it started he’s turned around and announced that this would be his last completion.
Which means he’s dropped his last volley, forced his last tie-break and he’ll never get no more new balls.
Murray has been ionic throughout his career, and he gets my respect because he’s done it all without a smile on his face!
Enjoy your well deserved retirement, Andy – don’t have too much fun!
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