Iain Maciver: Buckie’s own Calum Jones takes The Voice by storm

Look out for the guy Calum Jones who was on the Saturday night talent show The Voice.

I’m not the only one who reckons the balach from Buckie will do well. He got a two-chair turn from Tom and Danny from McFly and from the legend that is LeAnn Rimes.

Actually, Calum was the best on the show. That raspy rocker voice is going to get him to places other than Gellions Bar, Hootananny and other places in Inverness, where he has been a regular crooner.

That’s quite a trek for Calum coming to Inversneggie each weekend for each gig from the Bucach town. That’s nearly 60 miles one-way, like going from Stornoway to Leverburgh.

I did that A96 last year when I got the early ferry from Stornoway to Ullapool and then drove to Inverness and Buckie. I could not get back to Ullapool in time but a delay on the Uig on Skye to Tarbert on the Harris ferry meant I was able to catch that one for the return. Boy, was I pewchled and sore when I finally got home that night.

Apparently, long-distance trucker’s bottom is recognised as a condition by some medical practitioners, even if not officially accepted as such at government level.

Military presence in skies above northern Scotland

Meanwhile, long-distance flying by military aircraft from all NATO countries is happening now. On an online app, I’m watching military hardware scuttling around the skies all over the north. Apache helicopters with scary callsigns like Gunship 1 are chasing each other as Vladimir Putin makes threatening noises over possible decisions to let Ukraine fire missiles deep into Russia.

You can see some war machines online but other jets and choppers are invisible, although you know they are there because they roar over your house.

It’s a bit scary but, of course, it’s just macho sabre-rattling. Why can’t these guys just get round a negotiating table, or on a video call, and sort it out?

Now, you sort this one out. Why does the Norwegian military have barcodes on its ships? So when they return to port, the cool technician dudes can scan da navy in. Just read that aloud again, but quicker.

Does Stornoway really have the fewest pubs in the country?

I’ve been scanning too. I’ve been scanning the town of Stornoway to see if it’s true that it has fewer pubs than anywhere in the country. That is the daft claim of City AM, a London-based freebie newspaper which has announced that the Square Mile business area, otherwise known as the City of London, is the place where it’s easiest to get a pint.

It then makes a cardinal error by not checking its facts.

It ridiculously declares: “But if you find yourself in Na h-Eileanan Siar, a remote Scottish town in the Outer Hebrides, don’t get your hopes up. The area has just 0.04 pubs per 1,000 hectares, making it the hardest place in the UK to get a pint.”

Firstly, Na h-Eileanan Siar is not even a remote Scottish town in the Outer Hebrides. It is the Outer Hebrides – an island chain stretching 150 miles. These numpties are comparing the availability of a bevvy in one square mile to many islands to an entire Scottish region. Talk about silly Sassenachs.

Why didn’t City AM compare, for example, streets? Say Point Street in Stornoway, where pints are available at the Crown, Blake’s, The Star (back door is on Point Street) and the Criterion Bar. If you take the entire strip, including the Lewis Bar across Castle Street, and Francis Street, you can then add McNeil’s Bar, An Lanntair licensed art gallery and the County Hotel. Eight alehouses in a few hundred yards.

Up the hill, La Balena Restaurant will also serve you a pint the size of a small whale if you order a meal. I doubt there is a single street in the City that can beat that stretch on the choice of quality ales.

By comparing chalk and cheese, City AM has just shown its complete lack of knowledge of what it’s writing about. I have quaffed a quart or two in the City. Its stale ale, warm and overpriced, is yucky.

Speaking of macho sabre-rattling, I was enjoying a pint in McNeil’s the other day when I noticed two guys who had just met standing next to me. One was going on about his new wife and he was clearly very proud of her. That’s nice. Next thing he pulled out a photo of the lady and started showing us all. He asked his mate: “Isn’t she just beautiful?” The other fellow sniffily said: “Listen, mate. If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my wife.”

The first cove replied: “Really? Is your wife a stunner as well?” The second guy said: “Nah. She’s an optician.”

Iain Maciver is a former broadcaster and news reporter from the Outer Hebrides