Calendar An icon of a desk calendar. Cancel An icon of a circle with a diagonal line across. Caret An icon of a block arrow pointing to the right. Email An icon of a paper envelope. Facebook An icon of the Facebook "f" mark. Google An icon of the Google "G" mark. Linked In An icon of the Linked In "in" mark. Logout An icon representing logout. Profile An icon that resembles human head and shoulders. Telephone An icon of a traditional telephone receiver. Tick An icon of a tick mark. Is Public An icon of a human eye and eyelashes. Is Not Public An icon of a human eye and eyelashes with a diagonal line through it. Pause Icon A two-lined pause icon for stopping interactions. Quote Mark A opening quote mark. Quote Mark A closing quote mark. Arrow An icon of an arrow. Folder An icon of a paper folder. Breaking An icon of an exclamation mark on a circular background. Camera An icon of a digital camera. Caret An icon of a caret arrow. Clock An icon of a clock face. Close An icon of the an X shape. Close Icon An icon used to represent where to interact to collapse or dismiss a component Comment An icon of a speech bubble. Comments An icon of a speech bubble, denoting user comments. Comments An icon of a speech bubble, denoting user comments. Ellipsis An icon of 3 horizontal dots. Envelope An icon of a paper envelope. Facebook An icon of a facebook f logo. Camera An icon of a digital camera. Home An icon of a house. Instagram An icon of the Instagram logo. LinkedIn An icon of the LinkedIn logo. Magnifying Glass An icon of a magnifying glass. Search Icon A magnifying glass icon that is used to represent the function of searching. Menu An icon of 3 horizontal lines. Hamburger Menu Icon An icon used to represent a collapsed menu. Next An icon of an arrow pointing to the right. Notice An explanation mark centred inside a circle. Previous An icon of an arrow pointing to the left. Rating An icon of a star. Tag An icon of a tag. Twitter An icon of the Twitter logo. Video Camera An icon of a video camera shape. Speech Bubble Icon A icon displaying a speech bubble WhatsApp An icon of the WhatsApp logo. Information An icon of an information logo. Plus A mathematical 'plus' symbol. Duration An icon indicating Time. Success Tick An icon of a green tick. Success Tick Timeout An icon of a greyed out success tick. Loading Spinner An icon of a loading spinner. Facebook Messenger An icon of the facebook messenger app logo. Facebook An icon of a facebook f logo. Facebook Messenger An icon of the Twitter app logo. LinkedIn An icon of the LinkedIn logo. WhatsApp Messenger An icon of the Whatsapp messenger app logo. Email An icon of an mail envelope. Copy link A decentered black square over a white square.

Moreen Simpson: The beasties in my living room are scarier than the ones on I’m a Celeb

Apparently some bees are big enough and angry enough to last until late November (Illustration: Helen Hepburn)
Apparently some bees are big enough and angry enough to last until late November (Illustration: Helen Hepburn)

Methinks my life sometimes parallels the dross I watch on telly.

For example, the day after the new series of I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here burst on to our screens, guess fa’ hid her very own naisty critter trial?

I always watch Ant and Dec’s show, albeit with the same annual list of moans; like I’ve never heard of half the slebs (in fact, only four out of 10 this year) and how the dangerous animals all seem to be in a distinctly non-dangerous stupor.

Apparently the first episode this year prompted howls of complaint from viewers because there were 20 minutes of ads. Surely naebody watches telly in real time? I haven’t seen an advert for about 10 years.

Some of my own confrontations with various creepy crawlies have been scarier than the show’s best bits. Like my infestation of ants over the kitchen work surfaces. Or the truly Hammer horror episode when thousands of bees burst through plaster up the stairs, invaded the hoose and I’d to fill the hole as the beasties buzzed through. Affa nae fine.

Little did I know, all this time the bee sods have been planning their second offensive.

My very own I’m a Celeb monster

Monday dawned clear and quite hot, so I opened a bittie of my big window in the living room while the sun was belting in. My quine arrived after school, the Toots asking to watch I’m A Celeb because it was too late for them the evening before.

I’d to close the curtains to keep the sun off the screen. Just as Richard Madeley was getting battered with slimy insects, there suddenly came an explosive buzzing in the room, like some kind of siren had gone off. We froze. Coming from behind the curtains.

Ant and Dec are putting some celebrities through their paces – but have you heard of any of them before? (Photo: Shutterstock)

I crept across and peeked round them. Loons and quines, I dinna ken if ye’ve ever seen a muckle huge queen bee. Well, this one was double that size. Spik aboot a bosker. Like a black golf ball. Squeaky-bum time – in spades. Nice Nana, I didn’t indicate to the wee yins that we were playing host to our own I’m a Celeb monster moment, played it cool and muttered something aboot leaving it to flee oot again.

Sure enough, within a few seconds, the buzzin’ suddenly stopped. Phew. I went to close the window. Then – mummy, daddy, helpmakilt. The Black Beast, which had obviously been lying in wait, flew at me the moment I drew back the curtain. Our combined scraiks must have been heard in Clatt.

Eventually I got the queen in front of my EE and wafted her back to nature

Like a victory lap, she buzzed roon the room, then back to the window. Plottin’ and shakkin’, I grabbed an Evening Express and – fit bravery – tried to guide it oot. Went to open the window wider, but it wouldn’t budge, shouted at my cowerin’ quine to give me a hand. Eventually, it gave way, I got the queen in front of my EE and wafted her back to nature.

How come this royal stinger is still buzzin’ aboot in November? And, remember, aye keep an EE by yer side!


Read more by Moreen Simpson: