It’s half-past five on a Sunday morning as I type these words… and I’m angry.
Because I should still be in my golden slumbers for my last lie-in of the weekend, instead I’m wide awake courtesy of the nuisance neighbours I am forced to share my building with.
The noise they are making is unbearable, without any let-up, and it started about half an hour ago. And I swear they are playing five-a-side football with rocks up there.
What’s that you say? Call in the authorities? Get a restraining order? Demand their eviction? Unfortunately, none of that would work because these raucous rabble-rousers are untouchable. They are protected by law.
Just because they are gulls.
And I’m not the only one who has to suffer the blight of noise, nuisance and mess from this flying pestilence.
North-east seagulls are a nuisance
There isn’t a community in the north-east – and further afield – that isn’t invaded by hordes of the things, screeching, dive-bombing, and spraying all available surfaces with stinking ordure.
There are too many places where people live work and play that are more like a seaside cliff, caked in guano – which is where the damn things should be.
I still can’t understand why gulls are a protected species. I mean, it’s not like there’s any shortage of them, is there?
There’s plenty around when you try to sit down to eat your toastie and chips somewhere outside. It’s like ringing a dinner gong for avian attackers.
And there are more than a few folk nursing injuries caused by direct strikes from the swooping marauders. The things are dangerous, so why are they tolerated?
At this precise moment – 20 minutes since I started typing and I can barely hear myself think – I would very much like to take to the roof with a lightsabre and sort things out. But I never would. You need to be humane in your approach to all living creatures.
So how about making sure they don’t get that far by dealing with the nests before the eggs are in situ? Because you can’t. Rules, yeah?
It was only recently I discovered it takes a special licence from the authorities to remove nests, as opposed to some entrepreneurial spirit, a ladder and a broom.
And NatureScot has more rules and restrictions around nest removal than it takes to launch a nuclear missile because gulls are, you know, protected.
Which brings me back to my question. Why? Surely to bring nature back into balance we should be making life for urban gulls as hard as possible to encourage them back to where they should be – the clue being in the name, seagulls.
A golden rule of the eco creed is the need to be respectful when humans enter the areas that other species see as home. That needs to cut both ways. Gulls are on our turf. It’s time to turf them out.
Scott Begbie is a journalist and editor, as well as PR and comms manager for Aberdeen Inspired
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