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The Flying Pigs: Top of the league, but no for fitba – and I’ve never had a great head for heights

Aberdeen Fans on a cherry picker outside Pittodrie Stadium, Aberdeen as Aberdeen FC take on Rangers FC behind closed doors.
Picture by Darrell Benns.
Aberdeen Fans on a cherry picker outside Pittodrie Stadium, Aberdeen as Aberdeen FC take on Rangers FC behind closed doors. Picture by Darrell Benns.

Covid Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who plays the man, not the ball.

Oh me. For a long time it was looking like Scotland had the Codona’s virus licked. But now it’s come out from the shadows, like the ghost of a Banjo. And what’s worst is it looks like my old club, the Dandy Dons, is knee deep in the stuff.

Last week it was all looking so good. The pubs and salons had reopened and the football season was starting. So, on Saturday, old Kenny had it all planned out.

The Flying Pigs

A quick shorthand backside at the Barber’s Pole, catch the Dons stuffing the Rangers at Pittodrie then grab a pint in the bar to celebrate. Well, that was the plan, anyway.

I never got my haircut – turns out you’ve to book an appointment. I never got into Pittodrie. Nobody never told me there was no fans allowed.

There was a couple of lads up in a cherry picker watching the game who says to me, they says “Himmin Kenny, come up and join us!”

But I couldn’t. I’ve never had a great head for heights – in fact, I think I’ve got a case of that verdigris. And then the Reds got beat. I didn’t even go for my pint, I was that scunnered.

Which, with the benefit of behind sight, was probably a good thing. As more and more bars and punters got broiled in the Codona’s virus spike, I’m sure half of Aberdeen was nervous of getting the call from the track and taste-testers that would mean they’d have to self-oscillate.

My old mucker, Dunter Duncan, had a couple of pints in town the other day and when his phone it rang on Thursday morning he was bricking it. Luckily it was double glazing. He was so relieved it wasn’t the NHS he’s getting new windows fitted on Tuesday.

As regulatory readers will know, two of Aberdeen’s squad has tested positive as well, after eight players went out drinking together last weekend. Understatedly, the fans is furious. If something like this had happened in Fergie’s day you can bet they’d have got the hairdresser treatment!

The St Johnstone game is off, but it looks like we’ll need to play half the under-17s against Hamilton and Celtic next week. My loon, Zander, could do a job for them if they’re really stuck.

That’s him left school now. He actually got a Covid-19 test as well – but the SQA downgraded it to Covid-17 so he’s fine.

Dr Hector Schlenk, Senior Research Fellow, Bogton Institute for Public Engagement with Science

As a married scientist I do not always get to watch my preferred television programmes (Discovery Channel, National Geographic, CBeebies), and usually have to defer to Mrs Schlenk who insists on watching “The News”.

Not paying 100% attention to the background babble of the set, I was at first delighted to hear Aberdeen being mentioned on the national news as “top of the league”.

Sadly, this meant neither a sudden return to footballing prominence nor our schools out-achieving those in the central belt for higher results, but rather the fact that we have a “Covid Cluster’.

Now this may sound like a particularly unappetising new flavour in a box of Milk Tray, but is, in fact, the term for the spike in infections which has necessitated a week-long local shutdown of all bars and restaurants and a ban on travel either into or out of the city.

Why has this happened? There has been little objective analysis from those in authority. Indeed, the chief executive of Aberdeen City Council has yet to make an appearance (presumably because she lives in Dundee, and so is not allowed in) and so it falls to me to examine the science of the situation.

I have carefully studied all of the data and also the photographs showing closely-packed revellers queueing outside a particular city venue.

I shall not identify the venue here, save to note that some people have suggested that, as it may have been the nexus of a rise in the “R-number”, we should henceforth prefix its name with that letter.

What lessons can we learn from the situation we now find ourselves in? Well, it would appear that, from a public health perspective, any net benefit of pedestrianisation, pavement benches and traffic cones to facilitate social distancing in a city centre can be entirely cancelled out by the simultaneous provision of massive tents in which people gather together to get blootered.

And so no one is allowed in or out of the city. a great pity for all those who had been due to visit relatives elsewhere in Scotland. Happily in my case, Mrs Schlenk ’s day trip to her sister in Montrose was on Wednesday, so she was able to go.

Though not, of course, return. I called her at 5pm with the sad news that she would not be allowed back into the city for a week or perhaps longer.

A pity, as she had just reached Portlethen, but rules are rules, and I instructed her to turn back for her own safety.

Now, where did she hide the remote?


Watch the latest performances by The Flying Pigs on their YouTube channel.