The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs, written by Andrew Brebner and Simon Fogiel.
Ron Cluny, Official Council Spokesman
As a spin doctor for the local authority, I am delighted to be the bearer of good news for a change, as we announce our plans to sell off all the granite salvaged from demolished buildings.
Aberdeen City Council will, going forward, have a very handy new revenue stream from this sale of building materials, one which we can expect to be available for some time to come, synergistic as it is with our policy of continually knocking down historical buildings.
It is marvellous to see the continuing legacy of the stuff our city is famous for, hewn as it was back in the good old days when Rubislaw Quarry was Europe’s biggest man-made hole. As opposed to now, when we have moaners applying that moniker to the city centre.
We have had many inquiries about the storage and sale of these materials, and are all too aware of the potential for criticism.
The whiff of corruption has hung aboot some previous granite-related goings on, and we are eager to ensure that these deals carry no “reputational risk” to the council.
Happily, we can guarantee that will not be an issue, as the Local Authority no longer has any reputation to risk.
With some deals expected to top £10.000, this is all excellent news for cash-strapped city coffers and gives us a vital extra source of income instead of having to rely on LEZ fines and continually shifting the bus gates.
And apart from all that, it’s also a blessed relief, as we have loads of the stuff cluttering up the place and taking up far too much room.
Council storage space is finite but at last, we can allow our facilities to be used for other things.
I understand that some of my colleagues have been selflessly storing unwanted granite features in their own gardens for years, and they will be relieved to know that their patios will soon be free of the inconvenience of ornamental masonry.
Though I hope no one minds if I keep hold of the piece of the lintel from the Rubber Shop which has pride of place in my backie. It has great sentimental value, and I need it to keep the lid shut on my wheelie bin.
Conversation