The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs, written by Andrew Brebner, Simon Fogiel and John Hardie.
View From The Midden with MTV’s Jock Alexander
It’s been a familiar wik in the village. This is a place far the pace o’ the modren world is nae felt ower keenly. Tae pit it anther wye, we’re nae big on change; and this is true whether it’s wir wye o’ life, wir occupations, or wir long johns.
I’m nae gan tae dwell on wir new prime minister, ither than tae say that, truly, Rishi Sunak his shown that onyb’dy can reach the top spot, but it dizna hurt tae hae mair siller than the King, and tae ask: if it’s possible for the Tories tae get a new leader sorted oot in five days, fit the hell wye did we hae tae suffer through yon soss for the hale summer?
Watching the fast-moving fankle at Westminster his been a source o’ fascination as weel as a guid chuckle.
Although the chuckling stopped fan the temperature dropped five degrees the ither day. Minding foo much extra we’ve noo tae pey tae keep warm, and noticing that the energy companies are reporting a doubling in profits, ye cannae help but wonder if the twa things might be connected in some wye…
If nithin else, getting the Tolbooth open again wid gie a’ the folk that canna pay their bills somewye tae huddle thegither for a heat
Yet anither Aiberdeen bar has shut doon, citing high running costs. This time, it’s the een at the Northern Hotel. Nae only that, the city’s arts scene could be in trouble, fit wi the Belmont a’ready shut and the charity fit runs the theatres warning that high energy prices combined wi falling attendances is pittin a’ their venues at risk.
Things is so bad, it is apparently aa doon tae the HMT panto tae save them. Oh, yes it is.
At the same time, the Tolbooth Museum has got various leaks and bitties falling aff, and is needing an affa lot o work daen. The city cooncil mebbe need to get on wi ‘at first, afore worrying aboot the beach.
If nithin else, getting the Tolbooth open again wid gie a’ the folk that canna pay their bills somewye tae huddle thegither for a heat, like it’s the 16th century. Which, in mony wyes, it is.
Traditional views can be a problem, too, of course. I see there’s been a bit o’ a stushie at a wee church in the metropolis o’ Garmouth, wi’ a Baptist pastor in trouble efter suggesting that the primary function o’ women is tae dae the cooking and cleaning, that they should ayewis dress modestly, and that society wid be better if they did fit the menfolk said. He backs up fit he says wi’ some bitties oot o’ the Auld Testament.
He’s been getting pelters, but I see it as a rare example o’ how, deep doon, folk are the same the world ower. Fa wid hae thocht a preacher mannie in Moray wid hae sae much in common wi’ the Ayatollah Khamenei?
Cheerio!
Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who goes in studs up
Old Kenny is in the huff. With the Dandies playing The Rangers down at Ibrox on Saturday, me and the lads (Basher Greig and Dunter Duncan) had the whole day all planned out.
We was going to catch the train down to Queen Street, play some cards, enjoy a few librarians, watch the Dons turn over the Gers, and then meet up with our pal Killer Christie in the Horseshoe Bar to shoot the briefs, chew the fart, and have a bucket before the last train back to Aberdeen.
But, now there’s another rail strike, we’ve got to drive down and back the same day. Dunter can’t do it, because he’s got nine points on his licence and can’t risk another speeding ticket. And Basher’s waiting on an op to get his cataract sorted. So, muggers here has ended up being the desiccated driver for the day. Disaster.
I felt great sorrow when I heard that Ford are going to stop making the Fiesta, as of 2023. That classic car makes Old Kenny feel really neuralgic
My Melody says to me, she says: “You shouldn’t need to drink to have a good time, Kenny!” I suppose she’s right. But, now, I’ll have to… have a good time… to have a good time. That’ll be easy, though, if the Dandies get a result. Here’s hoping Jim Goodwin gets his tictacs right and the Reds don’t fluff their limes.
Speaking of driving, I felt great sorrow when I heard that Ford are going to stop making the Fiesta, as of 2023. That classic car makes Old Kenny feel really neuralgic.
It’s time to say goodbye to the little car that has touched us all. The big moments, the little moments, and all the ‘firsts’ – thanks for the memories. #FarewellFiesta 💙
As one era ends, another is just getting started – we can’t wait to show you what we’ve got coming🔌⚡️ pic.twitter.com/VDhh7d0uxA— Ford UK (@forduk) October 26, 2022
My first ever motor was a Fiesta, and me and the lovely Melody had our first ever schneck in that car, up at the Torry Battery, when I’d taken her out for a spin down the bouley and a slider from the Pavilion.
Back in the day, I was romantic AND classy. But it looks like the Fiesta has gone the same way as some of the other highlights of my youth: the mullet, the pass back and the unpunished two-footed lunge. Sad times.
Conversation