We are all now defined, particularly by those younger than ourselves – those frustrating yet clever millennials, writes Iain Maciver.
Existentially, what are we? We are flesh and bone, we are told. Well, that’s not the whole story.
We know our bodies are mostly water with some other bits thrown in. Most people are around 60% water, although if you are, er, somewhat portly, then you may be less than that, in percentage terms.
So, conversely, if you are a skinnymalink, you are made of so much water that you need to keep away from jaggy thistles, or you could just whoosh down the garden like a burst paddling pool of the kind you see on You’ve Been Framed.
Yes, but what kind of a bag of water are you? You may have mixed feelings about being called that, but what is your place in the universe? How are you defined by those around you?
Me? I’m a boomer. There, I’ve said it. A child of the post-war baby boom, which went on booming for a long time, actually. We are all now defined, particularly by those younger than ourselves – those darned, awful, very smart, finger-pointing millennials.
If you haven’t a clue what I am on about, us boomers are people born in the decade or two after the Second World War, and millennials are people born before and around the millennium – now in their mid-20s to very early 40s. They are also known as Generation Y, as they come after Gen X, the ones now around 50 years old.
Living with a millennial is tough
Everyone has mixed feelings about millennials. They blame older people for, well, everything. These technologically-savvy nerds, think they know it all. They probably do, but that’s beside the point.
They tell jokes to each other like: “If I had a pound for every time boomers complained about millennials, I could fix the economy they broke.” Ha ha ha. True, though.
Soon, you lot will be getting into politics yourselves, and you’d better make a good fist of running the country, or I’ll be calling from my old folks’ home and having a rant. Most of them are so nerdish, they couldn’t run a bath, never mind a country. Boom.
I like the "geriatric millennial" label. It conveys perfectly that my back hurts and I don't want to talk on the phone.
— Megan Bever (@mlbever) May 15, 2021
Living with a millennial, as Mrs X and I do, is tough. She hates jokes about her age range. It’s sometimes fun, though so it’s mixed feelings.
There are only so many hours in the day when you can take the mickey. Then we get blasted back with something like: “Say what you want about millennials. At least we don’t lick our fingers to turn the page.” How dare you? That’s a blob of jam which fell on my P&J. Honest.
How many millennials does it take to change a light bulb?
Here’s another one they tell each other. “How many millennials does it take to change a light bulb? Don’t know, the boomer that has the job now can’t retire because they never saved anything and millennials all have LED lights that last longer.”
They don’t talk, they just grunt. They’re always squinting at their phones, like the moody teenagers of 10 years ago. Wait, that’s them. They’re still at it.
I’m often on my phone, but that’s only because I am squinting to read the tiny text so I can see what shopping I’ve been ordered not to return without.
Millennials’ texts are awful. They don’t use punctuation, so no commas or full stops. Wait. I feel an anti-millennial joke coming on. Why do millennials always type in lower case? Because they reject capitalism. Boom.
Another ferry fiasco
We went boom up here in the Hebrides when we heard two new ferries had been ordered for the CalMac routes between Skye and Harris and Skye and North Uist. No word about a delivery date.
It’s like when you have a restaurant and you are told that a big TV star is coming to dine. Yippee. Then, in comes James Corden
The Glen Sannox is due to come into service sometime next year, but there are hiccups. Of course there are. Someone didn’t order sensors for the liquified natural gas fuel (LNG) system. This is a much cleaner fuel which emits virtually no sulphur dioxide, nitrogen dioxide or particulate emissions after combustion.
In addition, LNG burns more efficiently than diesel with much less carbon dioxide. So, it will be running on dirty diesel for at least the first nine months.
Not again. How do you describe all these mixed feelings. It’s like when you have a restaurant and you are told that a big TV star is coming to dine. Yippee. Then, in comes James Corden.
He is no millennial, because we love them dearly, but only if they are closely related to us. We do have mixed feelings about them.
Alex from Back was telling me he has a millennial son in Glasgow. Alex said to me: “He should be working, but he thinks he’s still a student. We haven’t seen him for a few years. But I have now found a way to get him to phone home now and again. I change the Netflix password.”
Iain Maciver is a former broadcaster and news reporter from the Outer Hebrides
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