The Flying Pigs: Time to stockpile tatties and stay at hame

By The Flying Pigs

August 20 2022, 6:00 am

Slains Castle in Aberdeen is about to get a makeover - but where will all the goths go? (Photo: Bidwells Architects)

The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs.

Kevin Cash, moneysaving expert and king of the grips

Fit a state we’re in. Inflation is the worst for 40 years, energy prices is gan up 400%, there’s talk aboot setting up “warm banks”, and we’ll hae aul folk riding aboot a’ day on the free buses just tae get a heat.

So, fit’s the solution? Fit can I, as an expert at daein things on the cheap, possibly advise tae deal wi the full magnitude o’ this cost o’ living crisis?

One word: booze. Get torn in, ye canna ging wrang. Hae enough and ye feel like you’re in thon Ready Brek advert fae the 1970s, wi the wee radioactive loon. Plus, if ye get completely stocious, it will hae the benefit of making ye forget fit a pig’s erse the government’s made of dealing wi’ it a’.

It’s also a handy wye tae forget aboot a’ the ither signs o’ the apocalypse we’ve tae deal wi’ these days, like war in Europe, climate change, and Liz Truss. Wi a’ that tae contend wi’, I’m amazed ab’dy’s nae stottin’ aboot 24/7.

Course, ye’ll need a steady supply o’ alcohol, and it’s nae cheap either these days. So mak yer ain. That’s fit wye I hiv been stockpiling misshapen tatties fae oot the green bins at the back o’ Morrisons. My hamemade vodka fit I hiv cried “The Reducer” is currently packing oot my fridge, plus maist o’ my ither cupboards.

Even if ye hid the cash for it, gan oot in toon is nae advisable onywye. Aiberdeen’s jist been voted “worst big city destination in the UK”, wi’ voters in Which? magazine spikken about the peer quality o’ food and sights tae see. Although, things are much improved on baith those fronts noo that Get Stuffed his been demolished.

Forget Belmont Street – let’s move the Slains Castle party to Cruden Bay (Photo: Visit Scotland)

But, even some o’ the pubs in Aiberdeen is shutting doon. Slains is about tae get a revamp, gan fae dark, dingy and horrifying tae bright, Instagrammable and horrifying, wi’ birdcage seating and a selfie wall. Fitiver the hell they are.

It’s the peer goths I feel sorry for; far are they gan tae skulk?

Weel, efter my third Reducer last night, I come up wi a plan. Let’s hae Slains Castle at yer actual Slains Castle. Sure, it’s a good wye oot fae the centre o’ toon, but ye can start drinking on the bus tae Cruden Bay. Ayewiz advisable.

As far as facilities is concerned ye’ve got an eco-friendly, open-air, unisex convenience, complete wi’ a magic sea view. Jist dinna ging too near the edge

Yes, it’s a fair hike alang the cliffs tae get tae it, but it’s nae worse than the slog up tae the lavvies in Archibald Simpson’s, is it? And fit ye’ll hae is a nifty outdoor venue awash wi’ an authentically crumbling gothic atmosphere. Like The Draft Project wi’ oot the bunting.

As far as facilities is concerned ye’ve got an eco-friendly, open-air, unisex convenience, complete wi’ a magic sea view. Jist dinna ging too near the edge.

Then again, getting steaming is nivver wi’ oot it’s dangers, and even the added jeopardy o’ accidentally stotting aff a cliff intae the North Sea is nae worse than negotiating Belmont Street efter midnight.

Shelley Shingles, entertainment correspondent and Miss Fetteresso 1983

Oh. Em. Factual Gee!!! There’s been a major announcement in the world of TV quiz show hosting, and it was one that got me right in the feels.

After nearly 30 years of snarling and sneering at the young brainiacs who dared to get a question wrong, Jeremy Paxman has decided that the gong has gone on his career as the host of University Challenge.

For a lot of folk of a certain age, the show will always be associated with its first host, Paul’s dad, Bamber Gascoigne. But Jezza has now sat in the inquisitor’s chair for longer.

How I’ll miss Jeremy Paxman’s bored, unimpressed way of saying ‘No, you lose five points’. And ‘We all know the rules by now, so let’s get started’

— Ysenda MaxtoneGraham (@YsendaMG) August 16, 2022

It’s a show I’ve always found difficult to get into, myself. The questions are absolutely bonkers! How am I supposed to know that Pierce Brosnan didn’t write Dante’s Inferno?!

I once went a whole series answering every question with “egg”, and it was never the correct answer to anything. That’s why I prefer shows like Tipping Point. I turned it on the other day and the very first question was: “What kind of foodstuff is Humpty Dumpty?” Correct answer to Shingles!

Anyway, me and Jeremy go way back. I first met him in 1997 when I was down in London working on Newsnight as a stand in for Kirsty Wark. (Showbiz secret – she does all her own interviews, of course, but when you see her in silhouette with a handful of A4 – that was me!)

I remember one time a squad of us went out for a meal at an Indian restaurant and we all ordered the pakora. Jeremy says to the waiter: “That’s your starter for ten!”

Wise words from a true gent.