I am so excited for the brave new world of post-Brexit Britain and the myriad benefits it will bring.
That keen sense of anticipation of just how wonderful it is to take back control has only been heightened by a new campaign Westminster is launching to tell us all the joys to expect when we travel to Europe after January 1.
The first benefit is that those vile European Health Insurance Cards forced on us by Brussels will no longer be valid.
Who do those evil EU bureaucrats think they are, giving people free or reduced health care on holidays in different countries?
Those shackles are broken and now we are free to find and pay for our own health insurance for our holidays. Much better, isn’t it? I’d happily cough up more cash for insurance companies’ profits than see a single penny sent to the EU.
Also, we all need to be going online to check if our UK driving licences are valid in European countries if we are planning on driving. The current ones won’t be automatically accepted after January 1.
But who is going to quibble about having to find the online form – or go to the Post Office – to fill out all our details then cough up £5.50 for a permit?
After all, it means we can get rid of that nasty European flag and stars on our own driving licences. Now that is taking back control.
And if you’re planning on taking your dogs with you, you might want to start getting on the case now. It will take up to four months to complete the paperwork.
Check your own passport too. If it’s got less than six months on it from your date of departure, you might be knocked back from travelling.
Still, once you have jumped through all those hoops and paid the extra cash you need to pay, you can be sitting in the sun texting pictures of your poolside cocktail to your mates at home. Mind you, check your phone contract first because automatic toll-free data roaming will be a thing of the past.
But at least we will have taken back control, eh? All of that – all those extra checks, all that form-filling, the additional costs – is just for us mere mortals planning a trip to Europe to get a tan.
That is just the tip of the iceberg of the chaos and inconvenience coming our way, thanks to a jaw-dropping act of national self-harm.
We’re out of Europe, the grace period of “as you were” is ending and things are about to get real – as in really bad. What we need now is a cunning plan to stop the madness. Just a pity no one in Number 10 has one.
Apple gets better of my handwriting
Apple has finally succeeded where Mrs Tulloch and a raft of other teachers failed – it’s making my handwriting better.
My scrawl is appalling. It’s so bad, I can’t even read what I’ve written myself. But an upgrade for iPads means the nifty gadget can now read and turn to text what I write… if I try to be a bit neater.
Rather than clumsily tapping on the keyboard, I now jot down words and there they are. A miracle has happened! Even if it thinks my lower case l is a capital C.
Just no arguing with virus deniers
As I was wandering in town on Saturday I heard the noisy bombast that normally indicates a God-botherer at work with a megaphone outside Markies.
Right enough, there was a wee group of folk giving it laldy about the need to save us from evil, based on nothing more than superstition and ignorance.
Except this time it wasn’t the Christian evangelists, but the coronavirus deniers.
Oh dear. Apparently the pandemic is all a hoax. I suppose we’d better tell that to the families of the 42,000 people who have died in the UK.
I didn’t take in the fine details of the “argument”. I tend not to spend too much time on patent nonsense. But one wifie was shouting about only having to wear your seatbelt in a car, so why wear masks all the time? Eh, because it saves lives, pretty much the way seatbelts do, too.
There is, of course, no arguing with those who buy into conspiracy theories. They are right, you are wrong, end of. But spouting such ill-informed nonsense in public is wrong and, on that one, I’m right.
This article originally appeared on the Evening Express website. For more information, read about our new combined website.