She stood dominant and fearsome, tapping a long cane against her jackboots.
Hm! She reminds me of that woman on The Chase, I thought, the one who scares all those contestants and knows everything.
The cane crashed off my back.
“Keep moving,” she commanded as she adjusted the thick black leather belt around her ample waist. “We have no time for pleasantries.”
There were others who clearly incurred her wrath; the woman with the walking frame who didn’t move fast enough, and a chatty man who, when asked “how are you?” by an attendant went into a monologue about his various ailments and hospital appointments.
Me? My aching back advised I should keep shtum.
The queue at the P&J Live venue in Aberdeen moved along slowly and after a brief piece of administration I was ushered to see Dr Judy, a retired GP eager to do her bit for the NHS, hence her volunteer job as a Covid vaccinator.
She informed me I was to be given the Pfizer vaccine and explained possible side effects, like calling my friend Feter and telling people I was going to the Fost Office.
The whole experience was trouble-free, and pleasant people who looked like escapees from Holby City were on hand to show me to the post-jab seating area where a 15-minute period was recommended to ensure you weren’t going to feel dizzy or start foaming at the mouth.
Falling down the escalator would not be tolerated.
I became impatient.
Steamed-up specs meant I was unable to read messages on my phone or see how many readers of my column on the EE’s Facebook page have been insulting me.
Strangely, many of them have the Saltire as their profile picture.
I decided five minutes was long enough and headed for the exit. Just when I thought I was safe, a voice from behind said: “Where do you think you’re going? I’ve been watching you. You didn’t remain seated for 15 minutes.”
“I’m sorry,” I whimpered. “I’m feeling…”
She smirked, raised an arm and tasered me before two Holby City extras dragged me back to my seat.
Later, as I departed, I spoke to Donna on the door. “That woman, is she on TV?” I inquired. “The Chase?”
“No,” Donna replied. “She was one of the aunts on The Handmaid’s Tale.
“The ones who zapped people with that electric thing when they misbehaved.”
You will have spotted the fake news in this story. Suffice to say Dr Judy and Donna are real and the entire experience of my first Covid jab went off rather well.
Infighting in SNP is brought to the fore
When Joanna Cherry was “reshuffled” out of her role on the SNP’s front bench team at Westminster it once more highlighted the infighting and discord in Nicola Sturgeon’s party.
It seems that if you’re part of the faction that supports former first minister Alex Salmond, as Cherry is, your days are numbered.
The QC has clashed with the leadership over gender reforms as well as the strategy for independence.
Her sacking is the latest controversy in the SNP’s civil war as we await a potential explosion next week when Salmond appears before the Holyrood inquiry into the Scottish Government’s handling of complaints against him.
The committee looking into what has been labelled the Salmond affair seems to have been running longer than Cats did in the West End and has merely purred as witnesses failed to remember important events: Who said what, when and to whom.
The refusal this week by Peter Murrell, the SNP chief executive and husband of Ms Sturgeon, to reprise his role as a witness in order to clear up one or two of his previous answers, surely underlined that this matter ought to have been set out as a judge-led inquiry.
Maybe Murrell’s reason for rebuffing the committee centred on requests by his missus to “stay home, keep the NHS safe”.
Elite sport exempt from quarantine?
Nicola Sturgeon announced rules that anyone arriving in Scotland from abroad should quarantine.
Then football’s transfer window opened.
We must assume our national game has some kind of exemption from a restriction placed on mere mortals; elite sport, and all that.
Aberdeen FC, for example, this week recruited Fraser Hornby from French club Stade de Reims – he played in the 2-0 defeat to Livingston on Tuesday night – and Florian Kamberi from Switzerland’s St Gallen.
Where’s Jason Leitch when you need him?
This article originally appeared on the Evening Express website. For more information, read about our new combined website.