The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs, written by Andrew Brebner, Simon Fogiel and John Hardie.
Tanya Souter, lifestyle guru
I da ken about youse, but I’m nae convinced by Rishi Sunak’s latest bright idea. Making ivery school kid dae compulsory maths up tae the age o’ 18 is nae gan tae mak things ony better, is it?
Pitting tae one side the question of whether or no tinkering wi’ the curriculum is fit ought tae be at the top o’ his to-do list of noo; if ab’dy gets better at maths, it’ll jist mean they’ll be mair aware of foo much money they dinna hae, foo much mair their bosses mak, and foo much siller the government’s “VIP” chums his hoovered oot o’ the country.
Of course, that policy disna even apply in Scotland. Education is daen differently here, ‘cos it is devalued.
Mind you, English education does hae stuff I am jealous aboot, like the fact that they’ve a’ready got their kids back tae school, the jammy swines. Fa is the sadist fa decided that my lot wid be aff fae December 22 ’til January 9?
As of noo, the hoose is a disaster. A’ the decorations is doon, but naen o’ them is pit awa and a’ their new presents is scattered across the fleer. It’s like a bomb’s gaan aff in Dobbies.
The Christmas tree is nae so much taen doon as taen oot – it’s still smouldering in the backie, efter my Jayden used a match and a thing o’ hairspray tae defoliate it. So, I am very much counting the minutes ’til Monday, fan they a’ get oot o’ my hair again.
It’s the noise I canna stand – fit a racket they make! Music blaring the hale time, slamming doors fan they come in fae their joyriding. So, I hid some sympathy reading about the hameowners in the centre o’ toon haein tae pit up wi’ the din fae “revellers” (‘at is fit the paper cries blootered folk) at chucking oot time.
I div feel sorry for folk in the city centre, it’s bad enough they hiv tae bide miles fae ony decent shops.
Noo, I div hae some experience o’ this issue. Mony’s the time I’ve fallen oot o’ Nox and launched intae a spirited rendition o’ Whitney Houston’s I Wanna Dance with Somebody; or encountered een o’ my exes at the corner o’ Bon Accord Terrace, and hid a frank exchange o’ views fit was ultimately resolved by the bobbies pulling me aff the wee nyaff.
But, noo, the nightclub bosses his come up wi’ a novel solution tae get folk tae keep their traps shut as they stagger aff intae the night. One word: ice lollys.
They’ve been handing them oot tae departing punters, cos it turns oot it’s almost impossible tae mak a din files yer sooking on a Mivvi, or trying tae nae let the last bit o’ Solero slide aff yer stick.
My pal Big Sonja wis saying she kens a’ aboot this scheme. Last time she wis leaving Nox, this great muckle tattooed doorman hands her een and says: “Your Fab.” “Thanks very much,” she says, “You’re nae too bad yersel.”
And ‘at’s foo she met her fiancé.
Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who knows his South Africa from his Saudi Arabia
The start of 2023 has seen both of the Granite City’s football clubs on a bit of a swicky ticket, and, while the new year means new beginnings for The Dons and Cove Rangers, it’s a case of “betterer the devil you-know-who” for the pair of them!
Cove was always up against it this season in the Championship. No more home bankers against the diddy teams like Alloa and Montrose – this season they’ve got to face the big boys, like Arbroath and Hamilton.
There was all sorts of speculum about who might take over, before they announced that former boss Paul Hartley was making a come back to the Balmoral Stadium hot-pot
They’ve been doing OK, but the sceptre of regulation is looming large in the rear-view mirror, like the T-Rex in Gymnastic Park. And, when they got stuffed 6-1 by Caley Thistle, gaffer Jim McIntyre got his jotters.
There was all sorts of speculum about who might take over, before they announced that former boss Paul Hartley was making a come back to the Balmoral Stadium hot-pot. I’m keeping my eyes crossed that Harto will keep Cove up by pulling off an episcopalian act worthy of Harry Whodunnit!
As for The Dandies, they’ve been on a stinking run of form, and big Jim Goodwin has decided to bring in some fresh faces for the rest of the season to turn the ship around. Except, one of the faces is not that fresh!
Former skipper Graeme Shinnie has joined the Reds again, and I think the midfield has been crying out for someone with his passion, heart, and willingness to go in hard early doors.
During my extinguished career, I never returned to a former club. Old Kenny always moved onto biggerer and betterer things. OK – sometimes smaller and worser things, but I wouldn’t not never be so disrespectful as to say when that was. The Inverurie Locos fans would be raging.
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