The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs.
Ron Cluny, official council spokesman
So, the Sue Gray report into partygate has finally landed.
As a political communications professional who has worked with Aberdeen City Council for many years, you become used to criticism. There is a hierarchy of how you deal with it.
If it is wrong, you correct the error. “If you don’t like what’s happened at the Haudagain, please don’t blame the council, it was a Scottish Government project.”
If it is partially right, you take it on the chin, but spin it as best you can. “No, it doesn’t look good that Barney Crockett got his painting done in Russia, but it was commissioned long before the invasion of Ukraine, when they still had Markies and Maccy D’s, and seemed totally normal.”
And then, of course, there is the difficult situation where the criticism is both serious and entirely merited, and where there is nothing that can really be said to make things better. And what you do then is try to buy time in the hope that something more important will come up.
And, so it is that Downing Street has tried to keep the partygate balloon in the air for as long as possible. “Wait for the report, we must wait for the report.” Now we have the report, the response switches, shamelessly and predictably, to: “Well, we’ve been waiting for such a long time, it’s old news now.”
Some in the Tory party – mainly the former soldiers – see how bad this is. It’s almost as if doing a job where your mates are in danger of getting shot if you make a mistake teaches people something about accountability and consequences. But most are happy to put the telescope to the blind eye and parrot the party line.
Never mind that the report discloses a rotten culture of entitlement. Never mind that the people who made the rules seemed to think they meant that, while it was OK to demand that the Queen had to say goodbye to her husband of 70 years in isolation, it was unthinkable for someone who had served in No 10’s press office for a couple of years to leave without a boozy farewell.
Never mind that the only sin here seems to lie in getting caught.
“We were working hard.” As if the rest of the nation wasn’t.
“We needed to blow off some steam.” As if the rest of the nation didn’t.
“We need to move on.” Well, indeed, we do. Just without you and your cronies at the helm.
Tanya Souter, lifestyle correspondent
I da ken aboot youse, but I’m beginning tae feel mair optimistic aboot Aiberdeen noo we’ve hid a bittie o’ sun. Suddenly it seems there’s lots o’ wee reasons tae be cheerful.
Noo, some might say it’s feel tae hae four cinemas within popcorn lobbing distance of each ither
At last, we is seeing the green shoots o’ recovery, if only poking oot o’ the rooftops o’ buildings in Union Street. And it’s good tae see folk oot again, stotting aboot the city cinter, sivven sheets tae the wind, like the last twa years niver happened. In fact, it used tae be jist at night ye’d see mannies fechting ootside St Nicholas Kirk, but noo it happens at aa ‘oors .
And we’re getting a new cinema in the Bon Accord cinter. Noo, some might say it’s feel tae hae four cinemas within popcorn lobbing distance of each ither, but I mind my granny banging on aboot the auld days fan there wis mair than 30 in the toon. Of course, ‘at wis fan naeb’dy hid a TV. Nooadays there’s nithin on TV, so it’s the same difference.
Meanwhile, The Draft Project, the “pop-up bar” far Bruce Miller’s used tae be, his been approved for anither twa year. Quite right, too. It’s the city’s maist famousest venue, efter it wiz a o’er the national news last year – jist afore we got wir special bonus Aiberdeen lockdown.
A swunky firm o’ architects wis quoted as saying it has a “rustic urban vibe” and “a distinctive architectural joyousness”. Shows fit I ken, I thocht it wiz jist a massive beer tent in a car park. But it wiz likened tae the trendy Ruin Bars o’ Budapest. I’ve heard plenty folk saying Aiberdeen’s been ruined, so we must be affa fashionable.
In fact, the Green must be a’ the rage, along with the new see-through BHS. My bairns have been haein great fun playing doon there far they’ve been knocking doon the New Market.
Some fowk might disprove o’ letting a siven year aul cut through a fence and roam free on a building site – certainly the wifie fae the social work department hid plenty tae say aboot it – but it’s meant tae be good for kids tae play in the open air, is it? And far else could my Jayden learn important life skills, like foo tae hotwire a JCB?
- See The Flying Pigs live in The Rothienorman Picture Show at HMT Aberdeen from September 21 to 24
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