The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs, written by Andrew Brebner, Simon Fogiel and John Hardie
Kevin Cash, moneysaving expert and king of the grips
Ye ken fit they say: “Fit gings aroon comes aroon.” And, so, here we are, back in a rerun o’ the 1970s, wi’ an unpopular government, the threat of power cuts and ab’dy on strike. If ye ging doon the channels, ye can even see Benny Hill on the TV.
Ken ‘is? I canna believe foo mony folks is taking industrial action of noo. This wik alane we’ve had teachers, university lecturers, posties and rail workers manning the picket lines. So, fit’s gan on? Weel, tae save you the bother, I hiv looked in til it, using my customary method of carefully perusing yesterday’s papers fae the bins at the back o’ the Central Library.
Basically, fit it biles doon tae is that a load o’ folk fa didnae used tae be skint are noo skint. They’re striking tae get paid enough that they winna be skint onymair.
The ither problem is that a lot of the folk in charge, be they the government or the chief execs o’ corporations, are very much nae skint. So, their usual arguments o’: “There’s nae money for pay rises” or: “These strikes are irresponsible” are nae working wi’ the public, fa seem tae be broadly of the view: “Get those nurses/teachers/posties paid, ye bunch o’ chuncers.”
I hiv tae admit it, though, I found masel initially unmoved by the strikers’ plights, as they didnae affect me personally.
Royal Mail? Fa sends letters ony mair? I dinna; stamps is too dear. If I hiv an urgent message, I stick a post-it note tae a chuckie and lob it through the addressee’s windae.
Teachers? I dinna ging tae school or hae ony kids (for whom there is conclusive DNA evidence of my obligation tae pay child support).
Wi’ oot Jaffa Cakes, I will nae doot relapse intae unhealthy levels o’ buttery consumption – or start experimenting wi’ caramel yum-yums
University lecturers? The nearest I iver got tae uni wiz fan I took a wrang turning efter a lock-in at the Rowan Tree and passed oot in a skip at Hillhead.
Personally, I hiv ayewiz been skint, but I canna ging on strike cos I dinna dae nithin. Nithin I’m prepared tae mention at Ebury Hoose, onywye.
Like those fa are striking, I find it hard tae mak ends meet, and I wid be in an even worse state if I didnae hiv pals like Mick The Pill helping me oot by liberating easily liquidised assets fae a’ those city retailers wi’ lax warehoose security.
NEW 🚨: Over 750 workers who make Jacobs Cream Crackers, Jaffa Cakes and Mini Cheddars are to stage a permanent strike – after facing a real terms pay cut.
— Trades Union Congress (@The_TUC) November 14, 2022
But, then I seen that industrial unrest his reached the factory fit maks Jaffa Cakes. Weel, ‘at is a disaster.
Jaffa Cakes aren’t just really fine wi’ a cup o’ tea – they also represent pretty much my only source o’ vitamin C. Fit am I supposed tae dae if these vital components of my daily nutrition stop being produced?
Wi’ oot Jaffa Cakes, I will nae doot relapse intae unhealthy levels o’ buttery consumption – or start experimenting wi’ caramel yum-yums. I dinna think my hairt wid be able tae tak ‘at much saturated fat.
But, still, I support the workers trying tae get a better deal. Even if the price o’ solidarity is solid arteries.
Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit with his finger on the plus
The World Cup in Catarrh is well and truly underway, and it’s already had plenty of thrills, shocks and more than its fair share of colostomy.
Don’t get me wrong, there’s been plenty of honking matches as well. The whole thing went off like a dank squid when the hosts got turned over by Ecuador in the opener. And the less said about South Korea v Euro-guy, the better. That was like watching paint dry, peel and flake off.
But, the tournament got blown wide open when big guns like Germany and Argentina got beaten by Japan and Saudi Albania. And, frustratingly, so did my £10 accumulator!
France, Spain and England all looked good in their first wins, but they was definitely facing some of the diddy teams. When Spain stuck seven past Costco Rita, I almost felt glad Scotland hadn’t qualified.
Injury time has been a big talking point, mainly because there’s been shedloads of it. The refs is adding on so many minutes in some matches, Fergie time would have been done and dustpanned 10 minutes before the final whistle.
I felt sorrow for the German lads, though. Not only did they get soccer-punched by the Japanese, but, when they got their photo taken before the match, all 11 players had a coughing fit at exactly the same time. What are the chances?
Funkily enough, the original Dons’ squad photo for season 1979-80 looked exactly like that. But that was because I’d been guest of honour at the opening of the Light of Bengal the night before and my guts was doing the Hokey Cokey.
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