Calendar An icon of a desk calendar. Cancel An icon of a circle with a diagonal line across. Caret An icon of a block arrow pointing to the right. Email An icon of a paper envelope. Facebook An icon of the Facebook "f" mark. Google An icon of the Google "G" mark. Linked In An icon of the Linked In "in" mark. Logout An icon representing logout. Profile An icon that resembles human head and shoulders. Telephone An icon of a traditional telephone receiver. Tick An icon of a tick mark. Is Public An icon of a human eye and eyelashes. Is Not Public An icon of a human eye and eyelashes with a diagonal line through it. Pause Icon A two-lined pause icon for stopping interactions. Quote Mark A opening quote mark. Quote Mark A closing quote mark. Arrow An icon of an arrow. Folder An icon of a paper folder. Breaking An icon of an exclamation mark on a circular background. Camera An icon of a digital camera. Caret An icon of a caret arrow. Clock An icon of a clock face. Close An icon of the an X shape. Close Icon An icon used to represent where to interact to collapse or dismiss a component Comment An icon of a speech bubble. Comments An icon of a speech bubble, denoting user comments. Comments An icon of a speech bubble, denoting user comments. Ellipsis An icon of 3 horizontal dots. Envelope An icon of a paper envelope. Facebook An icon of a facebook f logo. Camera An icon of a digital camera. Home An icon of a house. Instagram An icon of the Instagram logo. LinkedIn An icon of the LinkedIn logo. Magnifying Glass An icon of a magnifying glass. Search Icon A magnifying glass icon that is used to represent the function of searching. Menu An icon of 3 horizontal lines. Hamburger Menu Icon An icon used to represent a collapsed menu. Next An icon of an arrow pointing to the right. Notice An explanation mark centred inside a circle. Previous An icon of an arrow pointing to the left. Rating An icon of a star. Tag An icon of a tag. Twitter An icon of the Twitter logo. Video Camera An icon of a video camera shape. Speech Bubble Icon A icon displaying a speech bubble WhatsApp An icon of the WhatsApp logo. Information An icon of an information logo. Plus A mathematical 'plus' symbol. Duration An icon indicating Time. Success Tick An icon of a green tick. Success Tick Timeout An icon of a greyed out success tick. Loading Spinner An icon of a loading spinner. Facebook Messenger An icon of the facebook messenger app logo. Facebook An icon of a facebook f logo. Facebook Messenger An icon of the Twitter app logo. LinkedIn An icon of the LinkedIn logo. WhatsApp Messenger An icon of the Whatsapp messenger app logo. Email An icon of an mail envelope. Copy link A decentered black square over a white square.

The Flying Pigs: Stop virus spreading wi’ common sense approach – dinna be manky, use a hanky!

Post Thumbnail

It’s been a communicable wik in the village. We’ve been seeing an affa lot o’ frenzied reporting aboot yon coronavirus, fit is a’ o’er the press like a dose o’ something infectious, which is fit it is, so fair play, I suppose.

Here in Meikle Wartle, we’ve a’ready hid tae edumacate Feel Moira on her error efter she chucked a’ that bottlies o’ a popular Mexican lager intae the burn.

I fished maist o’ them oot again and can confirm that they are perfectly safe tae drink. Assuming, o’ course, that Moira disnae fin’ oot that I’ve hid them!

However, there’s a lot hysteria abroad, and at hame. Lily Grant’s Chemist Shop-cum-Distillery his completely selt oot o’ face-masks, and a lot o’ the villagers hiv quarantined themsel’s in the pub.

The media a’ over the place is nivver happier than fan they’re reporting big on something like this that maks folk buy their papers (if yer nae terrified, they’re nae daein their job richt) – so I thocht we could dae wi’ a sober laying oot of the simple facts about the threat posed tae us by this potential pandemic.

The virus is a lung disease fit started in China and in a few short weeks has travelled tae mair than 30 countries, including the UK, Italy and Iran.

So in mony wyes it is the diametric opposite o’ a typical native o’ Meikle Wartle, as in a lifetime we rarely ging mair than 30 mile in ony direction, and it is transmitted by human tae human contact, fit we try tae keep tae an absolute minimum at the best o’ times.

Of course it gets a’ the press because it’s new and exotic, like vegan burgers and K-Pop, but it’s worth minding that the vast majority o’ patients fa contract the virus experience mild symptoms; or fit we wid cry “smoring wi’ the caul”; and it becomes life threatening in just 5% of cases and fatal in tween 1% and 2%. So it’s bad, but as epidemiologists wid say: “It’s nae the worst.”

So far there is nae evidence of it here in the frozen north, and I hiv my doots that the virus could survive the sub-zero temperatures currently affecting the village – balmy though it is for a February.

Here in Meikle Wartle, we are hardy sons of toil fa dinna let illness haud us back. Plus if we can live richt next tae the sewage works wi’ nae ill-effects, fa kens fit we’re immune to by noo?

And so fit precautions can we tak tae prevent contracting it, wi’ oot panicking and losing the plot?

Weel, in a’ the press coverage, perhaps nae noticed in ameen a’ the big scary heidlines is the recommended guide tae prevent the spread of the virus.

This basically amounts tae washing yer haunds, nae sticking yer fingers in yer moo, and covering yer neb fan ye sneeze. So, in ither words, nae being a fool brute.

Noo, this common sense approach tae personal hygiene is second nature tae moist folk (but perhaps nae entirely universal given the sort of states I’ve seen Skittery Wullie in).

In summary, folks – dinna be manky, use a hanky!

Cheerio!

Cosmo Ludovic Fawkes-Hunt, 13th Earl of Kinmuck

This recent round of inclement weather our great nation has been enduring hasn’t half made me proud to be British.

Whilst Mother Nature keeps chucking these infernal storms at us, we Brits meet them head on with a stiff upper lip and some good old fashioned gumption!

The Kinmuck estate didn’t escape Ciara or Dennis unscathed, sadly. One of our magnificent banyan trees, situated near the south croquet lawn, fell foul of the gales and toppled on to the bronze effigy of my great-grand-pappy, the 10th earl.

Luckily, we had placed our gillie on night watch, so he was able to save the statue with some judicious chainsaw work, which, it transpires, can be quite tricky to execute safely in the dark – poor chap!

And so, this weekend, the estate braces itself for a meteorological mauling once more, but this time at the hands of some Johnny Foreigner storm, named “Jorge”.

What tommy rot! “Jorge” should be back in its own country, blowing off sombreros and knocking over jugs of sangria.

This proud nation neither needs nor wants these immigrant storms coming over here causing damage!

This is not the Brexit I (and on threat of dismissal, all of my staff and their families) voted for.

If our departure from the EU delivers nothing else, it should at the very least ensure that 2021 and beyond sees our shores battered by good, stout-hearted British storms, with proper British names, honouring the architects of our golden tomorrow.

Thus, I’m keenly awaiting the glorious day that we start hearing about the devastation wrought by “Nigel”, “Gove” and “Boris”!