Kevin Cash, money-saving expert and king of the grips:
Christmas is the time fan we should learn the true value o’ things, and this year I followed that philosophy tae the letter, presenting my femly wi’ the kind o’ unique, hairtwarming gifts that money just can’t buy; or at least didn’t.
For ma wee niece, I taen heed o’ the news story fae last wik aboot the mither fa bocht her quine an advent calendar wi’oot realising that it wis een designed especially for cats. The green treats within were nae aipple but catnip flavour. Noo my niece is fower and affa fond of cats.
In fact, she is currently in a phase of wintin’ tae be een, but she also likes chocolate. So, I made my ain version of this calendar that ticks baith boxes. Luckily, I found an auld packet o’ Revels at the back of my cupboard fae sae lang ago it still hid coconut eens in it.
They actually hiv gone green, so I’ve created a ‘Cat Advent Calendar for Humans’ – it looks like catnip but it tastes like chocolate. Weel, nearly. As long as ye hud yer nose fan ye swallow it. My wee niece’s eyes lit up fan she opened it. And then wattered fan she ate it. You wouldnae get that kind o’ reaction wi’ a poosie the Unicorn.
At the ither end o’ the scale age-wise, I also daen my bit to ensure a healthy festive season for my Grunny and Granda. I seen in the news aboot scientists at Aiberdeen Uni reporting positive developments in using supercharged vitamins found in sprouts tae treat Alzheimers. Noo, luckily I hid several sackfuls of sprouts available – my mate Mike the Pill acquired them fan they ‘got lost’ en route tae Iceland on the AWPR.
Weel, I could hae telt ‘em, it’s a great road, but it only gings as far as Tipperty. Simply by dipping the sprouts in gravy, allowing them to cool and congeal and then disguising them in used Fererro Rocher wrappers I have created my ain range o’ healthy, affordable faux-chocolate treats for all my elderly relations. I’d hoped they’d quote the advert and say, ‘Oh, Kevin, wi’ these special sweeties, you’re really spoiling us’ but they went one better – and telt me I wiz spoiling the hale of Christmas!
While, of course, it is better to give than to receive, (especially in this case), in return for my thoughtfulness and generosity, Santa wiz affa good tae me an a’.
Noo, I bide in my Auntie Jean’s ex-council flat in Kincorth (may god rest her soul, and may her council tax exemption forever apply), so I da hae a chimney, but nonetheless I awoke on Christmas morning to find that jolly old St Nick had been in the night and brung me new socks, some posh toiletries and, best of a’, gift receipts. So I’m fair looking forward tae wearing the socks for a week or twa, using all my smelly stuff and then reattaching the labels and filling the bottlies back up wi’ watter so’s I can cash them in for the refund. That’s the value!
Ron Cluny, official council spokesman
I hope that Sunty was good to you. He brought me 90% of the Western Peripheral Route, which might sound like a funny gift, but after 10 years of asking, I was pleased to see any of it at all.
He also – indirectly – brought me one of the most toe-curlingly embarrassing video clips of the year – and as this is the year that Theresa May decided to break out The Robot, that’s saying something – when Donald Trump interviewed a 7-year-old girl on whether she believed in him. (Sunty, that is. No sensible 7 year old believes in The Donald.) It was ironic to see a man who lies so consistently failing to tell the harmless fib which parents manage to sustain for years on end. As he flapped and flailed over this simple task I thought to myself, ‘This is the man that we want at the world’s table, avoiding cultural misunderstanding and incrementally advancing the free world’s sphere of influence’. Then I laughed hollowly, necked a bottle of mint Bailey’s and had another sprout.
Mind you, Kevin Spacey made a late bid for most disturbing video of the year when he issued a passive aggressive rebuttal of sexual abuse allegations – apparently while in character as arch liar and multiple murderer Frank Underwood from House of Cards. As decisions go, I think that one rates right up there with Lord Cardigan’s idea of taking the Light Brigade out for a wee canter to look at the other side’s nice shiny guns. I rather fear that Kevin has lost touch with reality. Having already been retrospectively replaced in one movie, I can’t see any further acting work coming his way in the near future and his prospects of getting anything else seem poor. I mean, what other jobs are available for ridiculous, bellicose Americans who have entirely lost touch with reality?