A meme I saw recently must have been written by an old codger with memory problems.
It expresses frustration with everyday problems. It says: “I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, retraced my steps, got distracted on my way back, have no idea what’s going on and now I have to pee.”
Actually, that could have been written by me. I have been distracted, apparently, like many of us.
Pretty much everything the chancellor said in his mini-budget has now been overturned because it was “a distraction”. If the government says something was a distraction, someone must have been distracted. That’s me and you, that was.
Later, at the Tory Party conference, he described it as “a little turbulence”. So, he thinks we were the ones who were distracted by his silly decision to abolish the high tax rate for very rich people. Our fault, obviously, for not understanding that it was such a wonderful plan.
Chancellor Kwasi Kwarteng acknowledges a 'tough' day in his conference speech following a U-turn over scrapping the 45p tax rate.
Read the full story: https://t.co/vVvn1sRGXv pic.twitter.com/vLFIJlbg9t
— Sky News (@SkyNews) October 3, 2022
Neither did the money markets, and the pound went through the floor. Then Kwarteng backtracked and praised himself for listening. I was so incensed by the chancellor that I thought I would look into the kind of chap he is and what he’s about.
I did find a link to his personal blog, set up many years ago. Eureka. But, when I clicked it, all I got was Error 404. Absolutely nothing there. It was as if he never existed, which may be the case by the end of this year, if the current disenchantment continues.
So, the number 404 is associated with something going badly wrong. Can we call it Government 404? I know Nadine Dorries would join in trying to twist it as if it was something positive, but it may be worth a go.
Double negatives are a no-no
How about Weather 404? It’s forecast that, by the time you read this, our hatches will be battened down and we’ll have no ferries running again – this time for perfectly understandable reasons. It’s going to blow a hooley.
If we’re going to get 80mph gusts, it will be a bit unseasonal. January is usually when we get the blasts that knock Hebrideans off their feet.
Who else must cancel plans and stay indoors this weekend? I ask because teenagers, we are told, are taking so long to do their homework nowadays because they are distracted by their mobile phones. They need to stop faffing about on Facebook and just read properly and write properly. A bit like, er, columnists.
We scribes are much more mature, though – in some things anyway – but distractions are having a real and detrimental impact on youngsters’ wellbeing, the government’s former mental health czar has warned. Is that why what they say comes out all higgledy-piggledy?
“I ain’t got no money to pay no bills,” is one I heard the other day from a recent school leaver. I blame Bill Withers and Mick Jagger. “Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone,” sang Bill. They were our generation, but only now are their lapses having effect.
You simply cannot mangle our language in this way. It is just irresponsible, children
Mick’s lot had: “I can’t get no satisfaction”. Pink Floyd screeched: “We don’t need no education”. How very apt, sir. And, as for you, Marvin Gaye, you took it to another level with: “Ain’t no mountain high enough”.
I have never been a teacher, but maybe I should have been. This is not on. You simply cannot mangle our language in this way. It is just irresponsible, children.
One of the most important rules of grammar is that double negatives are a no-no. Oh, wait…
802 isn’t winning the ferry race
It is not a negative thing to be distracted by interesting and pretty things. Just make sure they are not these lovely crystal ornaments which you’ve got in your window. That’s the warning from Scottish Fire and Rescue, because the sun’s rays on a crystal globe on a window ledge is thought to have started a wee fire in a house in Connel.
That could have been disastrous. I remember hearing about such occurrences
many years ago, but I think I thought then that it was an old wives’ tale. Mind you, with this weather forecast, it’s unlikely to happen here soon.
Coincidence or Great Scottish Run having some fun? Brilliant event and happy to report #802 finished well ahead of plan @rungarscube @CalMacFerries @Great_Run @transcotland pic.twitter.com/KWKD1DEZ69
— Robbie Drummond (@Robbie_Calmac) October 3, 2022
Finally, let’s say hello to Robbie Drummond, managing director of ferry company CalMac. Robbie ran the Great Scottish Run in Glasgow on Sunday, and organisers allocated him the number 802 on his running vest.
Tee-hee. That is the number of Hull 802, meant to be the ferry between Harris and Skye. It’s still being built in Port Glasgow, six years after it was due to launch. There have been, er, distractions.
How embarrassing for him. 802? That number is a jinx.
Funny vessel names are not allowed. Remember Boaty McBoatface? I bet CalMac won’t heed my call, but I would name that ship Error 404.
Iain Maciver is a former broadcaster and news reporter from the Outer Hebrides
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