The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs.
Struan Metcalf MP for Aberdeenshire North and Surrounding Nether Regions
Poor old Owen “Goal” Paterson. First he gets his collar felt by the parliamentary standards committee. Then, when his chums try to do the decent thing and change the rules so he gets off scot-free, the whole thing kicks off like chucking out time at the Square at Huntly and he has to resign – a decision, if my own experience is any guide, he came to himself after sober reflection, an ear-bashing and a metaphorical wedgie from Number 10.
The big surprise for we MPs who dutifully trailed through the divisions to vote for the Great Escape while our inboxes were melting from the backlash was how quickly the high-ups changed their tune.
Bozza about-faced so fast he must have got whiplash and old Walter the Softy himself was on his feet the next morning, throwing Owen under the bus. “So much for the convivial fraternal spirit”, as one of my colleagues observed while we enjoyed a very convivial, fraternal spirit in the Strangers’ Bar.
Keir Starmer has been on the telly with his cantilevered quiff, banging on Tory sleaze, probity and “corruption” – whatevs. When he was Director of Public Prosecutions, he could have let loads of people off the hook, but he never even tried. What’s the matter with the man?
The whole affair reminds me of the day Swotty Buchan (a sanctimonious oik of the worst kind, now clearing land mines in Kandahar for the UN, or some such nonsense) threw open the door to the assembly hall, and announced that his audit of the tuck shop takings had found three boxes of crisps and a case of Rolos unaccounted for.
My statement today: pic.twitter.com/gZocV3WIwS
— Owen Paterson (@OwenPaterson) November 4, 2021
Well, that was the end of poor Fatty Blenkinsop’s stewardship. Drummed out, pickled onion flavoured crumbs cascading down his front as he stammered his non-apology.
At first we tried to rally round. After all, everyone knew Fatty had his hands in the literal sweetie jar, but as long as the occasional Sherbet Dip Dab came one’s way, who cared? Yes, his insatiable confectionery habit led to a massive shortfall in tuck shop funds, but he made it all back by overcharging the first years, and anyone he didn’t consider “one of us”. So who was it really hurting?
Like Fatty, Owen Paterson’s integrity has been brought into question, and why? Just because he was found guilty. What is the world coming to?
View from the Midden – with MTV’s Jock Alexander
It’s been a virtual wik in the village. Whether it’s COP26 in Glasgow highlighting that we’re a’ doomed, or even jist the clocks gan back so it gets dark jist efter breakfast, real life disnae hae much gaan for it of noo. So, like ab’dy else in such trying times, we hiv taen the bull by the horns and allowed oorsels tae be totally distracted by social media.
Some in the village dinna get the point o’ showing ab’dy fit yer weering or fit yer aboot tae hae for yer denner, especially fan roon here it’s aye “dungers” and “tatties” although, in the case o’ Feel Moira, nae necessarily in that order.
I wiz impressed at how close tae a real boy they’ve been able tae mak Mark Zuckerberg look
Meanwhile, ither, mair ootward looking eens really enjoy foo easy social media maks it tae hae heated arguments wi’ fowk ye dinna ken. So there wis much excitement aboot the unveiling o’ Facebook’s new name, “Meta”, and their plans tae build a virtual reality “Metaverse”.
Noo I wiz confused aboot this at first, but luckily the hale concept wiz explained in a video hosted by Facebook heid-bummer, Mark Zuckerberg. Despite his mechanical hand gestures, stilted delivery and weird-looking hair, I wiz impressed at how close tae a real boy they’ve been able tae mak him look.
Onywye, the video showed an artificial environment far ye can magically be in the same room as fowk fa are miles awa, as long as ye dinna mind them floating aboot in mid air, spikking like an American teenager or looking like a big reed robot.
Of course fit wi’ Facebook getting pelters over privacy and security, the dissemination o’ harmful misinformation and its negative impact on mental health, some hiv said this hale rebranding is jist a smokescreen. Here in the village, though, we’re a’ for onything that can wheech ye awa tae an exotic location that’s nae dark an caul and far the wind blaws sharny dubs aff the fields and up yer neb.
But files Zuckerberg’s Metaverse is still years awa, Skittery Willie has plans tae corner the market in VR, despite niver being able tae work a VCR and internet coverage in the village being spottier than a plooky teenager.
Jist by swapping twa letters of the name, he came up wi’ the village’s ain version of Meta – Meat! A virtual reality livestock mart far local fermers can baith “meet” and buy “meat” wi’oot haein tae ging onywye near an actual coo.
Is it a good idea? No. It’s obviously jist a massive waste o’ time. But, I will say this for it: it’s nae real.
Cheerio!