If you haven’t seen Blackadder, you should – it’s genius old-school comedy, no swearing just brilliant programming. In the context of this column I’m about to become Blackadder in series 4, episode 6 – Blackadder goes Forth.
This is the episode in which he goes mad and tries to avoid going “over the top” in the First World War. His level of loopiness includes wearing pants on his head and sticking knitting needles up his nose. If 2020 was the year I suffered actual mental health problems, this is the lockdown which is basically demonstrating I’m stir crazy like Blackadder.
In exposing my general current state of mind I’m not trying to educate or be clever, I’m simply seeing if there is anyone out there who feels the same. Nod or let me know if any of these symptoms sound familiar, they are in effect the pants and knitting needles. The condition is known as Lockdown Fever.
Symptom one – not questioning Groundhog Day. The phrase “you only live once” is now irrelevant in my life. I wake, have a coffee, I go to the PC and do e-mails. I don’t question this, I am not living life to the full, I am just being. I speak to people on Teams calls, nice people to be fair. I put the same clothes on I ended yesterday in.
At some point in the day I have a shower and eat. I return to the PC until teatime. I eat again, I walk and then watch sport. I go to bed. Repeat 100 days in a row – any takers? please say it’s not just me.
Symptom two – you find solace and reason in repetition. On my daily walk I often see a group of oyster catchers at the coast. Watching Landward this week I saw that people visit Colwyn Bay just to see oyster catchers. For me it’s part of my afternoon routine. I attend the “Oyster Catcher Convention” once a day. There are usually 16 attendees, I am 17.
As I attend I text my wife and tell her where it is being held. What the hell am I doing, have I lost it? The other day I actually wondered what they were talking about. They are birds, they don’t talk, and they are definitely not attending a convention. Anybody?
Symptom three – your “look” is that of a hungover mess going to buy fizzy juice on a Sunday morning. Each day I wear a “smart casual” top and try to make my hair presentable (more later on this). However, bottom half is lounge pants, shorts, joggers. Feet are in woollen slippers, sometimes bad trainers.
The other day I went for a walk in jogging bottoms, moccasins, and a jacket that had a furry hood, with striped socks to boot. These things should never ever be seen together, even in a drawer. I mean seriously, people used to say I was smart. I always wore a suit and shirt and even shoes. Is there a treatment for this?
Symptom four – shopping basket dumping. Every day I look at rubbish, stuff you don’t want but that is really cheap. Each day looking at online sales I fill shopping baskets and then think about buying it all.
Every day I then delete it all about 30 minutes later and never think of these items again – why I am doing this? Please tell me it isn’t just me.
Symptom five – being just weird. I’m doing odd things. I’m not sure it is illegal per se but I’m currently engaged in endless nightime hours of manufacturing ways to “back” and “lay” bets on betting sites in efforts to make literally a couple of pounds every day. I cut my own hair; I have no idea what the back looks like but I hope it’s faded in (I know it isn’t, I can feel it).
I like the monotonous, and no longer dream of Vegas, yards of margarita and pubs. They have won, whoever they are, I am beaten. Bring on the boring.
Symptom six – unquestioning obedience. I’m staying in my house, avoiding friends, reducing my alcohol intake, walking and missing my mother-in-law’s cooking all because someone I didn’t vote for, and who I don’t trust, told me to do these things.
I just noticed that the “I didn’t vote for” thing works for Tory voters in Scotland and SNP folk in the UK – genius.
Anyway, yes, I have become assimilated and programmed not to think or question or assess my own risks. When did that happen or maybe I am thinking and acting appropriately? I don’t know anymore. Right, I better go and put the knitting needles away as that will hurt when I put my head on the pillow. I’ll leave the pants on, though.
James Bream was research and policy director at Aberdeen and Grampian Chamber of Commerce and is now general manager of Aberdeen-based Katoni Engineering.