The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs, written by Andrew Brebner, Simon Fogiel and John Hardie.
Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who never knows when he’s crossed the line
Like it or lump it, The Catarrh World Cup is hotting up. And not just because of how hot it is.
If there’s one thing football fans agree on, it’s that it should not never have been held there. And also as well that there’s been some right boskers of matches!
Old Kenny has been keeping his finger on the plus so’s I can give my regulatory readers the inside scoop on the greatest show on earth, which is a disgrace.
All eyes was on England playing Wales on Tuesday night. The Auld Enema started slowly, but they properly turned the screw on the Welch in the second half, and sent them home with their daffodils between their legs. They’ve lined up a last-16 tie with Senekot on Sunday.
But, there’s not no doubting what matches was the most dramatic. Wednesday night saw Argentina v Poland and Saudi Albania v Mexico.
The group table was so tight, that it looked like it was going to be down to how many yellow cards the teams had got. That would be my worst nightmare, having to keep your chowder dry for the last 20 minutes, or else the whole nation treats you like a piranha just because you hoovered their fullback at a throw-in.
Then, on Thursday, the matches was a right tipsy-curvy affair. Spain was sticking Japan and the Germans was taking on Costco Ryvita. With both matches happening scintillatingly, Old Kenny couldn’t keep up with all the froing and toing!
At some stage, each one of that four teams was going through, until it ended up with qualification for the Japanese and the Spaniels.
It’s been a real shock to the cistern to see some of the traditional big names like Germany, Mexico, Denmark and the Belgiums cashing in their crisps early doors. By the time you read this, other famous World Cup nations like Macaroon and You’re-a-guy might have also dusted the bins.
It’s good to see that football is playing its part in the bottle of the sexes. Of course, it’s long overdue, as men has whistled at women for years
But, the biggest shockeroonie of all was seeing Germany’s last match being refereed by a man-in-black who was a lady. It’s good to see that football is playing its part in the bottle of the sexes. Of course, it’s long overdue, as men has whistled at women for years.
But, as I says to the lovely Melody, I says: “I don’t know how I would have felt being showed the red card by a woman.”
Melody says to me, she says: “Mind last Sunday when you come in at 4am after being at the casino with Dunter Duncan and I made you sleep on the sofa?” “Yes,” I says. “Well,” she says, “You’d have felt like that.”
Tanya Souter, lifestyle correspondent
I da ken about youse, but I wiz amazed tae hear that the Co-opie is daen trials wi’ wee robots tae deliver yer groceries. I’m nae a Luddite, but I da think that’s asseptable, ‘at.
I dinna wint some great muckle metal skeleton like the een oot ‘o Terminator chapping on ma door, telling me ma substitutions and asking me aboot ma plans for the rest o’ the wikend!
Luckily, that sort o’ robot is nae technogisticl’y possible of yet. The eens they are testing oot in Leeds are jist wee trundley things wi’ wheels fit look like an all-terrain bread bin.
According tae the developers, these robots is a mair “sustainable and affordable” wye tae deliver groceries tae yer door than paying a mannie in a van tae dae it, seeing as they consume as little energy as boiling yer kettle for a cuppie. Or, of course, YE COULD WALK TAE THE SHOPPIE.
Co-op delivery robot is patrolling the streets in foggy weather 🌫️ pic.twitter.com/JHXPcmaTKV
— Haichao Wang (@haichao_wang20) November 28, 2022
Noo, I dinna wint tae cast ony aspirations, but I’m thinking a thing lik ‘at widnae last long in Aberdeen, wid it? I mean, jist cos a wee roving robot can manage fine navigating hostile environments like the surface o’ Mars, ‘at disnae mean it could cope wi’ the potholes on Formartine Road, dis it?
I also canna work oot fit they dae fan they reach their destination, cos they’re too wee tae reach yer doorbell. And good luck if ye bide in a multistorey.
In fact, I canna see een o’ these things lasting mair than five minutes puttering doon the streets ootside mines, afore somedee levers it open or gets the hammer oot tae dismantle it for spare parts.
My pal big Sonya says they’d mak good mobility scooters for a poorly pet, and I says at wid be fine for my neighbour, seeing as his wee dog’s got irritable bowel syndrome.
Sonya says: “Fit a shame, fit kind is it?” And I says: “It’s a shih tzu.”
“I’ll bet it is,” Sonya says, “but fit kind is it?”
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