The Flying Pigs: Sunak and Truss would be great on a gameshow… Pointless

By The Flying Pigs

July 30 2022, 6:00 am

Rishi Sunak and Liz Truss faced off on Talk TV until Kate McCann fainted.

The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs.

Tanya Souter, Lifestyle Correspondent

I da ken about youse but I hinna been able tae keep interested in the Tory Leadership contest. I mean it’s nae exactly ‘Love Island’, is it? D’ye ken ‘is? In the last five years, we’ll hiv hid three different Prime Ministers. At’s mair than I’ve had social workers. Fit’s worse is, we’ve only actually elected een o’ them. Mind you, he wis the worst een iver so maybe democracy isnae athin it’s cracked up tae be.

But, eence again, it’s the Conservative Party membership fa will choose wir next Prime Minister. I dinna envy them though – choosing atween Mr Bean and Mrs Potato heed.

Neither o’ them is gan tae be ony use, is they? Dis either o’ them hae a plan for dealing wi’ the cost o living? Nut. I mean, I’d need tae tak oot a loan tae buy a tub o’ Lurpak these days – aye, if I wiz actually paying for it and nae smuggling it oot ‘o Spar in ma’ bum-bag.

Nae being funny, but d’ye nae think there’s something nae right aboot the pair o’ them? The wye Truss stares at ye oot o’ the telly minds me on my dog fan it had kidney trouble. And Sunak’s nae better. He wints folk tae think he’s a normal bloke, but he looked like E.T. fan he tried tae buy a twix in a petrol station.

The last debate wis a bosker though, wis it? Best een yet. It wis on “Talk Tv” fit is, apparently, a thing. Half wye through, fan the pair o’ them wis banging on about tax cuts again, there wis this massive crash. I thought it wiz Rishi’s wallet falling oot o’ his pocket, but it wiz actually the presenter, Kate McCann, fainting. She wiz ok, but they hid tae cancel the hale programme! It fair minded me on fan I used tae fake a sair belly tae get oot o’ daeing P.E. Weel daen, Kate!

Speaking of which, fit wye are we getting a’ this stuff on the telly onywye? Naen o’ us gets a vote. If we hiv tae watch the pair o’ them vying wi een anither for a month, at least mak it fun. Instead o’ these boring debates, let’s pit them on a few gameshows. Rishi could ging on the 1% Club, Liz wid be perfect on ‘Pointless’ or even better, let’s see the pair o’ them on ‘Total Wipeout’.

Davinia Smythe-Barrett, ordinary mum

What a terrible time we ordinary mums have had lately. I don’t think there’s a more difficult job in the world than trying to entertain the little darlings in the school holidays during a heatwave. The Kingswells Mums For Direct Action on Climate Change Whatsapp group (admin – moi!) found it so arduous that all of the others were unable to continue and left!

I’ve had my work cut out keeping Emmeline and Fidel away from the ice cream vans patrolling the streets; not exactly environmentally friendly, driving refrigeration units around in a diesel truck! But luckily we prefer our own home-made non-dairy variant, made from avocado. Of course, supermarket avocados aren’t really up to much are they? So I have mine sent over from Mexico. Its a really marvellous service and they arrive as fresh as the moment they were picked. I don’t know how they do it!

Getting away has been the most awful trial, though. On the eve of our flight to Monaco the heatwave melted the runway. I simply couldn’t bear the thought of abandoning what would only be our fifth break of the year, so there was nothing for it but to drive. But with Milo stuck in Belize for tax reasons, who would take the wheel?

Cars queue at the check-in at the Port of Dover in Kent as many families embark on getaways in the summer holidays. Picture by Gareth Fuller/PA Wire

Well, I’m proud to say that only days after his first unofficial lessons, tearing around the grounds in the spare Range Rover, Fidel was raring to go. He’s so talented at driving it seems silly to make him wait until he’s 17 and it was nice to be able to give him something to keep him occupied on the long journey other than Fortnite on his iPad! Unfortunately, we’ve been stuck in a traffic jam at Dover for 3 days now and the in-car mini-fridge has run out of Pimms.

Meanwhile, at home, the poor lawn had begun to look distinctly jaundiced. Just in time for us going away on our hols. Typical! As an environmentally responsible family we wouldn’t dream of contributing to a water shortage by leaving the sprinklers on while we’re away. So our au pair Snezanha has stayed behind to do it by hand. Of course, it means she’ll miss a month on the Riviera, but she’s Bulgarian and an absolute trooper, so I insisted.