Firstly, I have an important announcement to make.
Following complaints that the country has not had a say in the selection of our prime minister, the rules have changed. The draw for the next prime minister will be on BBC Three at 9pm tonight. It will be made using Excalibur and set of balls number six.
We are living through history, everyone. Weeks like this only come around every few weeks. I jest, but is anyone else deeply concerned about the latest winner of the Tories’ secret ballot?
Was Rishi Sunak’s robotic victory speech on Monday an indication of what is to come? I was like that one morning, but I had been up all night drinking black coffee and had smoked 40 Senior Service.
Our shiny young premier should have cracked a smile, not stared straight ahead like Larry the Downing Street cat ready to pounce on a mouse. What was going on? Maybe he had discovered he’d got the unequivocal backing of Scottish Tory leader, Douglas Ross.
Poor Mr Ross. He famously supported Boris until the whole country realised Boris was unfit to be PM, and then Mr Ross promptly flipped and called for him to quit. Yeah, that’s told him.
Boris didn’t quit, of course. So, Mr Ross then flip-flopped and went right back to supporting Boris to stay on – right up until BoJo was unceremoniously booted out. So, Mr Ross was left supporting alleged wrongdoing, alleged disrespect of parliament, and alleged cover-ups which sickened the nation.
Untroubled by common sense, Mr Ross of Moray then, again, put party loyalty to the fore and defended then PM Liz Truss in staying put, even though her bizarre fiscal policy to restore the nation’s finances was on the backs of the poor. She’d lost support from pretty much everyone around the world, except the leader of the Scottish Tories.
A wee job promotion’s not worth that, Mr Ross. Sunak is not the only one acting bizarrely. Now, there are very serious questions being asked about party leadership north of Carlisle.
Dark forces at work in Tolsta Chaolais
There were also many questions being asked in the picturesque Lewis village of Tolsta Chaolais recently. Local character, Angus Macleod, a retired garage owner, met visitors from across the pond strolling past his home, and was happy to give them an impromptu tour of the village’s charms.
A fount of all Tolsta Chaolais knowledge, Angus is a great guide. One American couple pointed to a gate and asked if they could go through it for a loftier view. Angus shook his head and advised against. “But, why?” Asked the New Yorker. Angus took off his cap and scratched his head.
The couple looked as if they had just realised they had stumbled onto the set of The Wicker Man
Looking earnestly at the man and his wife, he said: “See that gate? Many have gone through it, but have never returned.” Suddenly, the air chilled. The wife looked aghast, grabbed her husband’s arm and held him tighter. The couple looked as if they had just realised they had stumbled onto the set of The Wicker Man.
Dark forces were abroad in Tolsta Chaolais, and the world seemed not to know about them. Eventually, the man stuttered: “Wh-what ha-happened to them, sir?” Then, Angus jauntily replied: “Och, nothing at all. That’s the path to the cemetery.”
Rick Astley for PM
The air is going to get chillier, by all accounts. Cheerful commentators tell us it is going to be a long, hard winter. So, we need radical new thinking by not just governments, but everyone, to help us.
We need to exploit natural resources. We are doing it already with wind power, but I am convinced we could do more. The sun up there in the sky is another source of free energy for all of us to use, if we just had the nous to make better use of it. Solar energy is the future, but it won’t happen overnight – if you know what I mean.
Aye, the nights are fair drawing in, right enough. Mrs X has just told me the clocks go back this weekend. Fine, but I can’t remember where I bought mine.
Pity we can’t take some politicians back to their constituencies and ask for a refund. The people of this country had no say in young Mr Sunak being coronated. BBC anchorman Huw “Mr Gravitas” Edwards said he was the youngest PM for 200 years.
Elected politicians are making such a hash of everything, maybe we should try something new. Maybe we should nominate a celebrity to be PM for a year – or longer, if they are any good.
So, I think Rick Astley should be the prime minister. We already know his manifesto promises. He’ll never give you up, let you down, run around, or desert you. He’ll not make you cry, say goodbye, tell a lie, or hurt you.
Iain Maciver is a former broadcaster and news reporter from the Outer Hebrides
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