The latest topical insight from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs.
View from the Midden, rural affairs with Jock Alexander
It’s been a fermenting wik in the village. Wi’ local pubgoers still forced tae sit oot in the fresh air, dreaming’ o the day we can again enjoy a lock-in wi’ a bourach o’ sweaty mannies wi’ sharnie beets, we hiv been watching the antics o’ certain popular craft beer companies wi’ interest.
Noo there wiz a time fan we went all oot tae try and get BrewDog tae mak Meikle Wartle their corporate heidquarters. A campaign of letter writing in the Turriff Advertiser plus a concerted effort by Feel Moira tae drink a’ the Punk IPA in the Asda’s at Huntly.
Well, we thocht it wid be good for the village. Plus we’ve a lot o’ buildings ready-made for their signature pub style – ramshackle wi’ exposed brickwork. But noo that we’ve seen a’ yon controversy aboot them in the news, maybe we’ve hid a narra squeak.
First there wiz yon letter fae ex-employees wi’ allegations a toxic culture. Noo I da ken fit ‘at means exactly but fan Skittery Willie found een in his fridge, he’d tae get a new een. And noo, winners o’ their “solid gold” cans hiv found oot they’re maistly brass. So the shine is rapidly coming aff.
You hiv tae feel sorry for the folk that spent redundancy money on hunners o’ cans till they found a gold een, or found een and then popped the question tae their quine, planning tae finance a wedding with the proceeds and noo hiv tae scale back plans fae champagne and canapes tae scotch eggs and asti-spumanti.
It is a pity this promotion hid tae run intae controversy. I think folk really liked the hale Charlie and the Chocolate Factory vibe it hid.
Jist as I wiz reading aboot it, I funcy I heard, wafting on the air, a cautionary song aboot the folly o’ hubris. Looking oot my windae I wis amazed tae see half a dizen wee mannies wi’ orange faces and green hair. Though it may hiv jist been lousing time at the sewage works.
Cheerio!
Tanya Souter, lifestyle correspondent
I da ken aboot youse, but I wiz shocked fan I seen the Tour de France gan a’ tae skite cos some feel wifie held up a massive cardboard sign tae the TV cameras, and didnae spot a’ the sweaty cyclists bearing doon on her.
Dinna get me wrang, I’ve nae sympathy wi’ cyclists. They’re a richt pest, are they? I’ve lost coont o’ the number o’ times I’ve had somedee whizzing past my lug and blawn oot my clipper
I’m nae normally a fan o’ the Tour De Frunce, butt but I hiv watched that bittie. Over and over again. My youngest, Jayden, has hid the video on a loop for the last three days. He’s playing it backwards and athin.
Dinna get me wrang, I’ve nae sympathy wi’ cyclists. They’re a richt pest, are they? I’ve lost coont o’ the number o’ times I’ve had somedee whizzing past my lug and blawn oot my clipper fan I’m trying tae light a fag at the bus stop. Nae consideration.
But yon wiz mental, wiz it? The hale pelican collapsed. A massive pilie-on, cyclists injured, plus the wifie’s sign got ruined. I wid imagine the grunny and granda she wiz saying “hi” til wiz black affronted.
Winted by the police, she has noo been arrested. Mind you, she did mak a basic error. Faniver the bobbies are needing tae spik tae me, I mak a point o’ nae gaan aboot in a big fluorescent yella jaiket.
Struan Metcalfe, MP for North Aberdeenshire and Surrounding Nether Regions
Ruddy Matt “cack hands” Hancock! The bare faced cheek… the sheer injustice of it all …one rule for them, another rule for everyone else!
“Stay at home. Socially distance from everyone apart from your immediate family. Don’t have affairs.”
The guidance has been perfectly clear. Yet apparently only we mere mortals have to abide by it.
He gets to hire a glamorous former uni pal as an “advisor”. Yet when old Struan innocently asks to add Miss Fallon D’Bree to the constituency office payroll as a consultant on the night-time economy, I am specifically told by the party whip I’m not allowed to hire any more totty. Notwithstanding her spectacular credentials and an HND in secretarial studies. She was even going to supply her own pole!
On the subject of Hancock, for a frustrated old Lothario like yours truly I don’t know what’s more upsetting – the fact that someone as weird looking as him appears to be scoring like Ronaldo, or that he’s obviously so rubbish at it.
All it needed was Spandau Ballet playing in the background and it could have been old Struan with Tamsin Finkle-Cheeseman at the Gordonstoun 5th year dance!