Yesterday the nation woke up, scratched its head and said: “Fit the hell…?” Today we share the results of our own, in-depth exit poll from some of the constituencies of the north-east.
Jimmy Hollywood, Sandilands’ most eligible bachelor (Aberdeen North)
Ken is? Nooadays it’s getting mair and mair difficult tae find places for meeting yer next potential love interest.
Libraries wis good – ye could meet the a reflective and intellectual type of quine, usually pretty desperate, so nae too tricky tae strike up a conversation next tae the David Baldaccis. Or public wimming baths, perfect for meeting fitties fa hiv hit 40 and decided tae train for their first triathlon oot at Knockburn Loch.
Agreeing tae jine in a 10k fun run may secure ye mair than a medal and a free T-shirt, ken fit I mean? But thanks tae austerity, facilities like ’ese is becoming scarce.
So thank God for polling stations – I can report that I hiv secured a date wi’ a dame waving a saltire flag and shouting something aboot indyref2. Fair amount of passion there, which Jimmy hopes tae benefit fae fan the results start coming in. Only downside is I hid tae vote SNP – but in these dark times we all hiv oor reasons.
Struan Metcalfe, MP (Con. Aberdeenshire North and Surrounding Nether Regions)
Well, that’s it. The vote is cast and I am all done once again for this latest election. You know what, my fine fellows? I have a bit of electoral fatigue and I don’t mind telling you, this one has taken its toll. Taken its toll.
There has been much talk of tactical voting in this election and, along with many of my colleagues, I have gone about my campaigning in a very tactical way. By trying my bally damnedest to lose.
Having to justify Johnson’s antics – it’s exhausting! I’m not doing that for another five years! I need to get back into local politics, far less work. So I voted for the other chap!
Tanya Souter, lifestyle correspondent (Aberdeen North)
I da ken aboot youse, but I am a typical nae-workin’ single mither and hiv nae hid nae time for the crooks and swindlers fit a’ the polistical perties seem tae consist o’ these days.
In fact, in every previous general election I can think o’, I hiv been a pathetic. But in this een, I hiv turned aroon an deen something fit I hiv nivver previously daen, I voted. Airm in airm wi’ my fellow previously pathetic non-voter – Big Sonya – for the very first time we went tae the polls.
At’s richt, the time hid come! We wis baith stirred tae action by the very noblest o’ reasons and the very highest o’ stakes – ab’dy that votes gets a free pint at Brewdog! Fa did we vote for? I da ken, I sent my youngest, Beyoncé-Shanice, in on my behalf files I took a selfie o’ ma voting card and legged it doon tae the Castlegate.
Jock Alexander, Meikle Wartle TV host (Gordon)
It’s the time o’ year fan those fa believe in magic look up tae the sky and put their trust in a big fat jolly mannie on a mind-boggling journey trying to deliver the impossible.
But I dinna believe in Boris masel’. And Corbyn’s a vegetarian, so I could not bring masel tae vote for a dangerous extremist like yon. If the Green Party hid been standing here I might have gone for them, as I’m maist keen tae prevent the imminent climate catastrophe, the climate being catastrophic enough roond here tae begin wi’. So I wis left wi’ a bit o’ a dilemma. I decided tae express my dissatisfaction wi’ the current political scene by making a protest vote.
This wiz simply achieved by nae washing the dubs aff afore I went intae the polling booth, nae using a pencil tae leave a particularly angry mark on my ballot paper, and then vigorously shaking the hands o’ the candidates o’ a’ perties fa were hinging aboot the door as I left.
It may not have achieved much democratically spikken, but by God, it fair pit a smile on my face.
Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit whose vote is worth the same as yours (Aberdeen South)
Old Kenny is not the most politicularly minded of people, but I do think it’s important to mark your eggs on the ballet paper on elocution day. That’s why I decided to make a video of me exercising my demographic rights to try and increase voter turnout among the disaffected retired footballer community.
Just as Old Kenny was sticking my mark in the box (I went “middle for diddle”, whichever one that was) I pulled out my phone to start recording. Well, the boy with the clipboard wasn’t having none of it. So I ended up with a selfie of me voting, a panoramic shot of him grabbing my shoulder, then a video of me kneeing him square in the chuckies.
So, it’s remember, remember the 12th of December for Old Kenny. That’s the day I got lifted for breaching Section 66 of the Representation of the People Act 1983. Mental.