There’s nothing in the world like hold music.
I wouldn’t want to offend any hold music writers, as I’m sure it’s a serious craft. The briefs will be challenging: “A gentle, placating vibe. Good energy. Must last for two hours.” They have it down to a fine art.
There’s nothing quite like being reminded of the crushing, boringness that life occasionally entails, through not much fault of our own.
I speak – I write – as someone who, for the past six months, has been trying, desperately, exasperatingly, to close electricity and gas accounts at a tenancy I held previously, vacating on March 6 this year. Since then, I’ve been assured by, I think, no less than six people, that these accounts would be fully closed. They are not.
I’ve spent an overwhelming amount of time on the phone. I’ve tried tweeting at the company. “Kafka-esque” is just a phrase. Turning myself into a cockroach might well be a more viable exit strategy at this point…
I won’t name the company, as I would feel it was uncouth, but the sheer amount of time I’ve spent on the phone listening to their hold music means it has now been ingrained upon my very soul. When I finally perish, you might hear the notes emitting from my place of rest, if you listen closely enough, and the wind is blowing in just the right direction. “We’re very busy right now…”
It’s probably a nuanced take on the energy crises we’re all going through, but it’s hard for me to detach myself from the view that, amidst all this, coupled with the skyrocketing bills, is a relentless commitment to terrible customer service by providers who are, mostly, raking it in.
Businesses are stuck in limbo
I reflect on this as someone who manages a mostly beloved local cinema. We rely on our reputation for committed and patient staff who often go the extra mile.
If businesses in the arts, leisure, retail or hospitality were to treat their customers so badly, they simply wouldn’t have any. These energy companies, providers of poor service, might be about to serve us all with bills that will see us left in ruin.
There is no business decision we can take to offset it; we need the government to act
At Belmont Filmhouse, we’re projecting huge additional expenditure on energy over the next 18 months. That is at current energy costs, not factoring in any rises in October, January or further afield.
There is no business decision we can take to offset it; we need the government to act. Tenders for gas and electricity are approximately three to five times higher than pre-pandemic. It is quite unsustainable.
Governments are on hold
Governments in the UK are, for now, on hold in the wake of the unfortunate passing of the Queen, the media glare gently sliding towards Ballater, in what has been a tender distraction from our realities for the past few days. We are both “Keeping Calm and Carrying On”, and yet not.
Once life resumes, the governments must get back to the crises at hand, and aggressively so, or we’ll be in for a bleak few months, followed by a bleak few years.
Back to the hold music. I suspect I’ve had to listen to approximately 14 hours of it since March. I’m dreading the next round, and probably the one after. It’s worth stating that the operators who I speak to are all pleasant and helpful, and all reassure me that, this time, they’ve solved it. I wonder how they themselves are coping with the ever-increasing costs.
Will the plan work?
The current plan for dealing with these rises is a taxpayer-funded loan to the energy companies in order to smooth out the cost over the next decade or so. I think back to “flattening the curve” of Covid, which, in a sense, was a similar strategy, except this time lockdown will be enforced by having little money left over for activities.
Placing the cost back on consumer bills was considered unpalatable, unsurprisingly. But this is still a system designed by the energy companies, to protect their widening margins. And we, the taxpayers, are still footing the bill.
I hope that the new prime minister is up to the challenge, otherwise we may face quite the disaster – a stalled economy, drifting backwards
The upside is that bills may not go beyond their already completely unaffordable rate. The downside is that they remain at a high level for some time, if not indefinitely.
I hope that the new prime minister is up to the challenge, otherwise we may face quite the disaster – a stalled economy, drifting backwards. A cold winter, with an ever-dragging on war in Ukraine. A zombie government, with no plan; just hold music until 2024.
Colin Farquhar is head of cinema operations for Belmont Filmhouse in Aberdeen
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