We were planning a summer holiday but now it may have to be in the back garden. It is difficult to plan a trip with Mrs X at the best of times as she is so fussy about the places we stay in. There has to be a thorough inspection of the reviews and the bathroom arrangements have to be confirmed well in advance. She does not want to share a WC. She is unanimous in that.
She shudders at the very thought of venturing out into a corridor in the middle of the night. I’m not quite so bothered. When I was in the services I briefly stayed at a place with, er, outside conveniences. We didn’t usually have to go out in the middle of the night. We all just went potty – that was what we had to do. The only problem was when you made the mistake of having four or five pints just before retiring. So now I agree to careful planning.
Talking of planning, are you organising your TV schedule as you’ve little else to do? My favourites are whodunnits – both fictional and true crime. One TV highlight in the past week or so was that programme Quiz about the alleged cunning plan to swindle Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? What drama. Not as much a whodunnit as a whocoughed. It left me convinced that the Ingrams, the other Charles and Diana, done it.
Now I see digging is being done which may show they may not actually have cheated. But we saw … oh, it was a drama. Of course. The main prosecution witnesses were ITV people. The videos which appeared to show what happened were edited by, er, ITV. Did they show who coughed? The witnesses didn’t produce that evidence. Who didn’t? ITV. Oh right.
The then quizmaster Chris Tarrant, who at the time thought nothing untoward had happened, now says the Ingrams are guilty. Hmm, why the change? The current quizmaster, a chap called Jeremy Clarkson, also says the Ingrams are “guilty as sin”. Now which TV channel do we see him on most nowadays? That’d be ITV. I’m sure he is as unbiased as ever.
Now the real Ingrams’ lawyer has revealed that she may appeal to try to overturn the guilty verdicts after 17 years because new technology – not available at the time, apparently – may show who was actually doing the, ahem, coughing. The Ingrams have a lot at stake – well, they haven’t had their smackeroonies yet.
Like Sir Richard Branson, Sir Philip Green and Victoria Beckham. They are just some of the fantastically rich people who want the UK Government to pay their staffs’ emergency wages. Their businesses are suffering, like everyone else’s, but their situations are very different.
Multiple yacht-owning Sir Philip’s wife officially is the boss of Arcadia which owns clobber shops like TopMan, TopShop and Dorothy Perkins. The company, like herself, is based in tax haven Monaco. Yet they want me and you to pay the emergency wages of their 14,500 staff? Here’s an idea, Mr and Mrs Green. Flog one of your yachts.
Posh wag Victoria Beckham also wants us to pay for her 30 staff. This is the same Vicki Beckham who with her man has just bought a £17 million Miami penthouse to go with their £25m mansion in London, and a £6m barn conversion along the road from my daughter in the Cotswolds.
My Vicki hasn’t strolled round to David’s Vicki for a cup of sugar yet, but give it time. You want us to pay your staff’s wages, Posh? Here’s an idea. Flog a pad.
Meanwhile, airline boss Sir Richard Branson is getting in a pickle. Said to be worth a cool $4 billion and owning a 75-acre island playground in the Caribbean, Sir Rich wants UK help of £500m or he says the Virgin Atlantic airline may collapse. A loan would do, he says. Oh well, in that case … wait, Diane Abbott MP has just tweeted: “Branson has not paid tax in this country for 14 years.” Here’s a better idea, Sir Rich. Flog your island.
Nothing here to flog so we have pastimes to get us through lockdown. Some are intense.
For instance, I have only just gone and burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I have my afternoon nap.
The government says we must keep up physical exercise. I’ve been so bored recently that I decided to take up fencing. Unfortunately, the neighbours say they will call the cops unless I put it back.
When this lockdown is over, we’ll have to take a proper break – probably in six months’ time. I remembered Mrs X let slip she would like to go to the south of France so I will book that.
I have just told her that I am going to treat her to a 10-day holiday. Did she fancy Toulouse? Without looking away from The Chase, she said that would be fine as long as one was en suite.
