Calendar An icon of a desk calendar. Cancel An icon of a circle with a diagonal line across. Caret An icon of a block arrow pointing to the right. Email An icon of a paper envelope. Facebook An icon of the Facebook "f" mark. Google An icon of the Google "G" mark. Linked In An icon of the Linked In "in" mark. Logout An icon representing logout. Profile An icon that resembles human head and shoulders. Telephone An icon of a traditional telephone receiver. Tick An icon of a tick mark. Is Public An icon of a human eye and eyelashes. Is Not Public An icon of a human eye and eyelashes with a diagonal line through it. Pause Icon A two-lined pause icon for stopping interactions. Quote Mark A opening quote mark. Quote Mark A closing quote mark. Arrow An icon of an arrow. Folder An icon of a paper folder. Breaking An icon of an exclamation mark on a circular background. Camera An icon of a digital camera. Caret An icon of a caret arrow. Clock An icon of a clock face. Close An icon of the an X shape. Close Icon An icon used to represent where to interact to collapse or dismiss a component Comment An icon of a speech bubble. Comments An icon of a speech bubble, denoting user comments. Comments An icon of a speech bubble, denoting user comments. Ellipsis An icon of 3 horizontal dots. Envelope An icon of a paper envelope. Facebook An icon of a facebook f logo. Camera An icon of a digital camera. Home An icon of a house. Instagram An icon of the Instagram logo. LinkedIn An icon of the LinkedIn logo. Magnifying Glass An icon of a magnifying glass. Search Icon A magnifying glass icon that is used to represent the function of searching. Menu An icon of 3 horizontal lines. Hamburger Menu Icon An icon used to represent a collapsed menu. Next An icon of an arrow pointing to the right. Notice An explanation mark centred inside a circle. Previous An icon of an arrow pointing to the left. Rating An icon of a star. Tag An icon of a tag. Twitter An icon of the Twitter logo. Video Camera An icon of a video camera shape. Speech Bubble Icon A icon displaying a speech bubble WhatsApp An icon of the WhatsApp logo. Information An icon of an information logo. Plus A mathematical 'plus' symbol. Duration An icon indicating Time. Success Tick An icon of a green tick. Success Tick Timeout An icon of a greyed out success tick. Loading Spinner An icon of a loading spinner. Facebook Messenger An icon of the facebook messenger app logo. Facebook An icon of a facebook f logo. Facebook Messenger An icon of the Twitter app logo. LinkedIn An icon of the LinkedIn logo. WhatsApp Messenger An icon of the Whatsapp messenger app logo. Email An icon of an mail envelope. Copy link A decentered black square over a white square.

January blues: You can never truly know what’s going on behind closed doors

Post Thumbnail

“How old are you?” the woman barks at us.

“Er, 18 – no 20,” my cousin-in-law blurts out in a panic, even though the sign clearly states that only those under 16 must be accompanied by a parent or guardian.

The technician eyes her suspiciously. Luckily she’s with me and I look plenty old enough.

We are waiting to get our ears pieced, in my case the cartilage of my right ear.

“How old are you?”

The question comes again, directed at me this time.

“Umm, 34,” I admit quietly. A girl sniggers.

Lindsay Razaq.

Midlife crisis for one?

I go through with it anyway, and am pleased with the result, although in hindsight, it wasn’t one of my best ideas as my toddler Maya keeps grabbing the stud. Ouch.

I’ve also been wondering why I decided to get it done, hoping to make sense of my uncharacteristic impetuosity.

Never a rebel and routinely cautious, this was a very un-Lindsay move.

Obviously it was fun going along with Mr R’s cousin, a decade-and-a-half my junior (she is in fact 20 and wasn’t lying).

But – on a more serious note – I always feel low this time of year and often find myself overcompensating.

I’ve never been diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), don’t think I have it and wouldn’t presume to speak for anyone who does.

Yet, usually optimistic, I invariably suffer with what I’ll call the January Blues. I find these early months – the bleak mid-winter – hard.

I suspect it’s a combination of the festivities shared with nearest and dearest being over, the short days and cold weather.

This year there’s the additional factor of a family bereavement. Mr R’s grandma passed away in the run-up to the holidays.

He says it feels like a “changing of the guard” and I recall experiencing this revelation when my last grandparent died.

Our parents are now the final line of defence and we in turn have moved up a rung on life’s ladder, which takes some getting your head around.

Moreover, I’ve given up the day job and gone freelance to look after my daughter.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m delighted to have the opportunity to do so and certain I made the right choice.

But nonetheless it’s a daunting prospect having been defined so much by my career as an adult.

And during my maternity leave, I periodically struggled to maintain a sense of self, so there’s some anxiety about falling into the same trap again.

From talking to friends, I can tell I’m not alone and there are plainly others far worse off.

The NHS estimates that one in 15 people in the UK is affected by SAD – also known as winter depression – between September and April.

Symptoms include a persistent low mood, feelings of guilt, craving carbohydrates, sleeping for longer than normal and finding it harder to get up in the morning.

While not completely understood, it’s often linked to reduced exposure to sunlight during the shorter days which may lead to lower levels of serotonin, the hormone that affects mood, or higher levels of melatonin which makes you feel sleepy.

Additionally, lower light levels can disrupt the body’s internal clock and in some cases the problem can be genetic with SAD running in families.

According to charity the Mental Health Foundation, in some extreme cases, SAD is so disabling it requires continuous treatment throughout winter, while others may experience a milder form called sub-syndromal SAD.

Previously, I’ve rallied against my annual dip by throwing myself into work.

This year is obviously different, although I doubt I’ll have any problem keeping busy running after a 14-month-old.

But work comes with colleagues, whereas being a mum can be very lonely, so I’ll need to double down.

The NHS advice is to get as much natural sunlight as possible, do regular exercise and manage stress levels.

With that in mind, my plan is to get up and out early, walk everywhere I can and aim to fit in one good activity for Maya each day.

I’ve also picked my Urdu lessons and choir back up so as to dedicate some of my week solely to me.

But most importantly, I’m resolved not to be too hard on myself.

One of the things I find most frustrating about feeling blue is the acute awareness of how lucky I am.

There are so many people in desperate situations that I feel a fraud for even raising any of this.

But just because someone is unhappier than you, doesn’t mean you can’t be sad too.

No-one has a monopoly on emotion and often those of whom you would least expect it can be the hardest hit.

People are accomplished at putting on a brave face, but you can never truly know what’s going on behind closed doors.

I try to remember this day to day when I’m marching along with the pushchair.

Hardly anybody seems to say hello to each other in the street these days or have a chat at the bus stop.

And it’s a shame because a few words, a simple exchange with another human being, can – as I realised when on maternity leave – be just enough to get through a tough day.

My maternal grandma Netta Thom, a proud Aberdonian, was nicknamed Mrs Hello because she was forever speaking to passersby (whether she knew them or not).

I’m trying to take a leaf out of her book, trying to be a “rainbow in someone’s cloud”, as writer and activist Maya Angelou put it.

Yes, sometimes people scurry past, but most are pleasantly surprised.

It’s not a bad way to approach life.

There are lots of clouds around, especially this time of year. We could do with some more rainbows.


Lindsay Razaq is a journalist who most recently worked as the P&J’s Westminster political correspondent and now combines freelance writing with being a first-time mum